Replies

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not
sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw th e look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting s***-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 30 0 lb. woman
is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve l ost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the
4- inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report