Life is meant to be lived.
Posted on 09/15/2006 2:12:28 AM PDT by sully777
Here! Here!
Long Live Life !!
21 And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.
22 And God's anger was kindled because he went: and the angel of the LORD stood in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants were with him.
23 And the ass saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way.
24 But the angel of the LORD stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side.
25 And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam's foot against the wall: and he smote her again.
26 And the angel of the LORD went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left.
27 And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.
28 And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?
29 And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
30 And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.
31 Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face.
Wrong thread.
THE HOT WATER HEATER
For many years I have grown used to sleeping inside and eating regular. After a recent experience, I have to add hot water to that list.
See, my hot water heater went out about 2 weeks ago. It was a great hot water heater. It had a 15-year warranty, so 15 years, 1 month, and 4 days, it finally rusted through.
The bishop across the street promised that he can get me a good price on a new one. I wait, and wait, and wait for him to come up with the good price.
After being in Viet Nam many years ago, I promised that I would never take a cold shower again. I told my wife at that time that there were four things I wanted when I came home. Today, (and considering the audience) I will not discuss one of them, but the other three were, a hot bath, a cigar, and a Playboy magazine, all at the same time. You can see how passionate I was about the cold showers.
Anyway, I tried to take a bath by heating up water on the stove and carrying it to the tub. That didn’t work very well, because by the time I got to the fourth pan of water, the others had cooled. off. So now, I decide to just wash in the kitchen instead of the tub. So I warm water on my stove, and wash really well in the kitchen.
My poor dog doesn’t understand why I’m standing naked, in the kitchen, and washing too. She has never understood the whole principal of taking showers, anyway. I can see it in her eyes. I take off my clothes (she wonders how I can take off my outer covering, and she can not take off her fur) and climb into the shower, purposefully getting wet. It is a concept that is completely foreign to her. Almost daily, I remind her that if she had opposable thumbs like humans do, she could do a lot of things.
The Bishop had forgotten he was going to check on the price, so I reminded him.
The Bishop picked it up for me, put it into the back of his truck, and delivered it. This thing must weigh 125 pounds. We lift it out of the truck and put it in the front yard until I can get the old one out.
We disconnect the pipes from the old one, and with much grunting and heaving, get it to the top of the stairs and eventually, outside. After I got it outside, I decided to empty it of all the water. The Bishop, at that point, reminded me that it would have been 350 pounds lighter if I had drained it before we carried it up the stairs.
I won’t go into installing the heater, because it was pretty much straight forward. A couple of pipes were cut, fittings were used, and it popped right in.
Got the heater in and fired up. It is making hot water, I can see that. Flames under the heater; big, warm flames. Now I’m anxious to take a shower. I go upstairs, take off all my clothes, sit at the computer buck naked, decide to check my e-mail, then get to the shower. I had forgotten something.
Water in my hometown comes direct from the mountains. It is cold, just a few degrees above freezing. At times I think ice cubes come out of the tap, it is that cold. I had no concept how long it takes 50 gallons of really cold water to warm up to something that might pass for a showering temperature.
Here I am, sitting naked at the computer, checking my e-mail, and checking the water coming out of the tap every 5 minutes, for two and one half-hours, waiting.
I decided to go down stairs and check that the water heater is working. It is going great guns. Spot my old racing helmet and decided to take it up stairs, but my hands were full, so I put the helmet on my head. I’m going up the stairs as the Bishop comes into the house, wanting to check my progress. He takes one look at me, naked, wearing a racing helmet, and says “having an exciting weekend, Bob?”
Now I have hot water, I have caught up on my showers, and don’t have to go through this again for another 15 years, 1 month and 4 days. That is August 7, 2021, I have marked my calendar.
(top 20)
-Eric
"I feel silly, oh so silly,..."
Top o' the morning...
Checking in for a another wonderful, wacky week of Friday silliness!
Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.
"Not on her best day." Hank replied.
"Does she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke."
"Well then, is it sex?"
"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what is it? What can she do for you that I can't?"
"She can sue me for child support."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
found on pookies toons....
http://marklevinfan.com/DNCThemeSong.swf
I'm considering a second career in writing children's books. This is my first composition, "Furious George"
This is George.
George was an angry little monkey, always getting mad at things he should ignore, always quick to blame other people for things he did himself, and always very furious.
