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GYEONGJU — Trade negotiations between the U.S. and China reached a much-needed breakthrough on Thursday, as Chinese President Xi Jinping agreed to drop all tariffs after President Donald Trump showed him how to use chopsticks to become a walrus. The two heads of state came face-to-face at a high-stakes summit in South Korea to iron out the ongoing friction between the world's two largest economic powers. Insiders said the conversation remained tense until Trump showed Xi that he could turn himself into a walrus by using chopsticks as tusks. "It's a great trick, everyone says so," Trump was overheard telling...

Summary: The video shows an interaction between an Arkansas Highway Police officer and a truck driver who was illegally parked and found mostly naked in his truck (0:00-0:04). The officer attempts to question the driver, who struggles to understand and speak English (0:25-0:51). The officer then asks the driver to put on clothes and tries to get information about his log book and company (0:56-1:50). The video highlights the driver's inability to comprehend basic English commands and traffic signs (2:40-9:54). Despite possessing a driver's license, he cannot read or explain the meaning of signs like "trucks must enter weigh station,"...

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A message from Zohran Mamdani to the Jewish community of New York City X video

https://babylonbee.com/news/aoc-tells-mom-giving-birth-to-get-a-real-job BRONX, NY — According to witnesses at the scene, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst into a birthing suite at local Montefiore Hospital to tell off a woman in labor that she should get a real job. "All you do is lay around," Ocasio-Cortez reportedly said, admonishing a woman actively in labor. "I would like to challenge you to get a real job and contribute to society." Doctors described the scene as odd. "This angry Latina came in and started making all sorts of demands of the patient. I'm not even sure they knew each other," Dr. Karen Ross said. "It...

U.S. — The American Medical Association announced the long battle with American obesity had finally come to an end thanks to EBT benefits running out amidst the ongoing government shut down. "The government being shut down is the best thing that could ever have happened to the health of the American people," said Dr. Anton Scout, a pediatrician and AMA board member. "People can't afford to get fat anymore." EBT benefits are designed to assist lower-income families with basic needs like buying soda, paying for the Internet, and going to zoos. The program has long been criticized for encouraging emotional...

ARLINGTON, VA — As the government shut-down drags on, furloughed TSA agents have begun going door-to-door offering to grope people for free. Despite no longer being paid, TSA agents have voluntarily walked the streets to keep patting people down with their little blue goves. "I've been knocking doors all over Arlington for the last few days, just hoping to frisk someone," said Brayden Sharmer, a TSA agent. "I also offer to shout at people to take their shoes off, then belittle them for not knowing that you don't have to take your shoes off. It's a calling." Several TSA agents...

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https://babylonbee.com/news/due-to-depleted-bullpen-jason-bateman-to-start-game-4-for-dodgersLOS ANGELES, CA — After Monday night's epic 18-inning marathon Game 3 severely depleted their bullpen, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced that actor Jason Bateman would take the mound for the team in Game 4. Though superstar Shohei Ohtani had initially been scheduled to pitch, last night's extra-long game led the club to rethink its strategy heading into Tuesday night's game, instead signing the Arrested Development star and lifelong Dodgers fan to make the start. "We just didn't have anyone else who could do it," said Dodgers Manager Dave Roberts. "We were going to send Shohei out there, but he's...

https://babylonbee.com/news/phil-vischer-releases-new-veggietales-episode-with-evil-orange-character-who-deports-mr-luntU.S. — Real-world current events spilled over into children's entertainment once again, as VeggieTales released a new episode with an evil orange character who deports Mr. Lunt. The episode, titled "Man, Orange Bad," depicts the VeggieTales world being thrown into chaos after the newly elected President Orange enacts aggressive immigration policies that result in the longtime character Mr. Lunt being detained and deported back to his home country. "It's like a part of the fabric of the community has been uprooted," says Bob the Tomato in the episode. "We had no idea, but Mr. Lunt, as it turns out, has...

