Being an adoptive mother is a tough task, but then so is being a step-mom, a birth mom, etc. I have depended on God to get me thru the joys/heartaches of being a mother, in whatever capacity He deems. In turn, I have instructed my daughter that 2 important people in the bible were orphaned or adopted: Moses (by the Pharaoh’s daughter) and Esther (by her uncle), and that they both saved their people by God’s will. And, that we as Christians are all “adopted” back into His family thru the sacrifice of His son, Jesus. So, I’ve tried to tell her and my stepsons, it doesn’t matter if the same blood doesn’t run thru our veins, it’s how our hearts and souls are inclined that really matter!
All I know is, I have been SO blessed by my stepsons and my adopted daughter! I don’t specify step or adopted—I just tell people these are my kids. Thankfully the boys’ mom and I have had a long-term good relationship since she saw early on that I just loved them and had no intentions to “take them away.” That has served me well over these 22 years...
As for the “rights” of birth vs adoptive mom: I just go back to King Solomon’s example, and see which woman truly considered the child’s life as more precious than their own. I pray for God’s peace on my daughter’s birth mother, a peace that only He can give her to somehow assure her that her precious baby has grown into a wonderful teen and that we love her so very much. I thank God every day that the birth mother didn’t abort her cuz we’d never have had her, that she didn’t leave her to freeze and die in the Siberian cold, that she wasn’t abused, that her mother wasn’t a drug or alcoholic, that our daughter is healthy! So many blessings, it’s hard too count!
I think sometimes people have to run into an obstacle they can’t overcome before God works in their hearts. My obstacle was being infertile, and God certainly turned that around for me! As people say, we have to be totally broken and fall down flat before He can lift us up. So, perhaps the folks you referred to will have their hearts soften as He works on them. We are all a work in progress, and God is always there.
Good friends of mine adopted a 2 year old, and when that little boy was five, birth mom showed up out of nowhere and wanted to muscle in on how he was raised, wanted visitation rights, wanted him to call her "mommy"....in every way a heartbreaking situation and it's still not resolved.
IMO the birth mother has no, repeat no, role until the child is of age and at that time wishes to make contact.