Posted on 06/21/2012 10:45:05 AM PDT by servo1969
Many people, men and women do settle for less from what they originally tried or thought they could get...I was not just saying this happens to women only. I can't tell you how many guys I know who have scoffed at dating a 5/10 women in HS or college but are now engaged or married to them and are very happy.
When I say settle for less I'm not downgrading or belittling 5/10's as not being worthy or the person was lowering themsselves just to get married..what I am trying to say is these guys were 5/10 themselves and thought they could bag a 9/10 women and eventually came to the realization they had to "settle" within their own league. Does that make sense? That is what I mean by "settling"
Just an observation of my own: I've uniformly found those who are obsessed with the physical appearance of potential mates fair poorly in the long run.
I agree 100%.. the relationship should never be based on looks as first priority.
Google "married pastor having an affair"...if you are on 56k modem it might lock up your computer.
I don’t think you got what I was saying at all. I disputing the whole notion of their being 5’s and 10’s. Or that men and women are rateable on the scale like that.
On Leykis’ scale, I was probably a 2 or 3 when I met my wife. A foot shorter than the average man, balding in my mid 20’s, skinny, scarred, or in short just not a pretty boy. She would have rated much higher, taller than the average man, slender, blonde, blue eyed, toned etc etc. Leykis would say it is impossible, but neither one of us settled, we just met someone that we were really compatible with.
Compatibility doesn’t fit in neatly on a 1-10 scale, but compatibility is the nightmare to find, at least it was for me. It was always much easier to find a very attractive woman to sleep with than to find any woman at all I could actually relate to, or she me.
Now, that's funny...
I was making a somewhat facetious remark with a real underlying basis.
How many guys go to hookers. Do you think they are friends with the hookers they are porking?
How many guys pick up one night stands when they are young, before they get married. Do you think they are friends with those never to be seen again one night stands?
Do you get the point I was trying to make?
I’m sorry to hear you can not have attractive female friends.
Call us weird, or whatever, but neither my husband, nor I, nor the vast majority of our friends have any problems when it comes to this issue.
Before I “retired” I worked in a male dominated field and 6 months out of the year my work involved cocktail parties, dinners and not being home until 1 in the morning 3 nights of the week. That doesn’t include fairly regular overnight, out of town travel and annual week long conferences. I was friendly with the majority of the wives of the men I regularly dealt with and we often sat and chuckled about the wives who freaked out about the single women (and even married women) who were around their husbands. I was engaged at the time, and so stayed with the wives I chuckled with in social settings because of those other women who actually considered me a threat to their marriage - when not a one of their husbands had ever made so much as a pass at me.
I do agreement with you about women in combat roles - we don’t belong there. PERIOD.
Of course I watched the video, I wouldn’t be commenting if I hadn’t - and as I said they are all 30 years younger than I am.
My husband just asked me what I was doing and I read him the title - he spit gatorade across the room. As I said, we both have friends of the opposite sex not because of sex, but because of shared interests.
As to daughters - well of course daddy is going to take a different attitude about his daughter, his wife is a grown woman. Our daughter is going to be 14 in less than 2 weeks and I am not out of line when I say she is very attractive. Of course he is going to have his antennae out when it comes to her - he was once a teenage boy as well.
Couldn’t agree more!
“He that thinketh he knows a thing knows nothing as he ought” always liked that quote I sort of turned it into “He who trusteth himself too much trusts a fool” - that’s just for my own benefit mind you.
Blessings
Mel
#58
I appreciate your post.
I guess the question as it is stated is open to too much interpretation.
Can a man and women be just friends?
Well, which men and women?
Also, define the term ‘friends.’
To me the film clip here implied straight, younger than middle aged, sexually active adults - at least one of whom find the other attractive.
‘Friends” I took to mean someone you only think of in the manner you would one of your same-sex friends. You would no more think of this person sexually than you would your sister or brother.
I guess that’s a lot to assume, but that’s what has been in my head.
I agree, though. Things are different as you age and mature. So I suppose I’ve really been thinking of people in their 20s, 30s and 40s.
So sorry that has been your experience - it hasn't been mine.
I’m not saying that no professing Christians messed up in this regard. I’m just saying that it’s possible for some Christians to be friends with the opposite sex without messing up. This is especially true for single Christian men and single Christian women.
Good post...I can’t say I cannot have attractive female friends, but I would hesitate to have an attractive one that I would go out to dinner with alone. My wife would likely not blink an eye, but I don’t want to put her in that kind of situation.
I guess I don’t believe in tempting fate. I sometimes have the vanity I am a virtuous person, but as it is with tough times, it is hard to predict in advance how you will act under certain kinds of pressure. I would like to think I would withstand the test, but I don’t want to get myself in a position to have to test it.