New York City’s mayoral election seems to have only reinforced John Rocker’s feelings about the Big Apple. The former Braves relief pitcher took to X on Tuesday to voice his opinion on the state of the race in which democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani is favored to win. Rocker, who made headlines with his incendiary comments about New York during an interview for a Sports Illustrated feature in 1999, once again expressed his dislike of the city. “25 years ago I criticized New York for it’s rapid decline into a third world country,” Rocker started his post. “I was forced to...

https://babylonbee.com/news/newsom-continues-to-endanger-public-by-issuing-drivers-licenses-to-womenSACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom has doubled down on California's commitment to endangering public safety by issuing driver's licenses to women. No longer content with issuing commercial licenses to unqualified illegal immigrants who don't speak English, Newsom reportedly decided to escalate matters by issuing licenses to the female population as well. "What do you want to do, gatekeep driving?" Newsom asked during a press conference. "I promise that, as long as I'm governor, California will always uphold a woman's right to bend as many fenders, curb as many tires, and smash as many side-view mirrors as she darn well wants....

Here’s to the lads in Westminster, may they drink their Guinness through a straw! 0:05 Hurrah! To the wise men of Ottawa, Canberra, and 0:09 Paris — may they choke on their virtue-signalling! Hurrah! 0:14 And to the clowns in Madrid, Ankara, and Dublin — may their speeches sink in the swamp of their 0:21 own lies! Hurrah! .....

https://babylonbee.com/news/bad-luck-trump-says-the-missing-epstein-files-were-in-the-east-wing-and-have-now-been-destroyedWASHINGTON, D.C. — The Jeffrey Epstein case is now formally closed following an announcement by President Donald Trump that all the missing Epstein files were in the East Wing of the White House and have now been destroyed. "You know, I never go to the East Wing, but I guess that's where all the Epstein files were. Even the client list, if you can believe it. They said there was no client list, but I guess it was in the East Wing the whole time. Who knew?" Trump told reporters Monday morning. "There were a lot of files. A lot...

https://babylonbee.com/news/heartbreaking-terrorist-shares-how-he-got-dirty-looks-while-boarding-subway-in-bulletproof-vest-after-911 NEW YORK CITY, NY — Local terrorist Muhammad Mohammed al Muhammad shared a heart-wrenching story about how he got dirty looks while boarding the subway in a bulletproof vest after 9/11. "There I was minding my own business, when I got the nastiest looks," Muhammad said, holding back tears. "I wasn't doing anything special — just wearing a suicide vest and holding an AK-47 — but people gave me such hateful looks. They were judging me because I was Muslim." Though Muhammad admitted he was a terrorist and was about to kill hundreds of people, he said it was...

https://babylonbee.com/news/rand-paul-heroically-dives-in-front-of-hellfire-missile-before-it-can-hit-venezuelan-drug-boat WORLD — Senator Rand Paul died tragically on Monday after heroically diving in front of an AGM-114 Hellfire missile fired by an MQ-1 Predator Drone before it could strike a Venezuelan drug boat. According to sources, the U.S. Air Force was tracking a suspected Venezuelan drug shipment over international waters when it received explicit authorization from the president to take it out. But just before the missile could make contact with the drug boat, a man later identified as the senator from Kentucky somehow leaped hundreds of feet through the air, putting his body between a Hellfire missile and...

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-invites-mario--sonic-to-white-house-to-strike-historic-peace-dealWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has just announced an invitation for Mario and Sonic to come to the White House and broker a historic peace deal. In yet another win for world peace, the two arch-rivals are expected to walk away from the negotiating table with a historic, ground-breaking settlement for both sides, thanks to Trump's negotiation skills. "This will be the easiest peace deal to broker, maybe ever," Trump told reporters. "I'll just get Mario and Sonic in a room together, maybe play some Olympic games together or something. Trust me, it's a total slam dunk. My predecessors have...

GameStop responded with an edited image of President Donald Trump shaking hands with Spartan-117 aka "Master Chief," the main character of the Halo franchise. The White House, this week, jokingly added the "Console Wars" to the list of conflicts ended under the Trump administration after retailer GameStop declared a formal end to the 20-year competition between Sony and Microsoft."NUMBER 9: President Trump presides over the end of the 20-year Console Wars," the RapidResponse47 account posted in response to GameStop. The retailer cited the planned 2026 debut of Halo: Campaign Evolved on PlayStation with cross-platform play as its motivation for...

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U.S. — After word that Kamala Harris had not ruled out another Presidential run, Republicans have generously donated $50 million to her 2028 campaign. The donors stated that there simply was no one else that they would rather see representing the Democratic party. "We love what Kamala brings to the table," said Republican donor Jerry Gondolin. "She has everything we want in a Democratic candidate. Honestly, I can't think of anyone better to give our money to. At least, not since Joe Biden is unavailable." The Republican National Committee has also announced a matching donation up to $500 million for...