After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most
women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are
listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were
called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the
‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by
using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting
room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and
then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the
Staff passed out.
I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?
Bookmarking a classic!