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A bolt out of the blue...
03-July-2006 | Ron Pickrell

Posted on 07/02/2006 10:39:35 PM PDT by pickrell

In the latest media frenzy, cellphone use has been traced to lightning strikes. Owners of the portable phones are being warned that holding these devices in a thunderstorm will increase the chances of their being killed, if they are struck by lightning. Explanations offered are that the metal of the phones, held directly to the ear, can lower the contact resistance of the skin and provide an increased conduction path for large currents.

This latest scientific media analysis conflicts however, with the recently proven theories that lighting strikes can be conclusively demonstrated to be directly linked to underwear use.

The theory that a multi-million-volt bolt of lightning will be deflected by the 50 to 300 ohms of typical skin resistance, unless a cellphone overcomes that impenetrable barrier, seems compelling to those of us who routinely and prudently wear paper hats to deflect meteors. But to leave this question to a Republican party which has controlled the House, the Senate and the Presidency for over four years, and yet has become so preoccupied with the war on terror, that they have paid scant lip service to this growing, secret killer of young people, seems unconscionable.

In order to verify beyond dispute the consensus of scientific opinion in this matter, we undertook a telephone poll of a thousand random females, who were registered as park visitors in Ohio last year. In the course of this poll, we asked each of them whether they had been struck by lightning, and whether they regularly wore underwear. Screening out the invectives and attempts to trace our calls, we sorted the respondents into several categories; 24 who definitely do wear underwear, 14 who definitely do not wear underwear, 3 who proposed intriguing offers, and 959 who threatened to report us to the authorities.

Of all the respondents, the 14 who indicated that they in fact did not regularly wear underwear, were asked if they had been struck by lightning. Conclusively, all fourteen replied that they had not.

Just as conclusively, not a single respondent answered that they had been electrocuted while holding a cellphone.

We find the conclusions are stark and unarguable. The extra amount of fabric apparently yields enough impedance to ultra-high-potential electrical discharge paths, to make an immediate FEMA issue mandatory. Any delay would be inexcusable, and will probably result in further persons being killed by lightning this year. This will not go unremarked in the fall elections.

We turned this evidence, and the associated phone numbers, over to the expert authorities- the three intriguing offers to Bill Clinton and his wife, and the 14 survivors to Al Gore.

We feel that this should end any question of scientific uncertainty, as far as lightning and the influence of human activities thereon.

It also verifies beyond dispute that an entire generation of mothers were right.

If you aren't wearing clean underwear, you shouldn't be surprised if you are struck by lightning.

And you are surely going to be soooo embarrassed.


TOPICS:
KEYWORDS: idiots; junkscience; reporters; zot

1 posted on 07/02/2006 10:39:40 PM PDT by pickrell
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To: pickrell
Hoohah! Now you can really have a bad hair day... if you aren't dead first. Cell phones may well become this decade's SUV menance.

(The Palestinian terrorist regime is the crisis and Israel's fist is the answer.)

2 posted on 07/02/2006 10:43:38 PM PDT by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives On In My Heart Forever)
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To: pickrell

HAhahahahaa. funny guy. :)


3 posted on 07/02/2006 10:49:49 PM PDT by PureSolace (God save us all)
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To: pickrell

Somebody better tell Al Gore to put this info in his next "movie".


4 posted on 07/02/2006 10:50:34 PM PDT by Dallas59
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To: Flyer; humblegunner; Allegra; TheMom; Xenalyte; thackney; Eaker; stevie_d_64; TXBSAFH; ...

Electrifying Undies Research Ping


5 posted on 07/02/2006 10:57:41 PM PDT by pax_et_bonum (Whatever happened to Cynthia McKinney?)
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To: Dallas59
I am still puzzled. Should I only use my cell phone near women with no panties on? The numbers show that I will be safer from a lightning strike by using my phone around a woman that will report me to the authorities. Yet there is the outside chance that if I use my cell phone near a woman with panties on; that she will take them off. A conundrum.
6 posted on 07/02/2006 10:59:18 PM PDT by ARealMothersSonForever (Political troglodyte with a partisan axe to grind)
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To: pax_et_bonum

You're up awfully late! ;-)


7 posted on 07/02/2006 11:10:53 PM PDT by Allegra (A Journey of 1,000 Miles Begins with A Bunch of Security Hassles at the Airport)
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To: Allegra; pax_et_bonum
She has Flyer Syndrome.
8 posted on 07/02/2006 11:15:05 PM PDT by Flyer (Don't question the questioner)
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To: pax_et_bonum
"with the recently proven theories that lighting strikes can be conclusively demonstrated to be directly linked to underwear use."

