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Is There Love after 50?
1.20.03 | self

Posted on 01/20/2003 12:20:31 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done

You know me by another forum name. My life and marriage has fallen apart. I need some Freeper wisdom. Have there been men and women on this web site who have picked up their lives, pulled it together, and moved on after age fifty? I have two young children.

I have worked on the marriage for years. There just isn't any more left in me. Some things just don't fix. I would be grateful to hear other Freeper experience.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
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Please?
1 posted on 01/20/2003 12:20:31 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
www.survivinginfidelity.com
2 posted on 01/20/2003 12:23:18 PM PST by Yo-Yo
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To: Yo-Yo
Thank you. Infidelity is not an issue here though. In some ways it would be an easier issue to cope with.
3 posted on 01/20/2003 12:26:42 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Of course there is. Depending on how old your children are - get involved in things. Join clubs or organizations You will meet other people who might even be in the same boat as you. Don't give up on yourself. Marriage is not the only thing on this earth worth living for. You have your kids and your life. Try to look at it as a new beginning. If you need to talk we are here.
4 posted on 01/20/2003 12:54:36 PM PST by areafiftyone (Hillary and Pelosi are Raelian clones)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Infidelity is not an issue here though

Then don't get divorced. Infidelity is the only legitimate reason (except perhaps physical abuse where your life is at risk) for divorce.

5 posted on 01/20/2003 12:57:31 PM PST by Technogeeb
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To: Technogeeb
I have been trying to negotiate a separation.
6 posted on 01/20/2003 1:14:36 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: areafiftyone
I guess I need to hear this. I feel very old and very tired and not very lovable right now. I haven't been single for a very long time.
7 posted on 01/20/2003 1:18:56 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Technogeeb
Wow, thank you so much techonogeeb for your sterling example for Christian compassion. I'm sure this person was really in need of your judgment. It is obvious this is a person in pain who is asking a legitimate, heart felt question. I don't recall hearing a request for your judgmental take. It must be wonderful to be so sure of yourself. I'm sure it makes it must more satisfying to kick people when there down. You are a fine example of "Love your neighbor as yourself" Thanks again for sharing your faith.
8 posted on 01/20/2003 1:22:02 PM PST by foolscap
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
I have been trying to negotiate a separation.

Instead of a divorce? If so, then good for you. However, for the sake of the kids (you mentioned you had two small children) try not to make it more than a couple of weeks.

Also consider your church. I don't know what religion you are (or even if you have one), but never discount the ability of the Deity who created you to renew your spirit as well as that of your mate. It might take years to do so, but if you never give up it will happen. I have seen a vast number of marriages that "can't be fixed" be fixed; and I've never seen one fail when those in the marriage refuse to give up.

9 posted on 01/20/2003 1:26:23 PM PST by Technogeeb
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To: foolscap
Hello old friend. :)

Technically, techno is correct, but in this day and age, things have fallen so completely apart culturally that circumstances are not so black and white. Sometimes nothing a person does can keep a marriage together no matter how hard or what is tried. This doesn't negate the truth that marriage is a bond before God that cannot be broken in His eyes.

I think that certainly there is life after 50, and that a person can be happy, but that happiness comes from peace with God and with oneself.

10 posted on 01/20/2003 1:32:31 PM PST by JMJ333
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To: foolscap
Wow, thank you so much techonogeeb for your sterling example for Christian compassion

Sometimes people need to hear the truth more than they need false compassion telling them to follow a path of destruction. The simple fact is, short of infidelity or abuse, there is no excuse for divorce.

You are a fine example of "Love your neighbor as yourself"

Yes, I am. Because if I were in the same frame of mind as SAFIMIAD, I would probably need the same reminder. "Love" doesn't just mean kind words and sympathy, and to refuse to tell SAFIMIAD the truth of the matter would be showing an absence of any true concern.

Thanks again for sharing your faith

I did not share my faith; I only shared a fact that SAFIMIAD probably already knew but needed to be reminded of. Those who might inform SAFIMIAD to "do what's best for you" or "do whatever you feel" are the worst of deceivers; and ultimately their advice, if followed, leads to nothing but more suffering.

