| You Would Sell Out for $1,084,347 |
 |
| You Would Sell Out for $1,084,347 |
|
|
I’d sell out for less than you!
You Would Sell Out for $1,056,145
And not a penny less!
So....was it the spiders? Or the LSD at Thanksgiving?
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains ofAlaska .
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when heheard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helpless man, obviously a Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of obviously Republican loggers wearing “Go Sarah” shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck. The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”
“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”
“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”
| You Would Sell Out for $1,123,950 |
|
|
From an email today
_________________________________________________________
Ten Reasons Why I Voted Democrat
1. I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my horse.
2. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t.
3. I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
4. I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
5. I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq, I trust that the bad guys will stop what they’re doing because they now think we’re good people.
6. I voted Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.
7. I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don’t start driving a Prius.
8. I voted Democrat because I’m not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
9. I voted Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.
10. I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
Boobs vs. Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After50, they are like onions’.
‘ Onions??’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes -— dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.’
YOU GOTTA LOVE A GOOD NURSE!
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:
“Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week....”
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’
The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says Touchdown, tie score.’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally craps in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.
A Farmer in Love
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
“Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, laying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you
weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d
realize I was talking to the sheep.”
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the southern congressman. ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.
OK, ‘ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know crap?
I was so depressed last night thinking about
the economy, the wars, global warming, my
savings, Social Security, my credit card debt.
I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin’ call center in Pakistan. I told
them I was suicidal. They all got excited and
asked if I could drive a truck!
Top 100!
“Can you afford fries with that?” LOL.
