My husband is going through the same issue with the death of his father.
When his dad died, the man asked for his ashes to be tossed in a river and my husband honored those wishes.
And that was that, until about ten years later. Out of the blue, the grief of his gather’s death finally hit my husband. (I think that it was because he was going through issues with our own son and he desperately wished for his father’s counsel.)
At that time, he desperately needed his dad. And I mean that the need to speak with his father crushed this man. But there was nothing. Nowhere to go. Not even a grave.
He told me several times that this is all he needed. A grave. A headstone. Any tangible way to touch the man who made him. Had there been anything left, he would’ve flown there in a minute.
That killed him for several years. The ache to visit his father’s grave was soul-deep and wouldn’t go away. It took a very long time for him to come to terms with that. That pain lasted longer than the initial death of the man himself. (shock protects us from a lot... until it wears off)
My dad was killed by an illegal back in 1992. At first, I went to the funeral, grieved, then moved on. In 2002, I finally absorbed the loss and went (half way around the world) to visit the cemetery to find his grave to grieve. The cemetery had lost the plot in their records. I wandered for more than 15 hours, searching for my father. In the end, I placed the flowers on a stranger’s grave and asked if they would please tell my dad that I loved him. I curled up and bawled for days after. I’d lost my dad.
I’m not against cremation, but I am against the loss of a ‘final resting place’. There needs to be somewhere for our loved ones to go. I’ve seen and felt that need and it can’t be denied.
I know that it may sound weird to those who haven’t experienced it, but there’s something about a loss that hits you many years later. Then, there is a desperate need to ‘touch’ the one who meant so much to you. To be denied that is almost as painful as experiencing that loss all over again.
Give the grieved a place to go.
That's the issue for me, I don't have a lot of family. My Dad passed a little over three years ago, my Mom has his ashes with her and she's in her eighties and poor health. Since I am in charge of her will and affairs after she passes I have already told her that I will bring my Grandmother's ashes together with her and my fathers in one place near us, and if my sister and brother can't deal with my spending money to do that tough beans.
A cousin of my points out another reason to have some type of marker, for future generations to answer questions about their heritage. I agree, it is a place to go to find solace.