THERE ARE LIMITS TO MY INSENSITIVITY (From Neil Boortz)

Yes, believe it or not, I do actually have some limits. After writing that little bit about the insipid French I decided to go on the web to see if I could find that article P.J. O’Rourke wrote for National Lampoon Magazine about 20 or so years ago. It was called “Foreigners Around the World.” It is, buy far, the more racist, bigoted, insensitive, offensive and hilariously funny bit I have ever read in any magazine any where at any time. I can remember about 20 years ago sitting around and reading this article to some friends. We would start laughing so hard that our eyes would water and our sides would ache. I think I even broke a rib once.

No … I won’t post a link to that article here. I don’t have the guts. My insensitivity is limited here by a strong sense of self-preservation. I will, however, share with you some edited versions of what P.J. O’Rourke had to say about the French and the Germans.

The French

Racial Characteristics:
Sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. They take filthy pictures of each other with cheap cameras, wash nothing but their _____, fight with their feet, and perform sex acts with their faces. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.

Good Points:
Invented the ____job

The Germans

Racial Characteristics:
Piggish-looking, sadomasochistic automatons whose only known forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from vast tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive verses of their porcine folk tune-both of which amusements probably hark back to a prehuman state. Germans have never been successfully Christianized. Their language lacks any semblance of civilized speech. Their usual diet consists almost wholly of old cabbage and sections of animal intestines filled with blood and gore. Once every two or three decades, they set forth, lemming-like, on pointless military adventures during which great numbers of them are slaughtered-much to the improvement Of the world in general. Their lardy women have long, tangled masses of sticky hair under their arms, and the men shave the sides of their heads.

Good Points:
Kill a lot of French

No … absolutely not. I am NOT going to post the link. You're on your own.

I looked up the Irish one. DAMN, and O'Rourke is Irish.

IRISH
Racial Characteristics:
Pie-faced, neckless, bandy-legged sots who almost never f***. Ignorant and superstitious, they are in utter thrall to the vile, conniving priests of their dark and barbarous religion. Their women have their legs on upside down and no man in the country eats anything but potatoes, and only eats them when has out of strong drink. The principal delights of the Irish are in quarreling and fighting and killing each other with bombs. They can be trained to do nothing useful that a dray horse can't accomplish in half the time, and they spew out a continuous stream of mumbles and grunts which they fancy to be "poems." They sell their children for whiskey.

Good Points:
Many Irish are dead.

Proper Forms of Address
: Bogmouth, peat-face, Mr. Potato Head, nun-buns, dumb Mick.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Irish Character: There once was an Irishman who got so drunk while he was in Rome that he kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel.

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ENGLISH
Racial Characteristics:
Cold-blooded queers with nasty complexions and terrible teeth who once conquered half the world but still haven't figured out central heating. They warm their beers and chill their baths and boil all their food, including bread. An intensely snobbish group, but who exactly they're snubbing is an international mystery. Lately they've been getting their comeuppance world power-wise, as their shabby, antiquated, and bankrupt little back alley of a country slowly winds down like the ill-crafted clockwork playthings of which their undersized children are so fond. In fact, last year their entire government had to kiss the ass of the fat aboriginal nig-nog who runs Uganda to retrieve a single flit hack writer from the clutches of that august nation. They all have large collections of something useless like lamp finials or toad eggs, and they would have lost both world wars if it were not for us. They like to be spanked with canes and that's just what they deserve.

Good Points:
It's relatively easy to make yourself understood with them.

Proper Forms of Address:
Limey, lime-eater, pom, poof, sister-boy.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the English Character:
In his unpublished memoirs, Benjamin Disraeli tells the story of a political conference with then-Prime Minister William Gladstone, who habitually conducted such private discussions while being fellated by an able-bodied seaman of the Royal Navy. At one point during their talk, the sailor suddenly looked up from Gladstone's penis and said, "Excuse me, Sir, but you've c@#&." "By Jove, so I have," said Gladstone, and he gave the tar a sovereign.