Posted on 01/25/2008 5:16:36 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didnt drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties!
I feel sorry for people who dont drink. When they wake up in the morning, thats as good as theyre going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, lets all get drunk and go to heaven!
Brian ORourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some! It¢s a six-pack; to me its a Support Group Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Calvin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Heres how it went:
Well ya see, Norm, its like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. Thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
“Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”
His wife is lying in bed and replies: “I think you’ll find that’s a
sheep, you idiot.”
The man says: “I think you’ll find that I wasn’t talking to you.”
Draft 60 Year Olds...
New Direction for the war on terrorists. Send Prior Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists.
(You can’t be older than 42 to join the military.)
They’ve got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight,
they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until
you’re at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only
think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional
seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry!” We
are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, “I’m
tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing
some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them.
In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and
yelled at and we like soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns.
We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from
the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and
didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever
do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now,
“Get down and give me ... er .. one.”
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I’ve never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave,
to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out
that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on
September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple
of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know
that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.
Share this with your senior friends. It’s purposely in big type so you can read it.
Now you terrorists pipe down. Don't make me have to come down there!
!
At least he's not a heavy thinker.
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