11 posted on 01/20/2003 1:37:39 PM PST by Technogeeb
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To: Technogeeb
I am afraid I am at the point of needing a lengthy separation. We have been separated for shorter periods of time. My husband has some severe characer flaws that I have not been able to overcome and accept. I have been trying to work with and negotiate a life with my husband for the past four years, since our marriage, lifestyle and chidlren were first placed in jepordy. I am exhausted and need a break. I forsee that our separateion may become permenent.

You ask good questions. I have been in Godly couneling and in prayer. I am part of a loving group of Christians who have been giving me counsel and guidance and much prayer. We have been in counseling with people who have been committed to helping us put our marriage together. I will remain in counsleing as long as it takes until the marriage is fully dead, a negotiated companionship, or revived.

But after many years of living a life that is alone I am also wondering whether there will be a future for me without my husband.
12 posted on 01/20/2003 1:53:06 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Technogeeb
Considering you do not know this person or their circumstances you assume a lot. I do not recall having seen any request to discuss the fine points of Christian doctrine. I don't recall Stick me with a fork asking for your approval or disapproval of their situation. Can't you see this person is in pain!! Wouldn't it be better to address that instead of loading them up with a whole bunch of doctrine. I know you think you are sharing the truth but how can you know what the truth is when you do not know this persons circumstances. Is being there for someone who is going through a hard time too much to ask from the religion of compassion?
13 posted on 01/20/2003 1:53:12 PM PST by foolscap
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To: JMJ333
Sometimes nothing a person does can keep a marriage together no matter how hard or what is tried. This doesn't negate the truth that marriage is a bond before God that cannot be broken in His eyes.


I understand that... I guess I am just trying to figure out different posibilities in my head.
14 posted on 01/20/2003 1:55:11 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
I will pray for you. Have you ever hear of St. Monica? She was the mother of St. Augustine. She was Christian from birth, and was given in marriage to a bad-tempered, adulterous pagan named Patricius. For 30 years she prayed constantly for the conversion of her husband. She got it--on his death bed.

She is the patroness of abuse victims, alcoholics, alcoholism, difficult marriages, disappointing children, homemakers, housewives, married women, mothers, victims of adultery, victims of unfaithfulness, victims of verbal abuse, widows, wives...her prayers are powerful before God, and I will petition her for you as well.

Sometimes suffering brings us closer to God, and as hard as it sounds (and it is indeed hard to put into practice) we must buckle down and stay in for the long haul.

Here is a prayer I have:

Exemplary Mother of the great Augustine, you perseveringly pursued your wayward husband not with wild threats but with prayerful cries to heaven. Intercede for all wives in our day so that they may learn to draw their husbands to God. Amen.

God bless--jmj

15 posted on 01/20/2003 2:04:51 PM PST by JMJ333
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To: JMJ333
Thank you for your grace.
16 posted on 01/20/2003 2:05:01 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
You're welcome. :)
17 posted on 01/20/2003 2:07:39 PM PST by JMJ333
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To: JMJ333
The tragedy of this for me is that my husband is a professing Christian who led me to the Lord many years ago.
18 posted on 01/20/2003 2:11:41 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
I am afraid I am at the point of needing a lengthy separation. We have been separated for shorter periods of time. My husband has some severe characer flaws that I have not been able to overcome and accept. I have been trying to work with and negotiate a life with my husband for the past four years, since our marriage, lifestyle and chidlren were first placed in jepordy. I am exhausted and need a break

It does sound like you need a break. Do you have any friends or family that can take care of the children? Did you or your husband take care of them in the past separations (if it was you, try and see if the husband can take them this time)? Just don't give up hope, and don't let a separation become an excuse for divorce.

I am part of a loving group of Christians who have been giving me counsel and guidance and much prayer. We have been in counseling with people who have been committed to helping us put our marriage together.

It sounds like you have put in a great deal of effort and are on the right path to resolution. All you have to do to make the marriage succeed is not give up.

I will remain in counsleing as long as it takes until the marriage is fully dead, a negotiated companionship, or revived.

As long as you two don't give up, the first option won't happen. There is no way to tell how long the struggle might take, but if you don't give up hope things will improve.

But after many years of living a life that is alone I am also wondering whether there will be a future for me without my husband.

No doubt there would be, but it simply would not compare to the quality of the life you deserve with your husband and children. From the sound of things, you have struggled with this problem for a very long time, with no apparent improvement in the situation. Even so, don't give up. Usually things look their worst just before miracles happen.

