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WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.See More

A young guy from North Dakota moves to
Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking
for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid
says,”Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota .” Well, the boss liked the
kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down
after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job ...was rough
but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the
boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, “One”. The boss says,
“Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. “How much was the
sale for?” The kid says, “$101,237.65”. The boss says, “$101,237.65?” What the
heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First I sold him a
small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fish
hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish
hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing
rod.

Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so
we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
Craft.

Then he said he didn’t think his
Honda Civic would pull it,

so I took him down to the automotive
department

and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT
and a TRUCK?” The kid said, “No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife
and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot - you should go fishing.”

An old man and his wife are taking a Sunday drive in the mountains and
see a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid
hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver and his wife pull over and gets out to see what has become of the
rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The wife pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends
down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the
road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns
and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of
sight.

The man is astonished. He runs asks his wife, “What is in that can? What did
you spray on that rabbit?”

The wife turns the can around so that her husband can read the label. It
says...

“Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”