Posted on 06/13/2011 2:22:27 PM PDT by Daffynition
Hike through Utah, and the kids and I will join you on the way to Benderville. I hear Tork has a whole beef hanging around.
Perfect. I’ll bring along the briquets and some matches.
If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your
face, you need to get a sense of humor!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are
from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from
the East Coast.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look
HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I’m
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3— I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be
kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone.
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
#3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my stomach.
Chili # 8: Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
That works..but I don’t want to put my oven on...
Another big difference is the distance from the coals to the meat. BBQ has to be at least 30 inches from the coals. I also put my dry rub on the day before and let the meat in a cooler with some ice overnight.
Rub consists of the following mix:
1 cup salt
1/2 cup pepper
1/2 cup paprika
Mop sauce is another key. I use the following:
1 onion
One stick butter
16 oz bottle of Italian dressing
Vinegar
Worcestershire sauce
1 8 oz can beer
4 lemons
Chop one medium size onion into small pieces. Melt one stick butter in a medium size pot and fry onion until brown.
Pour Italian dressing into the mixture. Refill the bottle with vinegar and add. Fill the bottle to about 1/2 with Worcestershire sauce and fill with water and add. Cut lemons into half and squeeze into sauce. Pour beer into mixture. Bring to almost boiling.
Mop meat every 30 minutes after putting it on the fire. You will "stink up" the neighborhood, but will likely attract visitors.
Gates (KC, MO)!
NO! GREAT BBQ ONLY comes from(in this order):
KC, MO
Texas
N.C.
Memphis
What. Is. That!
I'm going to print out your method and recipe and try it!
Have you tried this on a beef ribs...or is this mostly a pork concoction? THX.
Our Old English Sheep dog is always next to the pit when we BBQ. I use that on everything from brisket to chicken. My wife really likes chicken hind quarters with that mix and mop sauce. Remember when you are cooking to listen for juices dripping and hitting the coals. We usually cook between 200º to 225º.
I have a 55 gallon barrel with a door cut in the bottom. The grate is about 6” from the top and the larger Weber grill lid fits perfectly. I happened to find one on the road someone must have lost while moving.
My neighbor has a 36” X 50” rock pit we use for large BBQ days. We’ve had three chickens, one Boston butt and two pork ribs on my barrel at one time.
Granted, brisket is king - but pork ribs, pork loin and pork butt are on the menu at most of them. We don’t generally do pulled pork, which I miss from living in DC and frequenting North Carolina.
Ping for later
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