DUmmie FUnnies 07-05-11 (Pitt proclaims, "I Pledge Allegiance to the Pole")

DUmmie FUnnies ^ | July 5, 2011 | William Rivers Pitt, DUmmies, and Charles Henrickson

[GeronL]

One step away from fetal alcohol syndrome... wait this author is 39 years old?? I thought maybe he was ALMOST born from the maturity level.

[Incorrigible]

Ugh! I struggle to get through his prose just for your bon mots. Does he actually get paid to submit such drivel to Truthout and other such nonsense sites or is Bukowski’s his only source of income? Well, other than his trust fund. Does he have health insurance through his suffering wife?

[Arrowhead1952]

This made me cry. . . . It's sick what has happened here. . . . All of it is sick, disgusting.

[Come on, it wasn't THAT bad, was it? I mean, you made it to the end!]

It almost made me cry too, but because these DUmmies cannot be living in reality.

[kevkrom]

Pitt proclaims, "I Pledge Allegiance to the Pole"

And here I thought it was going to be Pitt's "coming out of the closet" post.

[Arrowhead1952]

Good lord, what a self-important load of overwritten crap!

It sounds like a teenager that had to dream up an essay for school and was high on drugs.

[Libloather]

...the fifth of gin.

Shows up on my calendar at least once a month.

[lwd]

He's so well accomplished, I think he may have invented a twister-style board game too!

[lwd]

Speaking of parodies....here's the winning entry (if I'm not mistaken) of the "Pied Piper Pitt Day Essay Contest"

An Excursion into a Beerglass.

I still remember the day very clearly, which is remarkable for me. I could no longer resist the magnetic force of self-destruction, and propelled my soulless carcass toward my favorite taproom just as morning rush hour in the city was abating.

As my lonely feet trod the pavement of my Boston neighborhood, I reflected upon my own celebrity. This did not take long, as I am a fairly minor player in the scope of things. Still, I had a flock to guide, to cast pearls amongst, to chide drunkenly when they ignored my teachings. It is not a coincidence that I live where I live. In the fight against a new tyrant, a new King George, the need for a Patrick Henry-Paine-Betsy-Ross-Otis-Hancock is more critical than ever.

As this mental masturbation bathed and nourished my id, my friend Jimmy happened to walk by. Salt-of-the-Earth, blue collar, disabled, courageous. That’s Jimmy. I was glad to bring some sunshine into his ordinarily milquetoast, non-revolutionary existence.

“Headed out for a beer?” Jimmy snickered.

“Heh….how did you know?” I responded teasingly.

“Let me join you.”

We finally made our way to my favorite establishment, the Herman Hesse Taphouse. I made it a point a long time ago to eschew any so-called “bar” that didn’t devote some sacred energy towards attracting literati such as myself. I took my normal, well-worn stool and nodded to the bartender. He placed my sweet medication before me.

“Drink up, Shakespeare,” the bartender scoffed, his eyes rolling. He’s always so funny like that.

I took a sip to cease the tremens, and then directed my attention towards the television. His Divine Excellency George W. Bush was shown speaking about some subject that I probably know more about than he does.

The ascendancy of this new diabolical empire, the dark heart of which unceasingly pumps the cold plasma of neoconservative fascist corporatism, has already peaked. The American people have heard the reveille of true patriots, such as truthout.org, and their stirrings have agitated the rotten foundations built by our serfmasters of filthy lucre, cast from the dust and shards of the dreams stamped out by the gold-plated jackboots of a fanatical minority.

But what of the irreparable damage that has been caused in the mere six-and-a-half years since the greatest deception ever wrought upon the Republic? What about the example cast in the tears of thousands of orphan children taken by the hubris of our appointed leaders.

A tear jettisoned itself into my beer, much like the great suicidal plunge the American dream has taken for so many.

“Room for one more?” a voice behind me melodically inquired.

It was Cindy Sheehan.

“Always for a friend,” I responded.

