"Cat in the Hat: A****** in Fur": UK Guardian

UK Guardian ^ | 11/29/03 | UK Guardian

[SerpentDove]

"An abomination, impure and simple." Joe Morgenstern, the Wall Street Journal

"Like being run over by a garbage truck that backs up and dumps its load on top of you. It's a sloppy and vulgar burlesque, one of the most repulsive kiddie movies ever... aggressively unpleasant... With his genius comic radar, Myers must have sensed the slant was wrong but couldn't turn back. Even under all that hair you can detect the expression of someone flapping his arms to keep a lead balloon aloft... The movie's grim subtext is the wreck of [co-star Alec] Baldwin's career - how puffy he looks, and how he never manages to rise above his material." David Edelstein, Slate

"If the producers had dug up Ted Geisel's [Dr Seuss's] body and hung it from a tree, they couldn't have desecrated the man any more." Ty Burr, Boston Globe

"Charmless, pointless and all but witless adaptation, with even less charisma than that flesh-eating virus of holiday films, 2000's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Take someone you hate... Perhaps the worst holiday movie ever made." John Anderson, Newsday

"'It is fun to have fun,' the Cat famously warned, 'but you have to know how.' This movie... is a remarkably thorough demonstration of how not to... A squad of frantic screenwriters throw in disparate elements out of sheer laziness, concocting a gruelling, chaotic stew of forced whimsy that utterly lacks imaginative integrity or visual spark... I am tempted to say that this Cat should be tied up in a sack and drowned, but I wouldn't want to condone cruelty to animals, even metaphorically. Cruelty to classic works of children's literature is bad enough." AO Scott, New York Times

"The Cat in the Hat comes scarily close to being the most unendurable Hollywood creation of the last dozen years... The jokes, even the shit-dick-puke-balls bits aimed at titillating teens, are mortifyingly witless... Thanks to [director Brian] Grazer's evil-genius demographic scheme, The Cat in the Hat isn't fit for preteens, and it isn't digestible to adults. Teens, it needn't be said, should have better things - drugs, humping, Matrix sequels - on which to squander their weekends." Michael Atkinson, Village Voice

"They might as well have skipped the hassle of securing licensing rights and simply called this mess Mike Myers: Asshole in Fur." Gregory Weinkauf, Dallas Observer

[SerpentDove]

I wasted time and money taking young nephew to the most putrid, unfunny and filthy "family movie" I have ever seen.

A few gems aimed at young minds:

(The Cat accidentally chops off his tail): "SON OF A BEEEEEEEEEEP!" (Goes "off air" temporarily.)

A car with the acronym "S.H.I.T."

A song in which neutering is referred to: "...chopped of his B..." cutely "catches" himself and substitutes "funny" replacement line.

Seeing a toilet with flames shooting out of it (The Cat): "That kind of thing really burns my AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Goes down waterslide while trying to finish his profanity.

In a "hilarious" bit, the cat picks up a hoe in a lawn with a lump of dirt on it. Gathering all the wit he can muster, the cat says "You dirty hoe." Then imitating a black person, he says, "I'm just kiddin', baby, you know I love ya."

Pathetic and juvenile.

This was an absolutely shameful waste of time and money.

[Restorer]

So, did you enjoy the movie?

[SerpentDove]

HA HA HA.

You should have been one of the writers. It sure couldn't have made it worse.

[hellinahandcart]

Looks like another movie your kids can miss.

[jimkress]

The Cat simulating an erection when picking up the mothers's picture was also tasteless and disgusting. Totally inappropriate for children, or even adults.

[ValerieUSA]

I heard a young reviewer trash this movie on the radio the other day, telling specifically why he hated it, how vulgar and offensive and dirty it made him feel to just be sitting in the theater watching it. He convinced me to avoid it forever.
Then the kids were flipping channels on TV the other day and saw Mike Myers and cast on Oprah's show, where she was hailing him as a comic genius. Bleahhhhh

[Cicero]

A Canadian review:

Oh, The Things In This Stink!
THE CAT IN THE HAT (Universal)
Release date: November 21, 2003
Directed by: Bo Welch
Starring: Mike Myers, Dakota Fanning, Spencer Breslin, Alec Baldwin, Kelly Preston and Sean Hayes


Reviewed by: Darrin Keene
Rating: *

Watching The Cat In The Hat, Hollywood's latest lobotomized take on a Dr. Seuss tale, is a grueling exercise. Dry shaving is a more pleasant experience than viewing this 78-minute travesty.

Anyone familiar with the Dr. Seuss' work knows that his stories transcend generation gaps. He creates a world unto itself, injecting moral tales within a rhyme structure that is surreal for adults, but strikingly simple for children. Books like The Cat In The Hat teach good lessons and stimulate the imagination as effectively now as they did nearly half a century ago.

The Cat In The Hat, like all Seuss books, is a simple story: while Mom's away, two children watch in wonderment as a magic talking cat and his fellow "Things" wreak havoc all over their house. Despite the rational protestations of the family fish, everyone seems to be having fun, until the children realize that Mom is coming home soon. The Cat In The Hat eventually fixes his mess amidst a big state of panic and the children learn an important message about taking responsibility. It's all told in the Doctor's trademark charming language.

The film version, on the other hand, is a cold and cynical beast of a story. A team of screenwriters may have been trying to tap into the 21st century by reinventing the story with a hard-working single Mom (Kelly Preston) and her dead-beat boyfriend (Alec Baldwin). They even turn one of the children into a Palm-toting over-achiever (Dakota Fanning). The screenwriters seem to have forgotten that it was Dr. Seuss, not Dr. Phil, who penned the original story.

