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To: DogByte6RER
Way back in 1998, I wrote a book called Citizen Clinton. It was a series of various parodies of movies and television shows, with the Clinton characters replacing the movie characters.

The title parody was obviously a parody of Citizen Kane, with a reporter catching up with the principles after the death of Bill Clinton, hoping to find meaning in his last word "Rosebush".

The sections about Monica turned out to be pretty on the mark...

EXT. CHEAP GO-GO BAR - "MUFFIN LIPS" - ATLANTIC CITY - NIGHT - 2023 - RAIN
“Muffin Lips”, spelled out in neon, glows out of the darkness at the end of the fade out. Then there is lightning which reveals a squalid roof-top on which the sign stands. Thunder again, and faintly the sound of music from within. The camera moves in as Thompson walks through door to the seedy go-go bar, drunks stumble out, laughing.
DISSOLVE: INT. "MUFFIN LIPS" GO-GO BAR - NIGHT - 2023
Loud noise and music all around. All male clientele. Topless girls in G-strings dance in center of bar. Unheard conversation between Thompson and a very large bouncer. A bill changes hands. The bouncer walks Thompson towards a corner of the bar, where a very fat woman is bartending.
BOUNCER: Yo Monica, this is Mr. Thompson. Take a break. He wants to talk to you about Clinton.
Monica looks up into Thompson's face, with a dopey, sweet countenance - lonely... eager to please. She is almost fifty, trying to look much younger, in a cheap, enormously generous, black evening dress. Wearing her trademark beret, she is still trying to capitalize on her fame. The dress even has a well placed, intentional stain.
MONICA: (to the bouncer) This doesn’t count as my regular break, right, Manny?
Low thunder from outside.
BOUNCER: No, sweetie. He just wants to ask you some questions. I’ll bet there’s a good tip in it for you.
THOMPSON: Of course, there’s a sizable tip. Even more sizable if you can provide the answers I am looking for.
They move to a table, away from the dancing area.
MONICA: How do you want to handle the whole thing - ask questions?
THOMPSON: I'd rather you just talked. Anything that comes into your mind - about yourself and the President.
MONICA: You wouldn't want to hear a lot of what comes into my mind about myself and Mr. Bill Clinton.
THOMPSON: How did you meet him?
MONICA: I had a pizza... that was thirty years ago - and I still remember that pizza. Mmmm! It had sausages, pepperoni, extra cheese...
DISSOLVE: INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OVAL OFFICE - 1997
Monica, aged twenty-one, neatly but cheaply dressed, in a low cut dress. Showing generous cleavage, she carries a pizza towards the door to the oval office. Betty Currie watches as she approaches. No words are exchanged, but Betty smiles and gives her a thumbs up. Monica pulls down the front of her dress, exposing even more cleavage before knocking.
CLINTON: (behind door) Come in.
MONICA: Mr. President, Betty said you might like a little bit of pizza.
CLINTON: You bet I would!
Scene moves in to the Oval Office. As Monica enters, Clinton puts his arm around her, letting it slide down onto her buttocks. He closes the door behind him.
CLINTON: My secretary prefers me to keep this door closed when I have a lady caller. She's a very decent woman. I was just about to head down into the White House storage area - in search of my youth... but I should have a bite to eat first. You see, my mother died, recently. I've sent for her belongings but I’ve been too busy to go down and look through them. I planned to make a sort of sentimental journey - (a melancholy tone overcomes his speech) - to the scenes of my youth - my childhood, I suppose...
His melancholy mood passes quickly, and thoughts return to the business at hand.
CLINTON: My, you’re a sexy, young thing. Hardly fat at all! Have I ever seen you before?
MONICA: (smiling very broadly) Why thank you Mr. President! We’ve passed in the halls a few times. You know, I have a bit of a crush on you.
CLINTON: Obviously, we're both lonely. (he smiles) Hey! Do you want to see an elephant?
The president pulls the pockets out of his suit pants, so they hang inside out at his sides.
MONICA: (flirtatiously) Well there’s his ears... but I want to see his trunk!
CLINTON: How old did you say you were?
MONICA: I didn't say.
CLINTON: I didn't think you did. If you had, I wouldn't have asked you again, because I'd have remembered. How old?
MONICA: Pretty old. I'll be twenty-two in August.
CLINTON: That's a ripe old age. Certainly old enough to meet an elephant.
DISSOLVE: INT. "MUFFIN LIPS" GO-GO BAR - NIGHT - 2023
Monica tosses down a drink, then goes on with her story.
MONICA: I saw the elephant alot after that. It sorta became my entire job. He was in love with me. But he never told me so until after it all came out about us. At first, when we were found out... he acted like he wasn't really in love with me. He was a little mean, even. I was all set to tell everything. Then, next thing I know, I was whisked away by some Arkansas State Troopers... right from the lobby of the Watergate hotel - in the middle of Washington! That kinda convinced me that he really cared about me.
THOMPSON: But Clinton never once said a nice thing about you in public.
