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HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR
18 May 2014 | US Navy Vet

Posted on 05/18/2014 6:28:24 PM PDT by US Navy Vet

HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month using gray paint.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet off the deck.

5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.

7. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

8. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high.

9. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise level.

10. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools.

11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

13. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

14. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

16. Make each member your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house i.e., dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.

18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 (6 A.M.) while she reads it to you.

20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations.

24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

32. Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.

33. Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don't really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months.

34. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car wheels.

35. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off".

36. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

37. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

38. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.

39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM).

40. Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it "world travel".

41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

42. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

Now, who's ready to go back to sea?


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Military/Veterans
KEYWORDS: sailor; usnavy
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Saw this and thought that it would be funny to share.
1 posted on 05/18/2014 6:28:24 PM PDT by US Navy Vet
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To: US Navy Vet
 photo Maryinthesail.jpg
2 posted on 05/18/2014 6:31:38 PM PDT by gorush (History repeats itself because human nature is static)
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To: US Navy Vet

Hahahah...love it! Thanks for posting...some of those brought back memories!


3 posted on 05/18/2014 6:33:53 PM PDT by rlmorel ("A nation, despicable by its weakness, forfeits even the privilege of being neutral." A. Hamilton)
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To: US Navy Vet

I don’t get 29.


4 posted on 05/18/2014 6:36:27 PM PDT by wideawake
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To: wideawake

Were you ever a Fleet Sailor? Every Fleet Sailor will get this.


5 posted on 05/18/2014 6:38:27 PM PDT by US Navy Vet (Go Packers! Go Rockies! Go Boston Bruins! See, I'm "Diverse"!)
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To: US Navy Vet

You forgot to paint an x on the roof above your bedroom and pay somebody to drop chains on the x all night long.


6 posted on 05/18/2014 6:39:10 PM PDT by USNBandit (sarcasm engaged at all times)
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To: US Navy Vet

Bump for later distribution to Navy friends


7 posted on 05/18/2014 6:41:26 PM PDT by Senator_Blutarski
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To: US Navy Vet

Thanks for posting this! I saw this on USENET in ‘96 and have been searching for it since then.


8 posted on 05/18/2014 6:44:18 PM PDT by thecodont
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To: US Navy Vet

Even a shallow water sailor can get these. Some funny memories, some... I rather continue to forget.

Former USCG here. I was on a WHEC and sailed from the Aleutians down to San Diego. It seemed like most of that tour was at sea too.


9 posted on 05/18/2014 6:44:27 PM PDT by The Working Man
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To: US Navy Vet

Simply too damned funny, and too damned accurate.

I was gonna complain that the coffee wasn’t addressed, but #37 covered it pretty well.

What IS missing is the joy of taking on supplies in, say, Thailand, and despite the Corpsman (me, on my ship) ordering the vegetables soaked properly in chlorine (never done, of course, ever) the entire crew getting near-life-threatening dysentery and merely hobbling intro the next port. Repeated three times that I recall.


10 posted on 05/18/2014 6:45:13 PM PDT by dagogo redux (A whiff of primitive spirits in the air, harbingers of an impending descent into the feral.)
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To: US Navy Vet

Reminds me of hauling refrigerated freight 48 states. But at least then you get a window with a view.


11 posted on 05/18/2014 6:45:18 PM PDT by conservativeimage.com (I Won't Go Underground http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wema3CNqzvg)
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To: US Navy Vet

OMG! These are GREAT!!


12 posted on 05/18/2014 6:48:13 PM PDT by RandallFlagg (Uninstall Fascist Firefox. Get Pale Moon.)
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To: US Navy Vet
When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

I lived two years on a Forrest Sherman Class destroyer (USS Jonas Ingram DD938). We had to take "Navy" showers. A couple guys thought they were above that and were paraded to Captains Mast.

I thought Navy showers in the days of nuclear power were an anachronism, as is refueling at sea.

Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don't really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months

This is entertaining. The thing of it is, is I also met some of the best friends I ever had or could hope to have on the Ingram. I joined the Navy to dodge the draft and have thanked God for better than 40 years for the draft.

The Navy took me places to see places and things it's highly unlikely I would have gone or seen without it.

13 posted on 05/18/2014 6:48:22 PM PDT by stevem
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To: US Navy Vet

Boy, you guys had it tough. Army guys got to sleep wherever they wanted, rocks or mud, your choice. No need for showers, just wait for the rain. Sergeants are always polite and ask nicely who wants to hump the mortar baseplate.


14 posted on 05/18/2014 6:53:34 PM PDT by centurion316
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To: US Navy Vet

Excellent! Brings back memories. Thank You.


15 posted on 05/18/2014 6:55:09 PM PDT by gigster (Cogito, Ergo, Ronaldus Magnus Conservatus)
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To: US Navy Vet

No mail buoy watch? No sounding and security opening and closing hatches in the middle of the night?


16 posted on 05/18/2014 6:57:08 PM PDT by meatloaf (Impeach Obama. That's my New Year's resolution.)
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To: stevem

But when you were alongside a pier you got to take a Hollywood.


17 posted on 05/18/2014 6:59:13 PM PDT by meatloaf (Impeach Obama. That's my New Year's resolution.)
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To: US Navy Vet
5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

I still do this, 40 years later; it just seems to make sense :-)

18 posted on 05/18/2014 7:00:37 PM PDT by chajin ("There is no other name under heaven given among people by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12)
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To: Anoreth; Tax-chick; The Working Man

Ugh.

he forgot the part about building the steel box while you try to live inside it during the first 3 years of occupancy.


19 posted on 05/18/2014 7:01:24 PM PDT by Robert A. Cook, PE (I can only donate monthly, but socialists' ABBCNNBCBS continue to lie every day!)
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To: US Navy Vet

Navy ping


20 posted on 05/18/2014 7:10:58 PM PDT by TNoldman (AN AMERICAN FOR A MUSLIM/BHO FREE AMERICA.)
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