3 Tips to Raising a Youth Athlete in Era of Entitlement

About two years ago, Kristen Welch, a mommy blogger and author, wrote an article Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World. The post (linked here: http://wearethatfamily.com/2013/03/raising-grateful-kids-in-an-entitled-world/) was extremely well written and it received a lot of attention as it struck a chord with many readers.

In today's ProScoutSports LLC blog (www.proscoutsports.com), we will explore some of the aspects in Kristen's article as they relate to youth sports. In a world that consistently tells our children that they are entitled to everything they want, exactly when they want it, how can we parents best propagate a spirit of selflessness and gratitude in our children?

Earlier this week I wrote about our collective loss of patience as a society in Who Killed the Tortoise: The Lost Art of Patience http://proscoutsports.blogspot.com/2015/05/who-killed-tortoise-lost-art-of-patience.html. Patience has certainly been lost in youth sports. In a recent survey, more than 70 percent of all boys are participating on an organized sports team by the time they are six-years-old. As we've written about in earlier articles, junior high school athletes are now receiving college scholarship offers. On the flip side, the attrition rates of young athletes have never been higher ("Why kids ditch youth sports:" http://newsinfo.iu.edu/web/page/normal/3885.html).

Because of a lack of patience, timetables have been escalated to such a degree that our sons and daughters are being rushed through their childhoods. Just a quick reminder: once childhood is over we don't get a second opportunity to go back and do it again.

Below are three tips that can help us move our children from a mindset of entitlement to one of selflessness and gratitude.

Tip 1: Your Child Does NOT Set the Family Schedule and Neither Does Your Child's Coach

Yes, this will probably upset some coaches (I know it upset me as a coach from time-to-time) but your child does not set your family's schedule and neither does your child's coach. As a parent, it is up to you to decide in what league your child will be playing and what type of schedule your child will be playing. (Of course, his or her ability will play a factor in team selection as well).

If your faith and church attendance are important to your family, joining a travel team that plays games during times when you would normally be in church or synagogue may not be a wise decision. It may even mean that your child will need to play in a less competitive league to keep your faith and family a priority.

What usually gets in the way of making such difficult decisions? Ego. What will people think if Johnny is playing in the rec league instead of travel league? has passed through too many minds.

This is not at all meant to be an indictment against people of faith who are involved in travel or club sports. Yet, maybe there is a viable alternative, such as having a Bible study or chapel service in a hotel room at some point during a busy weekend of games. But if that is not an option, it is the responsibility of a parent to tell a child that he or she cannot be part of a particular club because it interferes with a family priority. If faith is a stated priority, yet you are missing church every weekend so that your child can play sports, it's pretty clear to the child what is the true priority.

With that said, if you commit to being on a team, fully commit to that team and its schedule. You owe it to the coach and to your child's teammates. Of course, there are exceptions. Your child shouldn't be missing a significant family event for a game, especially at younger ages. But, if you do have to miss, communicate with the coach before the season begins.

Put your wallet back in your pocket. Your child does NOT need the best bat, glove, lacrosse/hockey stick, clubs, or sneakers on the market. You can give a poor hitter the best bat money can buy and it isn't going to make him Mike Trout or Rory McIlroy, although in no way am I diminishing bat and club technology. However, your eight-year-old does not need a $300 composite bat just because his or her teammate has one (well at least until he forgets it at the park).

If your child really wants a top-notch piece of equipment, what better way to incentivize a positive behavior or task than to have your son our daughter earn a piece of equipment that she really wants. She will appreciate it that much more than if it's given to her just because she's so darn cute.

While this isn't always up to the parents, the top notch Under Armour uniform with tackle-twill numbers and nameplates on the jerseys of 10-year-olds is a bit much. Having multiple uniforms sets is as well. Somebody is paying for these uniforms and, with the exception of elite travel/club teams, it's the parents.

Why are we pricing some young people out of the youth sports marketplace so that 10-year-olds can wear major league-caliber uniforms? If you are the head of an organization that can influence this decision, we encourage you to take a close look at the reasons why you may believe that your club has to have the best uniforms and equipment. Just because you don't spend a fortune doesn't mean that you are going to look like a bunch of ragamuffins.

We wrote more about this topic here (http://proscoutsports.blogspot.com/2015/05/coach-why-is-my-child-riding-bench.html) but we think it needs to be reiterated. It's okay for your child to sit the bench. Again, it's OKAY for your child to sit the bench, even if your child is the "best" player on the team.

