Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It’s called On and On Anon.
Posted on 08/16/2018 11:21:08 AM PDT by heterosupremacist
shouldn’t that be “LONFR” ?
Bill Clinton used to sneak out of the White House to go jogging.
One morning he encountered a hooker plying her trade. Of course, he couldn’t ignore that, and he stopped and asked her price. She replied “two hundred”. He snorted “that’s too much, I’ll give you twenty dollars.” She refused the offer, and he went on his way.
The next day, the same thing happened.
On the third day, Hillary happened to go jogging with him. As luck would have it, they again encountered the same hooker. Worried about Hillary’s reaction, they both went by without a word.
As they passed, the hooker called out “See? That’s what you get for twenty dollars!”
Good one!
A blonde is in the supermarket, and as I go up and down the aisles, I notice she is standing for a long time in front of the Orange Juice cooler.
I asked why she was there so long, and she replied, “because it says ‘concentrate’ ...”
CNN: Supreme court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has died.
Hillary(calling DJT) : Donald, I’d like to take her place!
Pres Trump: That’s all right with me if it’s ok with the funeral home.
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It’s called On and On Anon.
They're the wurst
LOL...seriously, out loud!
A. He needed the practice.
Guy goes in for examination. Doctor puts his hand on his wallet, and says, “Cough.”
I needed help, so I went to a meeting for ‘
procrastinators anonymous’.
I was the only person who showed up!
How come in Canada couples only do it doggy style??
This way they both can watch the Hockey game. -R.D.
Jimmy told that on “Better Call Saul” this week. Funny.
The second guy naturally is skeptical. The first man is adamant, so the second guy asks him to demonstrate, and the first guy agrees.
They go over to the side of the building, and the first guy jumps over, and starts falling, 10, 20, 30, 40 stories... then starts to slow down, then comes to a complete top, then starts slowly rising, and eventually is set right back down on the roof. The second guy says, "Wow! I've got to try that!"
So he jumps over the edge and starts falling, 10, 20, 30, 40 stories... then 50, 60, 70, etc. and then SPLAT. Then the bartender says, "You know Superman, you're a real a-hole when you're drunk."
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
" Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
" Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."
"Tonto," the man said, " Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Farmer asks his wife what she wants for her birthday.
She says now that the kids are all gone, I’d like to have a face lift.
He says you got it and takes her to the best plastic surgeon in Atlanta who tells them it will cost $20,000.
Farmer asks if they have one not as expensive.
Doctor says, “We have one for $500 where I insert a dial on the back of your wife’s neck. Once a month you crank the dial one notch only and it will pull up the skin that sags around her neck.”
After the surgery the farmer cranks the dial one notch DAILY instead of monthly. After six months he calls the doctor.
“Doctor, we have a problem. The crank won’t turn any more, and my wife has grown a goatee.”
I went for a physical exam, and the doctor grabbed my knee, and said, “cough”
Then he hit may balls with a little hammer!
I said, “Doc, you gotta help me - I don’t know what’s wrong. Every morning as soon as I wake up, I’ll look in the mirror, and I look like death.”
He says, “I don’t know what is wrong with you, but your eyesight is perfect!”
~Rodney Dangerfield~
The pirate replies, "What de ye mean? I feel fine."
The bartender says, "Well the last time you were here you had two legs. Now you have one."
"Aye, that be true," the pirate replies, "ye see we were is a battle at sea and a cannonball came and took me leg off. But the saw bones fixed me up with the peg leg and I be fine, really."
"Well what about your hand," the bartender asked? Last time you were here you had two. Now you have one."
"Aye, that be true," said the Pirate, "well we were in another battle and this scurvy nave took me hand off with his cutlass. But the saw bones fixed me up with this hook and I be fine, really."
"What about your eye," the bartender asked? "Last time you were here you had both eyes, now you have one."
"Aye, that be true," the pirate replied, "Well ye see, we was sailing along and I heard this noise from above. I looked up and a seagull crapped right in me eye."
"I can see where that might be unpleasant," said the bartender. "But how does that put out your eye?"
"Well ye see," replied the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook."
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose pedals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, Here I am.
He rings the bell at the first house he comes to and the astonished woman screams, "Oh my God...what are you supposed to be?!"
The guy replies, "A pull toy."
Bonus Halloween joke:
A young boy is dressed as a pirate by his mother on Halloween and goes out trick or treating. The pirate hat is way too big and it comes down about to his nose so he has to keep pushing it up to see.
At one house he goes to, a woman opens the door and exclaims, "Oh what a wonderful looking pirate!"
Looking around she says, "Where are your Buccaneers?"
The kid pushes his hat up and says, "Under me buckin' hat!"
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