get a hold of their local DSS office and have their County nurse check on them now and again till somebody gets there, it's free. Prayers up.
Posted on 09/11/2008 5:57:00 PM PDT by yankeedame
Hello,
My husband and I are suddenly faced w/ a crisis re: his father that has gone from bad to worse. Here are the facts:
This is where things stand as I write this. Neither my husband (God love him) nor his siblings are what you would call take-charge...but now they-- or a least one of them!-- needs to take charge. But nobody knows what to do re: Merle...and my m-i-l.
Needless to say, there's a LOT more to the circumstances than this but hopefully it's enough to give you a rough idea.
I would grateful, most grateful for any advise you could give, or relate experience(s) you have had. My husband want to go out there but,frankly, he hasn't a clue as to what to do.
Between us, neither my husband nor his siblings have ever done anything, or made any plans for this -- nor have my in-laws prepared them in anywhere (i.e. if there is a will, were it would be, insurance papers, etc.etc.)-- I guess on the secret hope that if one doesn't think about it it won't happen.
Thank you all so much!
--YD
(My own mother had everything laid out in apple pie order and walked me & my brother through it. That being the case I don't know what to advice my husband about this mess.)
((((yankeedame))))
I don’t know how to advise you. I do know how to pray for you. Prayers are ascending and I will put you on my prayer list.
Speak to his doctor first. Find out if you’re dealing with alzheimers or what. If he hasn’t been to the doctor, take him. Doctor will have suggestions. Maybe home health, daycare, med revision depending on diagnosis. That’s my suggestion. God bless!
I suggest a member of the family go out there and speak to his doctor and attorney.
Your husband should plan on being with his father within the week.
And he should make a visit with his fathers doctor.
I can almost promise you there are medication problems.
Either too much meds or not enough. There are a thousand things to do, but taking stock of the medical concerns is a MUST!
God Bless you all.
If he has a doctor, call the doctor and ask if there is a local hospice. If so, ask the doctor to have one of their staff evaluate your father in law. Medicare recognizes Alzheimers and Dementias. Your father in law’s condition would have to meet the criteria established for those in order to be admitted to a hospice. Hospice could then offer suggestions, etc to your family. A person only has to have a life limiting illness with an expected prognosis of six months but that doesn’t mean that services would end at six months as long as he continues qualified. Once a person reaches 7 on the Dementia scale, they may remain on hospice as long as needed.
That means you have few options: 1. Hire someone to stay with him in his home or get a family member to do it.
2. Get him to move in with a family member with consideration for what to do with his home.
3. Put him in either an assisted care facility or nursing home.
It doesn't sound like it is safe for him to be alone any more. The best option, if you can afford it and if he is cognizant enough to know where he is would be try to find a way where he can stay in his home and familiar surroundings, but that isn't always possible.
We've had to deal with this in my family and were able to care for the relative in her home.
Here is where it pays to have taken out an extended care policy on your insurance when you are younger. The rates have now skyrocketed for that, but part of the coverage is assisted care in your home.
Prayers up for your family during this time. Contact your local church for some info and contacts within your in-laws community. Try national council on aging, and as others have said get someone out there asap to meet with in-laws and their doctor(s).
You probably can't get them to go to a home if they are feeling independent. You could move there, but that would change many things for you and your husband.
Don't seek to have a living will made up, but seek to have your FIL and MIL make up a will. Possibly having you in-laws establish a person to be in charge of medical issues, though.
Usually, a reverse mortgage is a bad idea, but it could be helpful to get money out of your in-laws’ home to help with the care-related matters. It doesn't sound like your extended family wants to pitch in to pay for things up front.
My own family had to deal with a living will that wanted to take my grandmother off the respirators while there was still a chance things could change, but my mother had them ignore that with the medical power of attorney until things were more certain. With another family member, when her husband's health deteriorated faster than her own, the will he signed had his brother and SIL take care of them both, but then he died and this left things in an awkward position. Only in-laws are caring for our aunt, as they live very close, but they've hired people to come in to take care of things.
You have a lot of things to look into in a rather short amount of time. I hope the best for you and your family.
There is some good advice here, but you need to be aware that with the new privacy laws, his doctor cannot and will not talk with you without written permission from the father.
get a hold of their local DSS office and have their County nurse check on them now and again till somebody gets there, it's free. Prayers up.
If it is, talk with Adult Protective Services. See if they can arrange for a psychologist to interview him at his home, without his advance knowledge. If the psychologist finds him not to be competent, then you can pursue guardianship of him and his estate. That gives you the legal basis to control him and get him to live in an assisted living facility, if that is the best answer. These are the steps I have been forced to take with my elderly father, who is suffering from vascular dementia, but appears OK in a casual conversation.
Most counties have a visiting nurse service which might be free, so if you first get him to a doctor for evaluation, then if medicine is required and some nurse attention is necessary the doctor should be able to advise you of how to reach them. It may be a simple problem. His will and other such is probably in a safe deposit box.
This is a must have!
If decisions are made...hard choices, etc....this gives the sibling, siblings the authority to do what is needed.
1. his parents' conditions, physical & in the home...
2. talk to the dr. & get an assessment
3. get a hold on their financial arrangements and records.
4. find legal docs like Power of Attorneys for financial affairs and health care decisions. These should be "durable", i.e. ones that can be exercised when the person is incompetent.
These are best "in place" before any question of this competetence arises.
5. If your FIL is hospitalized, there should be a social worker at the hospital who can help you sort it all out.
This all takes time and lots of energy. I hope your husband gets some help not only from you, but the rest of the family.
Prayers....
Please do not call Hospice. It would NOT be appropriate at this time. Someone needs to go out there and see what is going on. No one else can do this appropriately but family.
On the family end.....try to involve as many family members as possible to help bear the load that is about to come everyone's way. Appoint a leader and sort out who is willing to do what. There will be a lifetime of "stuff" to go through so choose wisely.
Many prayers!!!!
Similar issues with us in California and my family in rural NY state. I learned that the County Office of the Aging there is very involved with elder issues. Maybe you can contact them. They can get you focused and let you know what types of things need to be done.
As another posted, the HIPAA laws now prohibit medical personnel to give info without the individual’s written consent. I’d get that first so when/if things become progressively worse, at least you can be informed.
Also, the belligerant actions and paranoia are what my FIL experience when Alzheimer’s was diagnosed. He was never Mr. Sweetness And Light, so the move from normal to Alzheimers wasn’t easy to spot.
Prayers...
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