Posted on 02/26/2003 4:23:58 AM PST by BigWaveBetty
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted transcenddental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I called my wonderful dem senator's office a few minutes ago and told them I was quite embarrassed by the dem fillibuster (such as it is) and that they should knock it off and simply bring the man up for a vote.
We have many hispanics in our state and it seems that Bill Nelson got the message.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush picked up a fourth U.S. Senate Democrat on Tuesday, Bill Nelson of Florida, in support of his embattled nomination of Miguel Estrada to a federal appeals court. Full story
The other dim senator, Bob Graham (d), is still trying to decide.
I can't tell you how grateful I am that I don't live in Orlando and Orange County, where gore won btw.
Returning to the United States following a week-long mission to Great Britain, Italy, Qatar, Pakistan and Afghanistan, U.S. Sen. Jay Rockefeller, D-W.Va. held a conference call Tuesday with media representatives to review the trip and answer questions on national security issues and other matters. Accompanying Rockefeller were sens. Pat Roberts, R-Kan., Carl Levin, D-Mich., and John Warner, R-Va., the chairman, ranking member and chairman, respectively, of the Senate's Intelligence and Armed Services committees.
"In my opinion, al- Qaida, North Korea and the Kashmir region between Pakistan and India pose larger threats to the U.S. than Iraq," Rockefeller said. "Having said that, through my meetings with (Secretary of Defense) Don Rumsfeld, (National Security Advisor) Condolezza Rice and other of the president's people, I'm convinced that he has made up his mind to go to war with or without the (U.N.) votes." [How many votes does this nitwit believe are necessary, considering Iraq has violated the terms of the 1991 cease fire?]
Rockefeller, the ranking member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, [Why are the stupidest ones always put on the Intelligence Committee?] said he had the opportunity to visit with many West Virginians in the National Guard, reserve and regular military units and was impressed with the "cooperation" and resolve exhibited by the servicemen and women. ... The senator is also fearful of the troops "losing their cutting edge" if diplomacy and negotiations continue for a "prolonged" period of time.
Rockefeller also said the "tide is running against us, both here and abroad" in the war on terrorism. "I spoke with a chief of Pakistan's intelligence forces about terror and he pointed to a map of Africa and South America," Rockefeller continued. "There, he said, are the next areas. It's the concept of poverty. [This guy is worth billions, as if he had a clue. Maybe he should give money to these people so they won't be so anti-America] The terrorist groups are offering to take them in, train them and pay them. The link between poverty and national security, we have to come to grips with that." [See what I mean? He can't even make a coherent statement.]
.... German and French forces, although their respective governments oppose a war with Iraq, continue to help create a modern Afghan state. "They are training a national army that will eventually replace the warlords and tribal units that have for hundreds of years controlled Afghanistan," Rockefeller said. "And they are helping to rebuild Kabul and other centers of the country." [He's crediting France and Germany for rebuilding Afghanistan? What an idiot] source
WASHINGTON - Saddam Hussein is being threatened with trial as a war criminal if the United States goes to war with Iraq. If the Iraqi president and his generals "take innocent life, if they destroy infrastructure, they will be held accountable as war criminals," U.S. President George W. Bush said Tuesday. source
I am unimpressed by the grandstanding of certain European leaders. Their actions undermine the only truly effective means of pressure on the Iraqi dictator: the threat of the use of force.
War for Peace? It worked in my country.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader.
"That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs.Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
What did they expect?
This article has me irritated: Bechler's Widow to Sue Supplement Maker I've used an ephedra containing natural sinus remedy occasionally over the past ten years with no ill effects. Of course, I read the label and followed the instructions.
Is there something wrong with atheletes? Are they able to read and sign multi-million dollar contracts, yet they can't read a label and follow the directions?
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