I've always had many healthy friendships with women.All 3 of my long term relationships with GF's were from being friends first.
I posted this on another thread...
It's because Gabz, I more than anyone know how EASILY these friendships turn into something else.
I did something really stoooopid when I was 20..was a fitness trainer at a local gym while going to Uni. Had a 7 month affair with a married woman ( I was single) who was a client..long story short I was fired and her marriage broke up over it (her friend she confided in told her husband...) Feel very guilty about it to this day...6 years later and regret it..you have no idea.
I was never raised this way and always hated cheaters or the thought of it...but when I became friends with her outside of the gym and the combination she was very lonely(her husband basically ignored her after marriage other when he wanted sex)and we found each other attractive..well it turned into a bad combination. Neither of us never thought it would happen but it did and I never went in thinking I was going to have sex with her or planned it.
As another poster said these affairs in many cases start out very innocently and just snowball.
My current gf and I met because she lived next door to me and we started going to the gym every day. Both of us just started crushing on each other but both of us were single...I could never cheat on her as I now realize the pain it caused when someone else cheated and love her way too much anyway. Guess something good came out of a bad situation.
So I do know my past history and how things happen and that is why I don't become very good friends with attached females while having a gf.
Finally what are some of you thinking as what constitues a friendship? Saying high at the Lowes store or grocery store and talking for 10 minutes is not what this is all about.
Boy, I feel like that is a rule I have tried to live my life by! Every time I get a little proud, a variant of that quote above rattles through my brain like an unwelcome gust of icy wind...:)
Sounds to me like you’re pre-excusing your own behavior. If you can’t trust you who can you trust? All these things are voluntary actions is it really that hard to not do them? Women don’t have mind control powers like in the Fu Manchu stories, if you go doinking a chick not the spouse it’s because you decided to, not because you trusted yourself too much.
Ok, if that's the definition, it's impossible. I've certainly had sexual thoughts about female friends, but I don't indulge them or dote on them. I certainly wouldn't act on them. I think that's really the crux of this conversation. I get the feeling that many who have contributed to this thread believe that a married man is helpless to do anything but comply if an attractive enough woman offers up sex. I honestly don't believe that we're that weak.
I agree, though. Things are different as you age and mature. So I suppose I’ve really been thinking of people in their 20s, 30s and 40s.
I've been thinking about people of all ages, except maybe seniors, since I'm still in my 40's, I'm not qualified to make an observation for them. As I noted, one of my closest friends in the world, has been my friend since I was 16 or 17. Friends all through my 20's and 30's. I've always found her hot, and vice versa. As I pointed out in the other thread, I met more girls because of her than I can shake a stick at.
I understand what you are saying, I just can’t relate to it.
I guess my husband and I were so set in our way when we first met we just accepted each other as we are. I also grew up with the attitude that men and women could be friends without issue. To this day, my dad has more gal friends than guy friends (he’ll be 75 next month) and before her death, my mother had mostly guy friends.
I was in the middle of a really nasty divorce when my husband and I first met. The last thing I was interested in was any kind of relationship other than drinking buddies. My ex was of the mind set that he could have female friends, but I could not have male friends because neither they nor I could be trusted if alone. Of course, he was the only one in the marriage with a proven track record of cheating.......
Oh well, none of that is either or there. I just disagree with the premise men and women can’t just be friends. while it is true some can’t, it is not universal.
We own that movie and have discussed that scene a lot. He is exactly right, and the video proved it.
It’s a pretty funny topic. Sadly, I’m 58 and believe it more than ever. Interestingly, the older you get, the larger the pool gets. When I was 20, I was completely safe around any woman over 30. They were, you know, OLD and WRINKLY.
Finally what are some of you thinking as what constitutes a friendship? Saying high at the Lowe's store or grocery store and talking for 10 minutes is not what this is all about.
No, I'm talking about picking up the phone and saying "hey, wanna go get a beer? I could use someone to talk to right about now." There are more men in my life, who have been in my life for a long time, that I can do that with than there are women.
But Gabz, that is the whole point..women can do that but men, generally, cannot. A woman can have an attractive male as a friend and not want to have sex with him and just be friends..there has to be "chemistry" with many women.
When a man sees an attractive female and they become friends, the man, again generally, would love to have sex with her if given the chance...and would jump on it(and her) if she gave the go ahead.
As a woman you have no idea the sex drive/desire we have due to testicles...
Put it this way I might as well be talking to the wall regarding discussing this with you..that is how far we don't understand each others emotions and desires due to biology.
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