This went on for years, each day the man storming down to the bank and yelling his threat across creek. One day the government pushed through a road and bridged the creek about a quarter of a mile upstream from the man's house. But that didn't change his routine. Each morning he would still go down to the creek and yell, "Clarence! One of these days I'm gonna come over there and kick your ass!"
Finally his wife had had enough. After years of listening to him, she pointed out that now he had a way across the creek and could now go over there and do what he'd been threatening. In a huff, the man agreed and stormed off down the road towards the bridge. About ten minutes later the man returned, much subdued. Did he kick Clarence's ass, she asked? To which the may replied, "No." "Why not," his wife asked, "You've been threateing to to for years?" "Well, " the man said, "I set out to. Then as I was acrossing that thar bridge I looked up and saw a sign that said 'Clearance 14 feet 5 inches.' I never imagined the sumbitch was so tall."
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern
small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, woman to the
stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I’ve known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a
big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think
you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to
realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across
the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defense attorney? “ She
again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley
since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He
can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know
him.”
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both
counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I’ll send you to the
electric chair.”
A young hillbilly boy comes home, all excited and full of news. "Pa! Pa! Betty Lou and I are a gittin' married?"
Pa is happy to hear that and asks the boy,"Son, tell me a little 'bout the girl"
"Oh she's wonderful, Pa. And guess what? She's a virgin too!"
"What!!!", exclaims Pa. "You ain't marryin' the girl. If'n she ain't good enough for her kin, she ain't good 'nuff for our'n!"