I am very sorry for your loss. It's going to take TIME to grieve for your little guy and nothing can replace that commodity. Eventually, you may want to honor his memory by adopting a kitten or two from a shelter and save their lives. You will then find yourself investing your energies in forging a relationship with the new babies and taking care of them rather than trapping yourself in a loop of grief. Of course there will be times when the memory and realization of loss will just hit you and you will feel indescribable sadness. The antidote for that will be to see the next cute thing the babycat will be pulling.
I have lost beloved cats, grieved them, and remember them with love. What kept me going was then investing my emotions in a new kitten. I hope you find comfort in your own way.
Leo was a Manx who didn’t have a tail,just a stump.
He’d hop when he ran,LOL.
He was closer to my sister and he blew hot and cold,like many cats do.