She kicks babies and drowns puppies.
She doesn’t make more coffee when the pot is empty.
And I hear she’s been known to speed up when she sees old ladies crossing the street.
Nancy Pelosi will erase your hard drive. Not the data, but your actual hard drive! Not only that, but she will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. She will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. She will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
She will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. She will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. She will drink all your beer and leave her socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. She will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Nancy Pelosi will make you fall in love with a penguin. She will give you nightmares about circus midgets. She will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
She will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Nancy Pelosi, she reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
She moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. She will kick your dog. She will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! She is insidious and subtle. She is dangerous and terrifying to behold. She is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Nancy Pelosi will give you Dutch Elm disease. She will leave the toilet seat up. She will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while she goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
She is determined to elevate all that is profane and destroy all that is worthy. And she's coming for YOU!