I'M MAD AS HELL

[KINGEDWARDIII]

Thank you for your kind and wise words. You're advice kind of sounds like something GWB give to a really good freind.

[MHGinTN]

'Goodness of your heart?" Which is more important, the tax deduction or your daughter's life?

[KINGEDWARDIII]

As I've said before, I'm not leagally obligated to give her any money at all, none. If you are infering that she's nothing more that a tax write off to me, I could put much more money in my pocket in the long run by cutting her off completely. You sound like a liberal in that any reference to making sure your own finances are secure is seen as greed.

[KINGEDWARDIII]

Your words were very moving and I appreciate the kind thoughts that went into them. There is a post down a few that asks whether or not I dumped the wife, and the honest answer is yes. I've never tried to absolve myself of blame in this. Her mother became pregnant at 17 and we were married at 18. Despite my godless reasoning I thought it best we get married and have our child. We never lived together until we were married, and we had a healthy baby girl. Although I mention that I was without religion in my life I talked her from having an abortion. As a stupid kid I guess I just wanted to see what my little girl or boy would look like. And I guess I just wanted give the little guy or gal a chance. Keep in mind I had no plan whatsoever as to how we would live and survive, no longterm plans at all.
You talk about being the ultimate underdog. I guess that's why I never liked abortion, I like the underdog, and you think about the stories that could be told in this country of babies that for all the odds against them get born anyway, and go on to have happy lives.

[January24th]

Oh, don't get so wound around the axle. Look, you're in a tough bind, but part of it is your own making, that's all I'm trying to say. I'm all for every tax write-off and wise management of money, and don't fault you a bit for that. I do find it somewhat amusing, however, that you rightly divine your daughter's motivations, yet fail to see your own in the same context. You posit that you should do something, but money matters make you reconsider ...even though you know it would be best for her "reality check." She, too, should do something, but as long as you're enabling her behavior, why should she see you as anything other than a monetary opportunity? You've taught her more than you know.

Cut her off. Her entire future outlook on life may depend on your doing the right thing, the hard thing, whether you can claim her as a dependent or not. She clearly demonstrates that she has no desire to depend on you for anything other than money. This day had to come, it just came sooner than you expected. So, grant her the deepest wish of her heart: to be unaccountable to you. Will it cost you? Yeah. Is it fair? Hell no. But why let her own you and your peace of mind?

[M. Thatcher]

You are wrong and your ignorance of the matter shows.

With the tact you've shown on this thread I can't imagine why you find yourself alienated from your daughter.

[Quix]

TRUE.

Understand!

I confess, I did leave off a caution that praying about your situation, I'd encourage you to ALSO be open to THE LORD saying to pay her tuition. I don't KNOW that The Lord would say that--only that being OPEN TO THE LORD is much better than not--and that The Lord sometimes instructs us to do things that are counter intuitive from our perspective.

I'm very skeptical that The Lord would ask you to pay her living expenses.

But there is the business about to him who would borrow and going the 2nd mile etc. I don't KNOW that The Lord would apply those to you in this case but I think you need to be open to Him doing so.

Anyway--prayers for you in your challenging situation.

LUB,

[KINGEDWARDIII]

Your advice is very sound, but let me clarify one thing. I would never really consider removing her from my insurance. My point was that I'm changing the plan so that
if she needs medical attention, she won't be able to get it in her college town. She would have to get it in my town. I guess it was kind of a carrot and stick approach to get her to kick 'Gary the retard' from her apartment. And yes my premiums will be lower without her option to seek treatment anywhere. But as far as the cash is concerned, below you'll see what I would consider a perfect resolutiuon to this mess.

1. I drive over to Ames Iowa and grab Gary the retard by the throat (with a good Zell Miller type grip.) I tell him times up junior and drag him and his stuff to the street. When he gives me the mean "I play college baseball look" I return with an angry 6'2" 258# 38 year old shaved head half Irish half Italian fatherly stare. He then proceeds to the parking lot thinking about which freind he can call to shack-up with that night.

2. I resume paying the tuition. And change the healthcare back.

3. My daughter has a nice young ladie friend move in to help save on expences.

4. My daughter understands what I did and I am considered a hero.

[January24th]

Bloody hell of a plan! Step one sounds most satisfying, but step 4 is probably a fantasy until she's about 36 or so.

Of course, she'll never relent, if she's half the daughter that you are a father (Irish Italian...she's doomed!). So plan on making her corral a bit bigger and the reins a bit more painful. Give her room to kick and protest, while changing her policy to accident/major medical only. Cut off her tuition if she's as stubborn as you. Some lessons are more important than college...

If you go ahead with Step 1, please take pics and share with the class!

Good luck!

[KINGEDWARDIII]

Great Response, and thanks for the support. Not sure why I started this thread, but boy do I feel better, and in between the Archie Bunker type posts I really got some good advice I will try.
One other thing is thanks to all for chiming and and espcecially those of you that really thought things out. Lou Holtz once said that when it comes to personal problems, 80% of other people don't care and the other 20% are glad you got 'em!
Also this was cheaper than therapy!

[TheSpottedOwl]

Wow, what a mess. I cannot argue with your right to not want to finance what you consider an immoral living circumstance between your daughter and her bf.

I'm not going to pass judgement on you for mistakes made in the past, because I've made them too. There are many here on this site that have never made a mistake, and they have a good time rubbing everyone else's nose in it.

You really have to consider that because you left, you were not able to guide your daughter down a different road than which you and her mother walked. These days it doesn't make a difference in some families whether both parents are present in the home, or not. Children know their "rights".

You aren't under a legal obligation to provide college tuition for your daughter unless it is spelled out in the custody and divorce decree. I would rethink downsizing the health insurance, though. At least for now.

Face it. If you have talked to your daughter about your views on "shacking up", and she's done it despite your objections, then threatens to sue you....you don't have a daughter, you have a programmed leech. I wouldn't put up with it.

Hope things work out for everyone.

[KINGEDWARDIII]

I like what you said about the folks on FR that never make mistakes. It's hilarious to hear them talk. Your advice sounds reasonable. Your statement "you don't have a daughter, you have a programmed leech" goes to the core of this whole post. I feel like I've lost a daughter. That's the sad part not the money part. The money may be my only leverage, but it may be all for nothing if she can't see the light. Thank you for kind words.

[fritzz]

Thanks.