Posted on 09/15/2006 2:12:28 AM PDT by sully777
Checking in for a another wonderful, wacky week of Friday silliness!
Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.
"Not on her best day." Hank replied.
"Does she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke."
"Well then, is it sex?"
"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what is it? What can she do for you that I can't?"
"She can sue me for child support."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
found on pookies toons....
http://marklevinfan.com/DNCThemeSong.swf
I'm considering a second career in writing children's books. This is my first composition, "Furious George"
This is George.
George was an angry little monkey, always getting mad at things he should ignore, always quick to blame other people for things he did himself, and always very furious.
George lived with the man with the yellow pills, who he also called the man with the yellow hat. The yellow pills made George calm and almost okay to live with.
One day George and the man with the yellow hat went out for a drive in the country. George wanted to drive the little blue car but the man with the yellow hat said "George, that's not safe. You don't know how to drive. Remember the time you stole the police car and ran over all those people at the bus stop because you thought they were looking at you?"
George didn't like being reminded of that story. He had to go talk to a judge because of it and the judge made George take the yellow pills that made him sleepy.
George got mad when the man with the yellow hat said that to him so he ripped off the man's hat and threw it in the creek by the side of the road. For the rest of the day, George called him "The man without the yellow hat."
Today was a nice day to be outside and George decided he would build a tree house. George wasn't very good at building things, but somehow, he decided this would be the best tree house ever.
George asked the man with the yellow hat if he'd give him a ride to the lumberyard, but the man said "No, George, the car won't work because someone put sugar in the gas tank. Do you know who put sugar in the gas tank, George?" George said he didn't know, but really he did. George put sugar in the man with the yellow hat's gas tank on account of he believed the man had stolen the prize out of his cereal box. Later, he remembered that he dug the prize out as soon as he opened the box and soon thereafter broke it.
George walked to the lumberyard and stole some pieces of wood. He distracted the men who worked there by starting a fire at one end of the yard and when they ran to put it out, George stole some of what he needed. He'd need to start many more fires to get all the wood the tree house called for, but that was to worry about another day.
When George got back home, he started to look for his tools. He needed a saw, a hammer, a level and a door plumb. He looked in the man with the yellow hat's toolbox, but couldn't find the saw. Then, George remembered he'd left it outside the week before when he was making a soapbox derby racecar that he never even came close to finishing.
The man with the yellow hat had warned him to bring all the tools back in, but clearly he didn't warn him well enough. This was everybody's fault but his own thought George. The saw was stiff and rusty and was coming loose from the handle.
George knew he needed to get a new saw. George knew he'd have to buy it, which required money, yet one other thing George didn't have. But George did know where to get some. He opened the kitchen drawer and took out the envelope that said "RENT MONEY, DO NOT TOUCH" and took out a handful of twenties. That should be enough to buy the best saw in the world and enough ice cream to make him throw up in the gutter several times over.
George walked to the hardware store and cracked the front door open; he waved the money and then walked in. George had been told not to come back unless he had money because one time he ate a bag full of wing nuts and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance.
George looked all over the store for a saw, high and low, there and here, but couldn't find anything. George was terrible at looking for things because he didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing and his mind often wandered. Still, George was getting angry. In fact, he was getting one of those headaches he got right before he had "an episode" in which he broke all sorts of things and did terrible things that he didn't remember.
George wanted someone at the hardware store to help him, but one of the workers there was already helping another customer and the other guy was making keys for someone.
Then, George saw an old man who looked like he probably worked there. If George had looked a little closer, he'd have seen that the man was really just there to buy a drain snake, but George didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing.
George became very angry that the old man wasn't coming over to help him. George became so angry that he picked up a hammer and threw it at the man, hitting him on the back of the head. At that point, everything went kind of crazy in George's mind, but from what he could piece together, somehow, everything got twisted around and George was blamed for throwing the hammer and he had to run home while the employees and customers from the hardware store chased him along with the police and the jerks from Animal Control.
George spent the rest of the day hiding under the sofa, watching Animal Planet. He never did get that saw, the loads and loads of ice cream, or to build the tree house. George did hide the money he stole from the rent envelope though.
THE END.
I looked up synonyms for "diet" in my thesaurus, and found myself at words for a loss.
Life is cool. But sucks when you die.
A new car has been designed especially for the Los Angeles rush hour....
It's called a stationary wagon.
Oh no! My karma has just run over my dogma!
A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.
My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.
I just bought a new vacuum for the wife, but she must hate it.
She says it really sucks.
And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum...
They said he had too many hang-ups.
Taco Bell Patron: What would you say if I called you a brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era gratefully forgotten?
John Spartan: I don't know... thanks?
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