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South Brevard Barbies
Passed along by an FIT student

Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Melbourne/Palm Bay area market:

Palm Bay Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light, and a Hank Williams-Jr. CD set.

She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's tail when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

Suntree/Viera Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit and cookie cutter house available.

West Melbourne Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Palm Bay Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner covered in a sparkly pink.

Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Chevy Corsica.

Between the Causeways Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped-up Hummer 2. Accessories included are her own platinum credit card, a country club membership, and a map to find her way to the beach. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

US-1 Barbie: This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop -- then we don't know what you're talking about.

Riverside Drive Barbie: This Barbie is the most expensive, due to her extravagant outfit: A full-length Mink coat and 5 carat diamond ring, Prada shoes and Versace pantsuits.

This Barbie also has a blank stare and is nicknamed Botox Barbie. Riverside Drive Barbie drives a chrome accented Mercedes SUV that has never seen a dirt road. Riverside Drive Ken also comes with Prada outfit and is sold with a snifter glass of brandy, a Cuban cigar, and a 48-foot Hatteras Sport Fisherman.

Historic Downtown Melbourne Barbie: Attire includes: low-waist jeans, too long with rips along the cuffs, a T-shirt 2-sizes-too-small, purchased in the little boy's section of the thrift store, flip-flops & horn-rimmed glasses. Hair is cut asymmetrically & dyed dark burgundy. This Barbie is pierced & tattooed & instead of a car comes with a Vespa scooter, which is all you need to get around downtown to and from The Sun Shoppe.

Ohio Transplant Barbie: This Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (with Ohio plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, tons of makeup, and really big hair.

Carnivore Ken sold separately. This Barbie is the same model as the Suntree/Viera Barbie of Barbie that was released in 1986. But now she comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut.

Ichabod's Barbie: This average looking, cigarette smoking, bleached-blonde Barbie comes with sandals, white capri pants, and a red spaghetti strap half shirt to show off her belly button ring and lower back tat.

This Barbie comes with a Ford Mustang GT, a cell phone with an assortment of annoying ring-tones, as well as a night bag. She also comes with three "good-guy engineer" dolls to match the local gender statistics. Additional options include the "skip the line" pass for City Tropics Bistro and the "get out of the DUI free" card.