Saying 'No' to the Grief Industry: The Case for Not Facing Death Head On

Wall Street Journal ^ | June 2, 2005 | JEFF ZASLOW

[La Enchiladita]

In the months after her son took his own life in 2001, Rhunette Long began attending meetings of a self-help group for suicide survivors. At each session, attendees retold the specifics of their loved ones' deaths. Some had been coming and doing this for years.

"They were sobbing, and they kept saying they were angry at the person who died," says Ms. Long, a 62-year-old retiree in Gilbert, S.C.

Group members told Ms. Long that she'd need to go through her "anger phase," too. But she didn't feel angry at her son, and didn't believe that publicly reliving her loss was helping her. She also thought other attendees seemed "stuck" in their sadness. After three meetings, she stopped going. She now grieves for her son more quietly, and believes she's coping.

Our culture has made great strides in encouraging people to face death and dying head on, and many people find it beneficial to dissect and articulate their feelings.

But others still prefer to deal with grief by not talking about it or dwelling on their pain. Yet even when this low-key approach works for them, they often feel pressured to grieve in more demonstrative ways.

....

"It's a cliché that you have to go through certain stages, and that grieving requires assistance," says psychologist Paul Pearsall of the University of Hawaii at Manoa. He uses himself as an example. When he had cancer in 1987, doctors said his condition was terminal.

"I cried, whined, felt sorry for myself and lived in denial," he says. Friends gave him self-help books, but the platitudes in them drove him nuts. "I felt like a failure at dying," as if he wasn't grieving properly, he says.

[La Enchiladita]

This could be liberating for some. salsa5555...salsa5

[Auntie Mame]

Thanks.