And we cried together.

[NELSON111]

How can Poor Deluded Pitt remember America when he never knew what it was?

You know...I've been thinking something along the same lines. It's funny how these DUmmies remember some bye-gone America...and identify themselves with the founding fathers.

How absoletely delusional. I really hope some are lurking on the DUmmie Funny thread right now...because I have a message for you:

Our Founding Fathers and Americans gone bye had absolutely NOTHING in common with you. Imagine this if you will, DUmmy: You all meet in a Tavern. You...the DUmmy...and the Founding Fathers...and some other Great Americans down throughout our History. You would have talked about "FREEDOM!" and they would have talked about "FREEDOM!" And they might have raised a pint of Ale to you. Then you might have said 'YEs! Freedom! A country where a Man and another MAN can express their love for each other!"

And Franklin's pint of Ale would have come crashing to the ground...he would have looked at Madison...and Madison would have glanced at the group from 1930...and they in turn would have looked at that rag tag bunch from the 1860's...as they collectively lost their lunch.

And then DUmmy...they would have said..."NO...FReedom from the GOVERNMENT'S RULE over our LIVES! BUT not from GOD's rule over our lives!"

Then you would have said..."NO wait...you said Freedom from religion...that's in the constitution. It's the 1st amendment. Don't you agree we can't have praying and bibles and stuff in public? Isn't that what you all fought for?

Then Washington stands and says "No you dolt....it's freedom OF religion...not FROM it...as he draws his side arm. With that...William Rivers Pitt Screams "HEY!!! You can't have that in here...you're a private citizen! You wrote it in the constitution that only the state militia's could have weapons...NOT citizens!!!

And with that...EVERY signer of the Declaration of Independance and the Constitution...and the rest of the Party of Historic Americans...from the War of 1812...The Civil War...and on down to the 1950's looked at each other...then let out a laugh so hard that beer flew out their noses.

As the Dummies were tossed out the bar...they looked at each other and said "BUT...But...But....I coulda swore that we were just like them!?!?"

And you know what...I really think they believe it too.

[Cletus.D.Yokel]

But the old, hoary history of that pole

Kewl, I've never seen a white telephone pole before.

[DJ MacWoW]

Sadly they do believe all of that. They believe that America was designed to be secular. They have not learned true history. They don't understand life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. They don't understand patriotism at all. And God is a kind of Santa Claus.

[Welsh Rabbit]

Fourteen year old angst-filled ‘poets’ everywhere are envious of Pitt’s skill.

His style does remind of my own when I was a teenager, and thought bombastic verbosity was the essence of good writing. It seemed to serve me well enough in high school, where I got good marks because teachers are still mostly grading grammar at that point.

But college was a rude awaking. My first composition paper was returned full of red inked remarks around the paragraphs like, "What are you trying to say here?", "What point are you trying to make?", "What does this even mean?", and somewhere before the middle, "I quit reading at this point. You need to be more concise. D-". It's a shame some professor never did that for Will.

[Ditter]

If he gets this worked up over nails in a pole, wonder how he will react to cigarette filters on the sidewalk?

[HGSW0904]

It's a shame some professor never did that for Will.

I was on the receiving end of similar treatment. It's an uncomfortable sting to go from being the Golden Child of high school English to seeing your first paper(s) bleeding red ink.

Perhaps a professor, or many professors, did try to correct him. His ego is enormous enough that I suspect any criticism leveled at him is rationalized away and dismissed. Any writer who can lay down that nonsense and actually publish it to the world has got some serious hubris going on.

[xp38]

[freedomlover]

[little jeremiah]

It’s interesting about leftist/atheists. Everyone has to worship someone, and leftist/atheists often are their own god. Pitts obviously is! The worst ones want others to join their cults, though (worshipping Them).

[JennysCool]

HAHAHA! That is GREAT!

[alarm rider]

What a twitty drama queen.

[USMCWife6869]

Al those words and he says absolutely nothing. What a windbag.