Why? Because, unless your child is extremely rare, he or she won't always be the best player on his or her team. She also won't always be the first chair in the orchestra, or the soloist in the choir, or the lead in the play. And even if he is usually the best, wouldn't it be healthy for your son to know that his acceptance as a child isn't wrapped up in his performance? Also, wouldn't it be healthy for him to understand that if he really wants to be first chair in orchestra that he is going to have to work harder than everyone else?

I'm not suggesting that a young athlete should be rotting away on the bench never to see the light of the playing field. At younger levels, all children should be given the opportunity to participate. But, riding the pine can be a great learning experience. Complaining to the coach whenever your child is on the bench creates a sense of entitlement in a young person that may never be overcome.

This past week I attended a music recital that included a number of children with developmental disabilities, ranging from blindness, to Down syndrome, to autism. One of the most impressive things about the concert was that in a number of cases the audience truly couldn't decipher if a child had a developmental disability, or if he or she was typically developing. In some cases it was more obvious, usually because the pride of the student, as well as that of his or her parents, was beyond measure.

What do you think participation meant to these children? Why has this been lost in so many ways in youth sports? When the worst player on your son's 8U lacrosse team, a player who couldn't catch a ball if you threw it to him 600 times, is experiencing the pleasure of running up and down the field with his teammates while your son is spending some time on the bench, why is that a problem? This may be the last sports team that this boy ever plays on and it may be a positive memory that he can take with him of the rest of his life.

We parents want the best for our children. We desperately want our sons and daughters to succeed. Yet, for our sons and daughters to learn and to maintain a spirit of gratitude, compassion, and selflessness, it's incumbent upon us to NOT give them everything they want. Yes, it may mean a few more fights in the car but that displeasure will pass. Years down the road our children may even thank us for it.

Maybe I should start a blog. This pretty much sums up my thoughts, I used it with my high school baseball team a few years ago, even gave them MAN cards; many still carry them.

R.E.A.L. M.A.N.

Responsible-A real man is dependable and takes responsibility for his own actions. He doesn’t make alibis or excuses. He doesn’t blame coaches, umpires, or other players for his own lack of success, but rather examines himself to recognize what skills He needs to improve on. He doesn’t listen to those who want to make excuses on his behalf, but instead works harder to become better.

Encourager-A real man encourages those around them to become better. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” In a game defined by failure players who are able to encourage themselves and their teammates are invaluable. Real men hold their teammates and themselves accountable for their actions and inspire each other to become their best.

Action-A real man is a doer, he does not sit back in the comfortable softness of inaction but instead is willing to put himself on the line for a chance at greatness. Where others see an obstacle that leads to failure, he sees an opportunity for success made greater by the challenge.

Leader-A real man leads not by words but by his actions. He does not wait for someone else to step up and get the job done; he wants to be the one. Anyone can be a leader in good times; a real man is the type of leader who knows the greatest victories come after difficult struggles and therefore keeps faith in himself and his teammates during hard times.

Mentor-A real man is willing to use their experience to help a younger or less experienced player become better. Instead of being threatened by the younger player’s talent, they realize that they can improve the team and be part of that player’s success. Be the kind of player that a coach could tell an underclassman to model themselves after.

Athlete-A real man honors his commitment to himself and the team by training himself as an athlete. He gets the proper amount of sleep, eats the right foods, and abstains from consuming products or engaging in activities that hinder his athletic performance.

Necessary-Every championship team I have been around has had at its core a group of players that embrace these principles. When two good teams play this is often the edge the winner has. This is how the underdog who the only people who think they can win are members of that team, defeats the popular favorite who has listened to the crowd and thinks the game is already won and that they only have to show up.

Boys don’t win Championships, REAL MEN do.

These principles will serve you well long after your playing days are over. The world needs real men; it is what employers want their employees to be, it is what wives want their husbands to be, it is what children want their fathers to be, and I hope it is what you want to be.

You will become a man, time and nature will see to that, but to be a REAL MAN is a choice, a choice that must be made everyday.

Most of this was pretty good, but:

> When the worst player on your son’s 8U lacrosse team, a player who couldn’t catch a ball if you threw it to him 600 times, is experiencing the pleasure of running up and down the field with his teammates while your son is spending some time on the bench, why is that a problem? This may be the last sports team that this boy ever plays on and it may be a positive memory that he can take with him of the rest of his life.

kind of lost me. I don’t want youth sports to be fiercely win-at-all-costs, but at the same time, those with athletic ability should be rewarded with more playing time then the low-skill (for whatever reason) ones.

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