Posted on 07/08/2010 10:47:52 AM PDT by greatdefender
I have a drama queen tweener. She is also ADHD, and not adept at intuiting others’ intentions. She hates thinking things through, listening until I’m done with my point, and especially hates thinking before she speaks.
I have to spell out carefully what I mean, and insist that I get a respectful answer to the question asked. I am by nature extremely sarcastic and short-tempered, so I have to bite my tongue 1000 times a day and keep re-iterating to her and me that, in a family, we make a concerted effort to be kind to each other. We have many “do-overs”. Some days, I am completely worn out and frustrated. I think I should have just spanked her when she was little.
But then, I’ll hear her on the phone with a friend who is in a bad mood. Darned if she doesn’t put to use the lessons I’ve taught her! She really does count on me for a clue as to what to do.
Anyway, I think it’s not as important to “get it right” in asking tweeners or teens questions in a certain way. I think it’s more important to 1) convey love and genuine concern, 2) insist on respect 3) don’t give up. Just because one interaction went badly doesn’t mean it’s over. You didn’t give up on her walking, even after repeated stumbles. Keep trying.
It could easily have been written by both.
I agree.
A variation of the question, long employed by my cousin and his wife who are amazing parents to four kiddies, is "High/Low."
Starting when the kids were very young, at the end of every day, they were asked to name the "High" light and the "Low" point of the day. In their family they called it High/Low. It got the kids talking about what bothered them and kept them from dwelling only on the bad -- even a bad day has something to be happy about or grateful for.
I think so, too.
My cousin and his wife, amazing parents to four kiddies, employ an interesting open-ended variation of the question.
Starting when the kids were very young, at the end of every day, everyone in the family named the "High" light and the "Low" point of the day. They call it simply "High/Low." It gets the kids talking about what hurts or is bothering them and keeps them from dwelling only on the bad -- even a bad day has something to cheer, be happy about or grateful for.
Respect is the most important thing. If they think they are being heard, then they will come to you with more important things.
Just the other day, my mom was having a birthday party for my brother. We were all having a conversation and she missed the subject. She asked something silly and we realised that she wanted us to repeat what we said so that she could follow along.
We all laughed. My brother, and I are both hard of hearing. For ages, she had kept on us whenever we missed something by saying that we should listen better the first time.
We asked her to get her hearing aids on. She finally got the point. We’ve been waiting years for her to understand what we go through every day. Years.
We learned early on that the generic question, “How was your day?”, wouldn’t get us anywhere. Instead, each night, my husband would ask each kid in turn, “What’s one new thing you learned in school today?”. Worked every time, and led to some very interesting supper table discussions.
All kids rebel in one fashion or another, or are you suggesting that homeschooled kids do not?
I actually relish the fact that each of my 3 kids pushed their limits while living under my roof in order that I could establish and enforce the limits, leading to a strong and positive parental relationship with all 3.
or are you suggesting that homeschooled kids do not?
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Certainly they exist, but I have never met one provided they have been homeschooled from the beginning. If you check the Homeschool Legal Defense Association website they have links to research that show that homeschoolers have very few problems, and are socially and academically very well adjusted.
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