This is the time to tell all!

Y'all post pics of yer types and uses!

(im 'bout ta get banned)

9 posted on 07/02/2006 11:15:25 PM PDT by NYTexan
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To: NYTexan; pax_et_bonum; Flyer
Y'all post pics of yer types and uses!

Well, I would, but I'd have a hard time finding a photographer who can remain completely objective.

As far as use...errrrr....I use 'em to wear under my clothes.

I'd be curious as to what other uses there are. Anybody want to shed some light on this? ;-)

10 posted on 07/02/2006 11:21:44 PM PDT by Allegra (A Journey of 1,000 Miles Begins with A Bunch of Security Hassles at the Airport)
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To: Allegra
I'd be curious as to what other uses there are. Anybody want to shed some light on this?

I can not let down a fellow Texan:

Image Hosted by The Image Hosting

11 posted on 07/02/2006 11:37:56 PM PDT by ARealMothersSonForever (Political troglodyte with a partisan axe to grind)
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To: pickrell

Sounds like a job for MythBusters.


12 posted on 07/02/2006 11:51:38 PM PDT by Question Liberal Authority (Now that Zarqawi is dead, who will the Democrats nominate in 2008?)
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To: Allegra
Well, I would, but I'd have a hard time finding a photographer who can remain completely objective.

Not gonna go there, nope, not gonna do it.

13 posted on 07/03/2006 12:27:09 AM PDT by NYTexan
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To: NYTexan

You wise magic!


14 posted on 07/03/2006 12:41:03 AM PDT by Allegra (A Journey of 1,000 Miles Begins with A Bunch of Security Hassles at the Airport)
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To: ARealMothersSonForever
"...I am still puzzled..."

It clears up a bit, when you read the transcription of a recent conversation at the Democratic National Headquarters. A microphone was apparently left on accidentally.

"So, I don't understand, Senator Clinton. How do we benefit from this?"

"Well, it's simple, my dear Senator Kennedy. As the summer progresses, if no one is killed by lightning, we laud ourselves for our effective action in the next round of FEMA checks. But if someone is killed, we denounce the Republicans for their indifference to human life. Put the drink down and think about it. We stampede FEMA with a media blitz, to send $ 500.00 checks to all potential victims of cell phone strikes!"

"But... that will put money in the enemies' hands also."

"Nonsense, Ms. Pelosi. We simply draw up the list of beneficiaries from those persons proven to own a cell phone."

"But... don't Republicans-"

"Nancy, try to focus here. We have records of all those people who called our campaign headquarters to donate. These are all proven cell phone owners!. And, we can say, let's see- 'We took the politics out of the largesse, by also including those who called our donation line and didn't donate!' Chris Mathhews will swallow it! And we'll say that the money is to buy each cell user a small red wagon to put the cell phone in and pull behind them in case lightning threatens."

"But... but... what if they are pulling the wagon and get struck anyway?"

"Don't be such a constant ditz, Nancy. What idiot would use free Federal money to buy a wagon? It's win-win!"

"Well, I don't know-"

"Shut up, Ted. You haven't been on the wagon for decades..."

So, you see, FEMA needs to once again establish that the media cares, and is looking out for YOU...

15 posted on 07/03/2006 6:47:34 AM PDT by pickrell (Old dog, new trick...sort of)
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To: Allegra
Well, I would, but I'd have a hard time finding a photographer who can remain completely objective.

Well, what else would we expect from the Tigress of the Tigris?

;-)

16 posted on 07/03/2006 9:09:48 AM PDT by pax_et_bonum (Whatever happened to Cynthia McKinney?)
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