19 posted on 01/20/2003 2:12:24 PM PST by Technogeeb
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To: Technogeeb
No family available. I will be taking the children on an extended vacation in the spring. I have been waiting for a long time for things to get better and each time that we seem close to fixing it, my husband cannot come through. I am beginning to think that separation is the only way to live with this situaion.
20 posted on 01/20/2003 2:20:32 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
My father was a professing Catholic, who made me go to church when I didn't want to. Then one day he changed. He became someone I didn't recognize. He left my mom, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. Grace is not a constant. We have free will to make our own choices, and sometimes people choose not to follow God, but their own desires. This leaves loved ones out in the cold--I know--I have been there. I still pray for him, even though he abandoned me.

I would suggest a number of things, but if your husband isn't willing to try then I would not attempt them, as they would most likely push him farther away. My advice is still to turn to God in prayer. Make a point of going to church extra, perhaps for bible study. Ask him if he wants to come. If not, that is okay, but still go anyway. Let God shine forth from your soul.

In the end, it can only make you stronger and will help you deal with your present situation. But know that God works on his own time, and that sometimes it feels like he isn't listening. That is our cross that we must bear. Take it up and follow him.

As hard as that is, it does bring comfort for those who know how to utilize suffering and make it bear fruit. ;)

21 posted on 01/20/2003 2:21:57 PM PST by JMJ333
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To: JMJ333
My father was a professing Catholic, who made me go to church when I didn't want to. Then one day he changed. He became someone I didn't recognize. He left my mom, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. Grace is not a constant. We have free will to make our own choices, and sometimes people choose not to follow God, but their own desires. This leaves loved ones out in the cold--I know--I have been there.


Close fit here. Thank you for your gift of your story. My fruit are the children and I need to make sure that I am committed to protect and care for them.
22 posted on 01/20/2003 2:26:20 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: foolscap
Considering you do not know this person or their circumstances you assume a lot

I assumed nothing; she already mentioned there was no infidelity in the marriage. That alone is the greatest indication that the marriage can be saved.

I do not recall having seen any request to discuss the fine points of Christian doctrine

I have not discussed any fine points of Christian doctrine. I just pointed out a truth.

Can't you see this person is in pain!!

Of course I can. But when a person is sick you give them medicine and hope; not the poison of a false solution. Telling someone a lie that could destroy their future just because you think it will make them feel better is not a sign of Love.

I know you think you are sharing the truth but how can you know what the truth is when you do not know this persons circumstances

What makes you think I don't know this person's circumstances? I know there is no infidelity. I know there are children. Those two signs, by themselves, are sufficient to know that this marriage has love in it, and every effort should be expended to save it because it can be saved. Not "probably can", but definitely can. From her words, I know she is tired, and feels like she's exhausted every avenue to fix the problems. But she hasn't; and it is more important for her to know that than it is for her to hear "feel good" words about the potential for a life after divorce.

23 posted on 01/20/2003 2:29:30 PM PST by Technogeeb
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing....and I know many wish to give you good advice, but you are the one living this nightmare. Only you know how hard you have tried and what you have forgotten, forgiven, or just overlooked to keep things liveable in your home.

One thing I hope for you to consider- I am a Christian, and believe in the value of marriage - but, I also believe that if both partners are not willing to make the sacrifices needed to keep the marriage strong, one should not have to suffer in silence. Him being a profession Christian does not really mean a lot, if he is not being a true husband to you.

To my way of thinking, your children are more important than the vows of marriage. These character flaws that you mentioned probably are visible to your children too. Obviously they will always see those flaws in their father, but, will your acceptance of those flaws and your subservience to his treatment of you also be absorbed by the children? I know this is a horrible thing for you to even consider - and I apologize if my wording sounds harsh, I certainly don't mean for it to. What I am trying to say is, what message is reaching your children? Some will say that by divorcing you teach your children that you can just give up on things that are hard...... however, in your circumstances, it might teach your children that sometimes you have to make a difficult decision for the greater good of all involved.

My most sincerely heartfelt wishes for you, your children, and your husband. May you all find peace, through God, at this trouble time in your lives.

