Somebody, throw some water on that witch.
A few I picked up that are pretty funny.
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night...
[rim shot]
How I learned to mind my own business...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and the patients were all shouting 13...13...13
The fence was too tall but I spotted a crack between two boards, so I put my eye to the crack and looked.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick and they started shouting 14...14...14...
[rim shot]
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words.
Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard...
[rim shot]
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my uncle Vince. Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his van.
[rim shot]
Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler...then silence is very suspicious.
[rim shot]
It’s not a toe it’s a furniture location device.
[rim shot]
Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. “In HD” was apparently the wrong answer...
[rim shot]
I sat next to a really hot chick on the bus today and I kept thinking...Don’t get an erection...don’t get an erection....but she did...
[rim shot]
You are never worthless...Organs go for a lot on the black market.
[rim shot]
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it.
[rim shot]
Roses are red.
Pizza sauce is too.
I ordered a large.
And none of it’s for you.
[rim shot]
Do you know what happens after 14 tequila shots? That’s OK nobody else does either...
[rim shot]
If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.
[rim shot]
When I was 10 I realized how dumb everything I said as a child was.
When I was 20 I realized how dumb everything I said in my teens was.
Now I’m beginning to realize why old people don’t talk much...