To Roast the perfect turkey every time, it's just a 11 simple step program to success, here's how Carlo3b does it.. hehe
What to buy: Because most holiday celebrations consist of families members you don't even like, balanced with whinny children and crotchety grandparents, but plenty of favorite side dishes and desserts, I recommend buying 1 lb per person, but if it's obnoxious teenagers and idiot young adults, kick it up to 1 1/2 lbs per.
1. Your frozen Turkey should thaw in the refrigerator or cold water. Depending upon the size, don't kid yourself size does count, this could take a couple of days (thawing you pervert.. ts ts). When ready to cook, preheat the oven to 315° to 330° F, individual oven vary. I recommend using a meat thermometer, for the bird...LOLOL. Turkey is fully cooked when the thigh's internal temperature is 180° F. The thickest part of breast should read 170° F and the center of the stuffing should be 160°.
2. When it's defrosted, you'll discover STUFF inside the body cavity, LOL it belongs there DUH, it's the giblets (don't ask) from the neck cavity. Take everythingy out and rinse the whole bird and damp dry it inside and out with paper towels.
3. Before roasting, stuff the neck and body cavities loosely, if you wish (if your alive and it's warm, you'll love this part...sigh), with stuffing, dang!!. Twist the wings back to hold the neck skin in place, think of your in-laws, and return legs to tucked position if un-tucked. Woo Hoo No trussing should be necessary, but if you enjoy sewing ..HA!
4. Put the turkey, breast side up, (there is a new theory though, contrary to this tradition placing the breast down) on a flat rack in an open roasting pan about 2 inches deep, in the center of your oven. Back away Quickly.... LOL... just kidding ;^))
5. Insert the meat thermometer deep into the thickest lower part of the thigh next to the body, but do not touching the bone.
6. Baste the skin with vegetable oil frequently (it isn't really necessary, but you look so important doing it), to keep the skin from drying, and creating a beautiful brown glow... yummmmm... snicker <I :-}>
7. Everything that comes in contact with any raw meat or fish, including all utensils, sink and counter tops, (your hands too, for Palm Beach residents) should be torched... LOLOLOL ..no, no, no, just kiddin' again. Just wash or wipe down with a solution of warm soapy water with a few oz. of Household Bleach. This is a habit I hope you get used to doing, just do it!!
8. Roast you bird. Hahaha at 325° F, for approximately %$#^ minutes... hahahha ok, sheesh, 10 to 18 lbs
3 to 3-1/2 hrs, 18 to 22 lbs, 3-1/2 to 4 hrs, and 22 to 24 lbs, 4 to 4-1/2 hrs, about a half to 1 hr longer if stuffed.. Take it's temperature, like I told ya, and you'll be ok! When the skin is slightly golden, about 2/3 done, cover the top loosely with aluminum foil to prevent an explostion....yeah...REALLY. ........naw I lied, Boooo.
9. Wear an apron with your name on it or somethin cool, and stuff a towel in your waist band, if you have a waist.. Bwhahahhah, ..sorry, and frequently wipe your hands if you need it or not, and wipe you forehead when someone walks in!
Chef Carlo TIP!! Keep a beer or better, in the middle shelf of your refrigerator to keep you sane during the boring time you spend in the kitchen, because it's so simple.. but NEVER, NEVER tell anyone about it, and burn this page after reading it!!
10. When done, let the turkey stand for 15 to 20 minutes before carving. Put this masterpiece on a pre warmed oval plate that one you never use, and put pretty stuff like flowers and greens, or apples all around it like a coffin. Complain about you back, but smile bravely with that pained look you can do, as you bring it in to your waiting suckers, dear family!! Accept tips ....cash that is, NEVER TAKE ADVICE ..ha!
What is the secret to sharpening quality knives. I can sharpen the Chicago Cuttlery fine but the Five Star Henckels eludes me.