24 posted on 01/20/2003 4:27:35 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
If you are not happy with your partner - I say be over and done with that person. Why be miserable when you have exhausted all efforts. The last thing you need for your kids and yourself is a miserable marriage. Believe me your kids would rather you be happy than miserable. Try a separation for a bit and when you are ready and have the courage - go for the divorce. I know its hard but keep your chin up. Get your life together. Maybe its about time you think about you and the kids now. If your partner doesn't want to make a go of it - let that person go. Forcing a marriage is worse than being happily independent. You are not an old person by any means and dont' let anyone tell you that you are. There are plenty of people out there in the same boat. Just sit down and figure out what you are going to do and get the courage together and JUST DO IT! It will hurt at first but gradually you will be happy that you did it.
25 posted on 01/20/2003 4:58:56 PM PST by areafiftyone (Hillary and Pelosi are Raelian clones)
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
Thank you for your words. They help.
26 posted on 01/20/2003 6:48:17 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: areafiftyone
I am not sure whether I could divorce, but I could separate. Some times it is healthy to step back. Thank you for telling me I am not old, I need to hear that today.
27 posted on 01/20/2003 6:50:23 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: areafiftyone; Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Area, your words reminded me of something I read recently....... Years after his parents divorced, the Mother apologized to her child for any pain the divorce had caused and he replied, "We wondered why you didn't divorce sooner.....everyone was happier once it was over"......

I know this isn't the case every time, but it does happen.......

28 posted on 01/20/2003 7:03:18 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Hi - I think I felt almost exactly the way you do now six years ago, only I was "only" 49.

I got unstuck. Here's how.

First, I went on a diet (Atkins) and started a very rigorous exercise program. I figured being a fat bald guy wasn't a very good jumping off point. Well my workouts are outdoors so I get a lot of sun (Southern Calif.) I shaved the part of my head that still grows hair (took a while to get the side walls tanned), but now days the shaved head look is kinda in...long story short after about six months, I looked in the mirror and saw a tanned, toned, lean (6'4" - 210 lbs) guy looking sort of like "Mr. Clean" only my eye brows aren't white - flat stomach; the works.

Very important - don't get into the booze right now - wait until you're feeling a lot better about yourself.

Once you feel good and think to yourself "I look good" you'll be amazed at how well you get along - especially with the opposite sex - they can smell confidence, I swear it.

Well that's a start - I'm 55 now and life is good.

Now if you're already in very good physical condition, have all of your hair and you're successful financially, you're set, just find yourself a new one, believe me there are plenty of them out there - at least as many as there are of us.

29 posted on 01/20/2003 7:48:07 PM PST by Positive
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
I knew some kids when I was growing up in high school and they were talking to me and my friend who were both from divorced homes. They said to me and my friends - you guys are lucky you are from divorced parents. We were stunned and asked them why and they said they hate to come home because their parents are either fighting or not talking. They would rather visit them separately than deal with the pain of seeing either of them unhappy at the other one. At least the parents would be happy to see them and would not be at the other parent's throat if they were in different homes. Sometimes you have to think of how it effects the kids to see parents constantly unhappy with each other. You only get one life here on this earth and you have to make the most of it.
30 posted on 01/20/2003 8:21:14 PM PST by areafiftyone (Hillary and Pelosi are Raelian clones)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
If Divorce is too painful don't do it. Just separate and take it one step at a time. See how things go - take it slow - work on yourself - start with your attitude - then you can work on your body. After all if you feel good you automatically look good to other people. If you want to make physical changes like losing weight, changing hair, etc. thats wonderful but you have to change the inside first. You have a whole new life ahead of you and your kids - try to make it the best it can be. Its not the end of the world - its just the beginning!!
31 posted on 01/20/2003 8:27:00 PM PST by areafiftyone (Hillary and Pelosi are Raelian clones)
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To: areafiftyone
I got your private post. Thank you for this one too... It gave me a lift. I do have all my hair, thank the Lord. I had lost weight and was toned but have been working 7 days a week and am stressed. I know once my schedule changes I will get to the gym again. I feel trapped in amber and filled with anger and I don't want to be this way any more.
32 posted on 01/21/2003 6:18:50 AM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: areafiftyone
My children are having a difficult time with the tension and anger, and so am I.
33 posted on 01/21/2003 6:20:43 AM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: areafiftyone
Thank you, Sometimes I look backwards instead of forwards.
34 posted on 01/21/2003 6:22:37 AM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Bump
35 posted on 01/21/2003 5:11:13 PM PST by mlmr
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