These family-counseling casualties don't get in the way of the film's true star, the Cat (Mike Myers). Once he makes his vainglorious presence, the viewer is treated to steady a litany of Myers-isms. Alas, anyone who is familiar with Myers' body of work will find that he's running on fumes here.

It appears that Myers has no issue with milking his usual shtick. He works elements from such former characters as Austin Powers, Fat Bastard and Wayne Campbell into a fragmented set of skits, replete with fast edits and a myriad of CGI effects. Granted, his manic energy is something to behold, but how many times do we have to see him make cheesy product placements (this time for Universal theme parks) or milk a British/Scottish accent for cheap laughs?

The CGI work only serves to prove that the best computer action sequences can't replicate the imagination-inducing power of Seuss' rhymes. Even the set designs seem to have a plastic Martha-Stewart-on-LSD quality to them. In this case, that's not a good thing.

As for the moral undertone of the original story, it's there — but wrapped in a package of nudge-wink adult jokes and devoid of true Seuss-inspired magic. One of Dr. Seuss' great talents was to make the moral lesson evident without ever lecturing. Not so with the film. A few lines are added where Myers lets the moral cat out of the bag, perhaps in an effort to accommodate kids who wouldn't be able to discern a clear message out of the fragmented story.

The most noteworthy thing this reviewer witnessed during the screening was the relative silence of the many kids in the theatre. Personally, I squirmed in my seat, eagerly anticipating the end to this miserable hatchet job on one of my childhood classics. I lament the fact that new generations will likely learn about Seuss' story via this CGI-laden monstrosity, which fails miserably in interpreting the good Doctor's timeless tale.

[jocon307]

"If the producers had dug up Ted Geisel's [Dr Seuss's] body and hung it from a tree, they couldn't have desecrated the man any more." - Ty Burr, Boston Globe

That says it all. You can tell from the TV ads it's bad, so how bad is it, if they can't make a decent commercial?

I was pretty outraged when they remade the Grinch. The TV original is a thing of perfection, and one of my very favorite Christmas pieces. Carey was decent as the Grinch, but the movie (which I finally saw because hubby & the kid will watch anything, and they outvote me) was not as bad as I'd feared, but still garbage.

[Elliott Jackalope]

Regarding that movie now playing at the local theater:

I will not go over there,
I will not sit in your chair.
I will not pay to see "Cat in the Hat",
I will not agree to suffer through that.
For shame, you producers of dreck that's so vile
that the neighbors can smell it from a country mile.
The odor created does certainly reek,
This movie shall not last for more than a week.
Mike Myers should know that for all he can do
the bad news is that his career is quite through.
No more "Austin Powers", no more of "Wayne's World",
For we've seen your cat film and the audience hurled.
Everyone involved has inflicted great pain,
they should ever and always hang their heads down in shame.

(With apologies to the late, great Theodore Geisel.)

[hellinahandcart]

The movie's grim subtext is the wreck of [co-star Alec] Baldwin's career - how puffy he looks, and how he never manages to rise above his material."

Two questions:

1. Did Alec really look that bad? Do tell.

What were you thinking, taking your impressionable nephew to an Alec Baldwin movie?! ;D

[SerpentDove]

Did I mention Alec Baldwin is one of the stars? Plays himself.

A loud, arrogant, overbearing jerk who gets in the face of the kids and scares them. He plays their mom's "suitor."

[Mercat]

My 2 year old granddaughter hated the book. She wanted us to read it up until the point where the cat comes into the house... about three pages in for uninformed out there. Then she hit him in every page. She refused to sit still or let us continue when Thing 1 and Thing 2 appeared. I think it's the worst book Dr. Seuss wrote and frankly, I think Dr. Seuss was way overrated anyway. My kids didn't like his books that much. Hop on Pop usually ended up with a wrestling match.

[jimkress]

Why would anyone value what Oprah thinks?

Oprah hails Whoopee Goldberg and Robin Williams as comic geniuses. They are probably the most vulgar and offensive 'performers' of their generation, if not all time.

[sauropod]

That is the sense i got from the movie trailers i saw.

[SerpentDove]

"..He works elements from such former characters as Austin Powers, Fat Bastard and Wayne Campbell into a fragmented set of skits,..."

He was trying to be "Charles Nelson Riley" the whole time. I was embarrassed for him.

[hellinahandcart]

Tell 'em about how your nine-year-olds learned about gay dogs on Thanksgiving Day. LOL

[SerpentDove]

>>What were you thinking, taking your impressionable nephew to an Alec Baldwin movie?! ;D<<

We went on a whim. Imagine my horror when one of the first characters I saw was the little Tinkerbell from Will and Grace who loves to make "uproariously funny" jokes about swallowing male gonads.

Pardon my blunt approach.

[SerpentDove]

Barf to the top

[Semi Civil Servant]

The clip on Leno was of Myers (the Cat) being used as a party pinata. The "highlight" of the clip is a kid smashing a baseball bat into the Cat's crotch. How original and witty!

Seriously, this gag wasn't particularly funny when Hollywood first filmed it decades ago. Now it's completely stale and unfunny. Why did the untalented hacks who wrote this movie think such a scene belonged in kids' movie? Why do they think it's funny after being used in virtually every "comedy" since the Carter Administration.

I watched "Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" again this week. It's not a perfect movie, but it's way beyond most of the trash that passes for comedy these days.

I'd have paid to see a good rendition of "Cat In The Hat". I won't be spending any money on this garbage.

[SerpentDove]

>>I'd have paid to see a good rendition of "Cat In The Hat". I won't be spending any money on this garbage.<<

I am a major league Seuss fan. And not all of his cartoons are for the eyes of little kiddies.

I didn't particularly like the Grinch movie, but hey, it was okay for kids (as far as I can remember). But, honestly, I was ambushed by this one, and it's pretty aggravating.

Save your money.