MONICA: He really did love me, though. I know you don't believe me, but it just happens to be true! The troopers... they took me to see him. The Big He's dead now, (sniff) so I guess I can talk about it. He said we'd be in big trouble if Ken Starr even found out we were talking. I was supposed to be cooperating with Mr. Starr by then.
THOMPSON: Did he tell you to lie to Mr. Starr?
MONICA: Bill Clinton never told me to lie! He just made up stories that I should tell instead of the stories that actually happened. But I swear, Mr. Thompson, never once did he tell me to lie!
THOMPSON: Did you ever feel that he was just using you... you know... sexually?
MONICA: Of course not, he was really interested in my personality. (sharply) What are you smiling for? You think I'm delusional don't you? Just like my therapist! Well I'm not! Why else would Bill try so hard to get me a new job? I didn't ask for a new job! I didn't want to leave the White House. It was his idea - everything was his idea - except Linda Tripp’s tapes.
DISSOLVE: INT. VERNON JORDAN’S LAW OFFICE - DAY - 1997
Monica is practicing her interviewing technique. Vernon Jordan is playing the role of interviewer. Clinton is seated nearby.
MONICA: I like to talk on the phone alot...to my friends and junk...lunch times the best part of the day...double whopper with cheese, fries, apple pie, and Diet Coke...twelve noon, like clockwork. I like sex, too...
JORDAN: Impossible! Impossible!
CLINTON: Your job isn't to give Ms. Lewinsky your opinion of her interviewing skills. You're supposed to ensure she gets a good job in New York. Nothing more.
JORDAN: (sweating) But, it is impossible. If this ever comes out, I will be the laughingstock of the corporate world! People will say -
CLINTON: If you're interested in what people say, Vernon, I may be able to enlighten you a bit. The newspapers, for instance. I'm an authority on what the papers will say, Vernon, because I tell them what to say. It's all right, dear. Mr. Jordan is going to listen to reason. Aren't you, Vernon? (he looks him square in the eyes)
JORDAN: Mr. President, how can I persuade you -
CLINTON: You can't.
There is a silence. Jordan shrugs his shoulders.
CLINTON: I knew you'd see it my way.
DISSOLVE: INT. "MUFFIN LIPS" GO-GO BAR - NIGHT - 2023
Monica and Thompson are still at the table. A stripper has sidled up next to Thompson. There is an awkward moment of silence, before Thompson stuffs a bill in her G-string. She sashays away, and the conversation continues.
MONICA: Well, as you know, I did get a job offer. At Revlon, in New York City. At first, they didn’t want to give me a job. They said I was inprofessional. But after a call from my interviewing coach, Mr. Jordan, they said I was the best candidate they ever saw.
THOMPSON: You never did get to work there, though.
MONICA: No, after the Ken Starr thing broke, it didn’t seem like a good idea. I did get tons of money for my book. Well, at least my lawyers did. I got some, though.
THOMPSON: I feel kind of sorry for you, all the same -
MONICA: (harshly) Don't you think I feel sorry for myself? (calming down) You're going down to Ken Starr’s warehouse next?
THOMPSON: Monday, with some of the boys from the office. Mr. Rawlston wants the whole place photographed carefully - all that evidence stuff. We need visuals you know...
MONICA: I know. If you're smart, you'll talk to Carville. He works as the night watchman there, now. You can learn a lot from him. He knows where the bodies are buried.
THOMPSON: What about the President’s last word? "Rosebush". Do you know anything about Rosebush?
MONICA: Maybe it was the color of the lipstick I wore on my Barbara Walter’s interview! He would have liked that color. He always said I had beautiful lips. And he told me that we would get back together one day. He was probably going to call soon. But now, he’s gone. Rosebush, huh, must have been that lipstick color...
THOMPSON: No, I’m sorry... that color was "Melancholy Cherry".
MONICA: Oh... we would have got back together eventually, though. About that tip?
THOMPSON: Of course, here it is.
MONICA: A fifty! Wow, thanks! Usually, I have to show my boobs, or crush a beer can between them to get a tip like that. I guess that doesn’t sound very classy, but I do it in good taste.
Thompson is already walking out as she finishes her last sentence.

38 posted on 10/09/2012 9:00:11 PM PDT by dead (It ain't over until the phone lady sings.)
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To: dead
Way back in 1998, I wrote a book called Citizen Clinton. It was a series of various parodies of movies and television shows, with the Clinton characters replacing the movie characters.

An autographed copy is one of my prized possessions. Thanks, dead! The Mad Mad Mad World still cracks me up.

52 posted on 10/09/2012 9:12:06 PM PDT by Cyber Liberty (Obama considers the Third World morally superior to the United States.)
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To: dead

THAT WAS A DAMN FUNNY BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE $MILIONs

I love the way you always referred to Janet Reno as a man


150 posted on 10/10/2012 1:26:39 PM PDT by Mr. K ("The only thing the World would hate more than the USA in charge is the USA NOT in charge")
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