Posted on 08/02/2013 5:25:10 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Q: What did they do with the dead Aggie that was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box!
Did you know that if every single man, woman and child in China - all one billion of them - were to hold hands together around the equator more than half of them would drown?
You know you’re a redneck if ...
... The primary color of your car is bondo.
... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth.
... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass!
... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the
wheels off.
... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d’oeuvre.
... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
... Less than half the cars you own run.
... Directions to you house include “turn off the paved road”.
... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tounge gestures.
... Your family tree does not fork.
... Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
... You’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba” during a piano recital.
... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school
sports event.
... You’ve ever BBQ’d Spam on the grill.
... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the
... Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
... You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
... You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
opening on the lube rack.
... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug.
... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
... You think Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
... You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
... You have a rag for a gas cap.
... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A german shepard.
I know a guy so dumb, he thinks ‘innuendo’ is an Italian suppository.
“Dogs, however, do pant like that when they’re hot. “
So do cats. I’ve seen it happen, but if they reach the point of panting they’re REALLY hot.
I don’t mean to tell you it was cold early this morning, but I saw a lawyer walking into City Hall with his hands in his own pockets.
You might be a redneck if...
- Your wife wears a dress that’s strapless with a bra that isn’t.
- You have a home that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.
- Your huntin’ dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
- You walk your son to school because you’re both in the same class.
- You’ve been accused of lyin’ through your tooth.
- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
- Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
- You move the refrigerator and discover that the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
- You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
- You’ve ever used the O on a stop sign to sight your rifle.
- Your car burns more oil than gas.
- You mow your front lawn and find a car.
- You consider yourself an entrepreneur because of the “Free Dirt” sign in front of your house.
- Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You’ve ever made love in a satellite dish.
- You think the mountain men in “Deliverance” were just misunderstood.
- Your front porch collapses and kills at least three dogs.
- The Salvation Army refuses your old mattress.
- You haul more back from the dump than you hauled in.
It was so hot the Improvised Explosive Viking Kitties were popping like popcorn.
Ugh! No air conditioning!!!
In the 70’s I worked in New York City. Not being from there, the humid summers were oppressive to me the first few years. Once and awhile a “cool front” weather system would come through. The temp would drop and humidity too.
I always loved how the TV weather forecasters called it: “Good sleeping weather is coming!”. They weren’t kidding
how can you have the a/c off already? IL isn’t that far south of MI, and up here, a/c is on anytime it’s over 65.
heck, i run my a/c more than my furnace!
glad the hot weather is over though, that one day it hit 90 about killed me.. i called in sick to work just so i didn’t have to go outside. days like that, i even cut down on the smoking so i don’t die of heat exhaustion.
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