[rwfromkansas]

Thanks for any help, Freepers.

[rwfromkansas]

I guess what upsets me so much is that I only want just a few friends that I can go do things with or talk to about important things. I don't need 20 friends, just 2 or 3. I can't even seem to do that.

[GovernmentShrinker]

My suggestion is to practice. I know, I know, you're thinking how can you practice when you can't keep conversations going long enough to keep people around. No problem. All that time you're alone, pretend you've got someone with you. You can pretend all sorts of different people, from people you really know, to famous political pundits. You can practice conversations over and over again, improving each time. You could practice redoing conversations that didn't go well, and figure out how you could have changed/continued them. Honestly, I think many (maybe most) people who are really good conversationalists do a lot of this, or at least did when they were younger.

[gcruse]

People love to talk about themselves. Let them. Ask them questions and listen. It takes the attention off you, which lets you relax a little, and while they are talking, you can be thinking of things you want to say in response to them. I know where you are coming from. I was the same way. Freepmail me if you wish. Good luck.

[Auntie Mame]

There is only one thing a man needs to do to make women flock to him. I've told this to many men. WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MEN THAT ARE INTERESTED IN THEM.

And my final piece of advice if you'd like to be more socially adept: Get a part-time job as a waiter. You will find you have a reason to go up to strangers and speak to them. You will always have something to say to them, and you will smile at them. It will change your life, especially in social skills.

[ETERNAL WARMING]

I am older and now wiser. LOL The turning point for me came when I realized that people were just like me. They too felt shy, didn't know what to say, etc. It made it easier for me to approach them once I realized this. It was just about sharing, not I'll die if I bomb this conversation. If there's someone in class, talk about the class or the test or the assignment. Talk about the fields they're pursuing...what they hope to do with their lives. Put some humor into it. It makes them less afraid of you.

[foolscap]

I've been where you're at and can really sympathize with how painful the situation can be. I suffered terribly with this same problem when I was younger. I discovered that it was not that I had nothing to talk with others about but rather my anxiety over wanting them to like me that was the problem. I would get so anxious about making a good impression everything I could think of to talk about would just fly out of my head. I found that as I got older and became more comfortable with myself it became much more easy to communicate.

People used to give me very good advice on where to meet people but the problem was never lack of opportunity but my own inability to make a connection. It was really when I gave up the desire to make a good impression and have people love me that I became free from the fear that stood in my way I have found that for some reason the more you want people to love you the more you can be sure that they won't. They can sense the anxiety and want to turn away from it.

I found it very helpful looking into information on social anxiety. There are some wonderful books on the topic. I found that the cognitive behavioral approach was the most helpful because it was the most direct and practical. It also tends to get quick results if you willing to work at it. I strongly urge you to look into this. It really helped me get out of my own fear and to look at social situations realistically instead of making them into a matter of life or death. Life can be a wonderful thing when you no longer feel driven by the need for other's approval. You become much more relaxed and are able to be friendly and open with other. When your in that place the people with whom you share common interest will be thrilled to have met you. I hope this helps a little bit.

[Dan from Michigan]

I have probably about 5 years on you if you are a freshman in college.

In my case, I just be myself. It's the only thing I know how to do.

I'm also very active in areas I'm interested in. I'm active in political orgs. In college I was on an intramural football team. I've coached football for 4 of the last 5 years as well. My political work has helped me quite a bit as well. I went door to door last year for candidates and met people that way. That was an experience(Luckily it was a right wing area.) and it was mostly positive.

I met a lot of friends(not just aquaintances) from the activities I was in. Good luck, and stay positive. You'll be alright.

[southerngrit]

I'm late to this thread, but am drawn to respond to your request for help.

I'm not a young FReeper, by any means. I did, however, at your age experience much the same frustration as you regarding my ability to communicate effectively.

My advice is that you lighten up a bit. NO ONE I know has ever mastered the art of friendship/conversation skills right out of the starting gate. If you are as frustrated as you say, that frustration will bleed through and will make others ill at ease.

I've always been taught that the way to be a good friend or conversationalist, is to engage the other party. Ask them to share their viewpoints, feelings, interests, etc. When you initiate a conversation look the other party in the eyes and actually LISTEN to what they have to say. Some of the best conversations/debates/exchanges I've ever had started with a simple question followed by an open and honest exchange of ideas. Social conversation cannot be scripted. There are no Cliff notes for you to memorize. LISTENING to responses to your overtures rather than thinking ahead to the next question or statement you should make to keep the conversation rolling will do more to stimulate open and honest exchanges than any other skill I can think of. I mean, really, don't you open up to people who seem genuinely interested in your viewpoints? It's human nature to interact with others. We are very social creatures.

One more thing...not everyone you attempt to engage conversation with is going to respond. Don't take it personally - maybe their mind is on something totally unrelated to you. Be open, be friendly or sympathetic, or whatever the situation calls for. Most importantly, be true to yourself. People can spot a phony right away. It's not necessary to agree with another's viewpoint in order to establish a lasting relationship.

I hope this helps. Put yourself out there and take a few rejections on the chin. I think you'll find plenty of folks who will be eager to respond, but who have been too timid to take a chance on making the first move.

Keep in touch, please, and let us know if any of the suggestions posted have been of value. If we are all full of baloney, let us know that, too. **grin**

Go get 'em, Tiger!!! (sorry, LSU alumni) my Dad's from Arkansas, though, do I get points for that?

[Jeff Chandler]

I don't wish to repeat the good advice that others have already given you, so I will just sum it up, and add a little bit of my own.

There is nothing wrong with being a quiet person. Don't feel obliged to be the life of the party. Some of the deepest people I know, and some of the wisest, are quiet people.

If you are a good person, and a good LISTENER, you will go farther in life than the loudmouths of the world.

Far more important than glibness is honesty and fortrightness. Look people in the eye. Shake hands warmly and firmly. Smile. Use good manners. Go ahead and let other people do the talking. But don't be afraid to ask girls out if you like them. There is a girl out there who will appreciate you for who you are, whether you talk much or not.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your stillness is your charm.

[RobFromGa]

Hi, RW.

I saw your post and I have a few ideas:

(1) talking with girls on the phone is a bad idea, they are much more experienced and are trained form birth to talk about nothing for hours;
(2) clubs like fraternities, etc are fantastic places to meet lifelong friends-- consider them;
(3) Dale Carnegie training is well worth the money-- you must learn to sell yourself to really succeed at life;
(4) please read "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. He has other books which are almost as good.

Good Luck, you are a great young man from what I have seen,

RobbFromGa

[rwfromkansas]

I wanted to update you on some awesome news!!!!!!

Well, tonight I ate at Pizza Hut with the girl that I dated that one time. This was not a date, just something as friends. But, it was incredible. I could sense she felt it was fun as well...I could only think of 2 things the entire time to make her laugh, but I managed to at least do that. It went REALLY well and she said straight up when I dropped her off that it was really enjoyable and not as stressful as last time. I definitely agree and we somehow managed to keep thet conversation flowing without a bunch of akward pauses...perhaps one or two during the entire time (this includes a 10 minute car drive back and forth, plus 30 minutes waiting for the food...and 20 minutes eating the food). That blasted blows my mind and I can't believe how wonderful it went tonight! We are definitely on our way to being friends, I can see that. I really enjoyed it and feel like it went so well. One thing that helped me is consciously trying to think of subjects to talk about, and I have a running list. That helped me out some, and most of the conversation discussion was initiated by me. Wow.

This was the best time I have had in awhile. Simply awesome!