George lived with the man with the yellow pills, who he also called the man with the yellow hat. The yellow pills made George calm and almost okay to live with.
One day George and the man with the yellow hat went out for a drive in the country. George wanted to drive the little blue car but the man with the yellow hat said "George, that's not safe. You don't know how to drive. Remember the time you stole the police car and ran over all those people at the bus stop because you thought they were looking at you?"
George didn't like being reminded of that story. He had to go talk to a judge because of it and the judge made George take the yellow pills that made him sleepy.
George got mad when the man with the yellow hat said that to him so he ripped off the man's hat and threw it in the creek by the side of the road. For the rest of the day, George called him "The man without the yellow hat."
Today was a nice day to be outside and George decided he would build a tree house. George wasn't very good at building things, but somehow, he decided this would be the best tree house ever.
George asked the man with the yellow hat if he'd give him a ride to the lumberyard, but the man said "No, George, the car won't work because someone put sugar in the gas tank. Do you know who put sugar in the gas tank, George?" George said he didn't know, but really he did. George put sugar in the man with the yellow hat's gas tank on account of he believed the man had stolen the prize out of his cereal box. Later, he remembered that he dug the prize out as soon as he opened the box and soon thereafter broke it.
George walked to the lumberyard and stole some pieces of wood. He distracted the men who worked there by starting a fire at one end of the yard and when they ran to put it out, George stole some of what he needed. He'd need to start many more fires to get all the wood the tree house called for, but that was to worry about another day.
When George got back home, he started to look for his tools. He needed a saw, a hammer, a level and a door plumb. He looked in the man with the yellow hat's toolbox, but couldn't find the saw. Then, George remembered he'd left it outside the week before when he was making a soapbox derby racecar that he never even came close to finishing.
The man with the yellow hat had warned him to bring all the tools back in, but clearly he didn't warn him well enough. This was everybody's fault but his own thought George. The saw was stiff and rusty and was coming loose from the handle.
George knew he needed to get a new saw. George knew he'd have to buy it, which required money, yet one other thing George didn't have. But George did know where to get some. He opened the kitchen drawer and took out the envelope that said "RENT MONEY, DO NOT TOUCH" and took out a handful of twenties. That should be enough to buy the best saw in the world and enough ice cream to make him throw up in the gutter several times over.
George walked to the hardware store and cracked the front door open; he waved the money and then walked in. George had been told not to come back unless he had money because one time he ate a bag full of wing nuts and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance.
George looked all over the store for a saw, high and low, there and here, but couldn't find anything. George was terrible at looking for things because he didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing and his mind often wandered. Still, George was getting angry. In fact, he was getting one of those headaches he got right before he had "an episode" in which he broke all sorts of things and did terrible things that he didn't remember.
George wanted someone at the hardware store to help him, but one of the workers there was already helping another customer and the other guy was making keys for someone.
Then, George saw an old man who looked like he probably worked there. If George had looked a little closer, he'd have seen that the man was really just there to buy a drain snake, but George didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing.
George became very angry that the old man wasn't coming over to help him. George became so angry that he picked up a hammer and threw it at the man, hitting him on the back of the head. At that point, everything went kind of crazy in George's mind, but from what he could piece together, somehow, everything got twisted around and George was blamed for throwing the hammer and he had to run home while the employees and customers from the hardware store chased him along with the police and the jerks from Animal Control.
George spent the rest of the day hiding under the sofa, watching Animal Planet. He never did get that saw, the loads and loads of ice cream, or to build the tree house. George did hide the money he stole from the rent envelope though.
THE END.
I looked up synonyms for "diet" in my thesaurus, and found myself at words for a loss.
Life is cool. But sucks when you die.
A new car has been designed especially for the Los Angeles rush hour....
It's called a stationary wagon.
Oh no! My karma has just run over my dogma!
A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.
My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.
I just bought a new vacuum for the wife, but she must hate it.
She says it really sucks.
And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum...
They said he had too many hang-ups.
Taco Bell Patron: What would you say if I called you a brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era gratefully forgotten?
John Spartan: I don't know... thanks?
Edgar Friendly:
'You see, according to Cocteau's plan I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?"
'I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section.
'I want to run through the streets naked with green jello all over my body reading playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal?
'I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener". '
Love it!
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