Skip to comments.HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR
Posted on 05/18/2014 6:28:24 PM PDT by US Navy Vet
HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month using gray paint.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet off the deck.
5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.
7. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
8. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high.
9. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise level.
10. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools.
11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
13. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
14. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
16. Make each member your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house i.e., dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.
18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 (6 A.M.) while she reads it to you.
20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations.
24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
32. Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.
33. Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don't really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months.
34. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car wheels.
35. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off".
36. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
37. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
38. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.
39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM).
40. Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it "world travel".
41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
42. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
Now, who's ready to go back to sea?
Hahahah...love it! Thanks for posting...some of those brought back memories!
I don’t get 29.
Were you ever a Fleet Sailor? Every Fleet Sailor will get this.
You forgot to paint an x on the roof above your bedroom and pay somebody to drop chains on the x all night long.
Bump for later distribution to Navy friends
Thanks for posting this! I saw this on USENET in ‘96 and have been searching for it since then.
Even a shallow water sailor can get these. Some funny memories, some... I rather continue to forget.
Former USCG here. I was on a WHEC and sailed from the Aleutians down to San Diego. It seemed like most of that tour was at sea too.
Simply too damned funny, and too damned accurate.
I was gonna complain that the coffee wasn’t addressed, but #37 covered it pretty well.
What IS missing is the joy of taking on supplies in, say, Thailand, and despite the Corpsman (me, on my ship) ordering the vegetables soaked properly in chlorine (never done, of course, ever) the entire crew getting near-life-threatening dysentery and merely hobbling intro the next port. Repeated three times that I recall.
Reminds me of hauling refrigerated freight 48 states. But at least then you get a window with a view.
OMG! These are GREAT!!
I lived two years on a Forrest Sherman Class destroyer (USS Jonas Ingram DD938). We had to take "Navy" showers. A couple guys thought they were above that and were paraded to Captains Mast.
I thought Navy showers in the days of nuclear power were an anachronism, as is refueling at sea.
Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don't really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months
This is entertaining. The thing of it is, is I also met some of the best friends I ever had or could hope to have on the Ingram. I joined the Navy to dodge the draft and have thanked God for better than 40 years for the draft.
The Navy took me places to see places and things it's highly unlikely I would have gone or seen without it.
Boy, you guys had it tough. Army guys got to sleep wherever they wanted, rocks or mud, your choice. No need for showers, just wait for the rain. Sergeants are always polite and ask nicely who wants to hump the mortar baseplate.
Excellent! Brings back memories. Thank You.
No mail buoy watch? No sounding and security opening and closing hatches in the middle of the night?
But when you were alongside a pier you got to take a Hollywood.
I still do this, 40 years later; it just seems to make sense :-)
he forgot the part about building the steel box while you try to live inside it during the first 3 years of occupancy.
Been there, done that, got the Sea Service Ribbon.
I slept beneath the catapult stops on an aircraft carrier. Whenever they launched an aircraft the catapult would slam against the stops so it sounded like someone was slamming a pallet on the floor above you. I could go to sleep between launches and never hear them.
I made a play for a stateroom on the 02 level to get away from the chain dropping guy. Ended up with a weapons elevator as a neighbor. Totally sucked.
After having read this this old Army guy wishes he had gone Navy! ;-)
Active Duty ping.
I’ve seen these before, and while there’s some truth in some of them, it’s a rather cynical look at being in the Navy.
Here are some of the most illustrative examples of life on a submarine for me:
Ensure that every room in your house is drastically different in temperature. If no condensation appears when you open a door, the temperature difference is not great enough. Make sure your bedroom only has two temperatures (100F or 20F) and nothing between. Make sure of hourly cycles throughout the night.
Make sure all your personal belongings will fit in a 2’X2’ space that has lots of cables running through it.
Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the narrowest hallway in your home into a bedroom.
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble “Sorry, wrong rack”.
Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
Every so often, yell “Emergency Deep”, run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place “stowed for sea”.
Shut off all the breakers in the house and yell “reactor scram’. Sit in the dark for at least an hour.
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower.
(Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change the washers on the water spigots.
While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel Fuel... savor the aroma of AMR2LL.
Whenever someone enters a room you’re cleaning, shout “up and over” at them so they’ll go through the attic to get to the kitchen.
Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a sh*t geyser ten feet in the air. Come inside and tell your wife calmly, “I forgot to shut the valve”. Make her and the kids clean up the mess. Vent your septic into the house and yell “venting sanitaries inboard”.
Practice walking quickly with your back to the wall. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained aboard Navy ships.
Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install some batteries. Go down there once a day and take specific gravities.
Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate’s sock.
Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
Mount as many sharp-cornered lockers as you can in all the most traveled halls of your house. Leave almost room to squeeze by.
Run a tube from your car’s exhaust pipe into your living room, yell “prepare to snorkel”, and start the car. You must breathe the fumes for one hour.
And dropping it off in a construction site and taking it completely apart again every 8-12 months.
Sound powered phones. Usually located in a box in the space you were in. You plugged them into a special socket and could talk to others on the same circuit or they could patch circuits together in Engineering Central.
SOUNDS GREAT WHERE DO I SIGN UP
That is a good one, I was a 1LT on LPH-12 USS Inchon, most of the O,s were on the O-2 level below the flight deck. The CO was not really liked by just about everybody, during watch at night all the troops knew where his stateroom was so it just happened that a lot of chains were dropped or dragged there. It could explain why he was torqued off most of the time.
“When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.”
I did that Friday when the sewer backed up at the house.
Its a good day to be at sea.
No offense..but to an old drafted Army VN grunt....That sounds like heaven!....*W*
One more: Chew up your string beans, so when you puke they won’t stick in your nose.
I miss the rainbow sheen of diesel atop my cool, coal-black coffee. And horsec0ck and American cheese sandwiches with cool-aid (same rainbow sheen) for mid rats.
Hell, I miss going to sea:(
I was on WWII subs in 1951. My bunk was situated so that the lower half of my body was alongside the bowplane motor. A couple of times the guys on the bowplanes in the control room would run them down to the stops. A loud THWOCK! and a bright flash would follow. More than got my attention.
Something he taught me as a kid, and I will take to my grave: There are (or were at the time he taught me) only three boats in the Navy: the admiral's launch, a patrol boat, and a submarine. Everything else is a ship. What surprises me today, is how when I speak to young sailors they will refer to a DD as a boat, or a CVN as a boat... My dad would have a fit to hear that were he still alive. I can relate though... I feel the same way when someone refers to a weapon's magazine as a clip!!!
15. gave me chills.
How about laying in your bunk and have an airplane land on the steel ceiling about 18” above your head, dragging a steel hook until it grabs a cable and then hearing the cable being dragged across your ceiling to its original position. Repeat approximately fifty times every night.
VAW-116 aboard USS Coral SEA CVA-43
Member, Tonkin Gulf Yacht Club 1968-69
Dad was EM1 on a Balao class during WWII... SS-318, the USS Baya... His rack was in the forward torpedo room, and he always joked that his bunkmate was a torpedo. Then when I got to go onboard one with him he showed me... He wasn’t kidding - you could lay on the rack and literally reach over a few inches and pat the torpedo on its side. I always thought it was no big deal to sleep with my combat gear on in the Army when the situation warranted it... But sleeping next to that much explosive and torpex just sort of made me shudder. I’ve never meet a WWII Navy vet that, upon learning of my dad’s having served on a sub, didn’t say something along the lines of “That was a rough way to make a living in the Navy.” But every submariner I’ve met always said “at least they fed us submariners well” in order to make up for it.
Oh, boy. It’s all true. Surface line, mighty fine - six weeks at sea and the fresh stuff runs out and the eggs for breakfast were last served to the army of Ramses II. Coffee made for the bridge watch by a nugget who used sea water by mistake. A horror movie that had everyone laughing punctuated by the collision alarm, which did not. Good times.
Here’s the Army version:
1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.
2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can’t talk.
3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.
4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.
5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you’re hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can’t use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.
8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.
9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout “Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!”
10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, “Unserviceable.”
12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it’s ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.
13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.
14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.
17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don’t run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.
18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.
19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.
20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.
24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don’t use them.
27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor’s lawns and call it a deployment.
28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.
29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.
32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don’t let them eat or sleep again for two days.
33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don’t pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you’re going to take them to Disneyland for “block leave.” When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.
38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.
39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble “Just making sure you’re okay.”
40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.
41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.
42. Don’t change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk.
43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.
47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
48. Buy a trash can, but don’t use it. Store the garbage in your hole.
49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to “check the perimeter.”
50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.
51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.
52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.
53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.
54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout “Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!” Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.
55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular “Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?” Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular “Negative contact, Lost-Three out.” Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
OMG! Too funny...and true!
43. Find a locker room shower, practice dropping the soap.
NUKE SEA TRIALS:
Every morning get out of your bed at 3am.
Go to your house and climb up to the attic.
Crawl thru the attic touching every wire in the dark with your bare wet hands.
Trace every wire down the walls to the outlets.
Tell your kids to turn the lights on and off while you touch the wires.
Then go back to bed.
Then at 5am go back to the house and go downstairs to the basement.
Fill the basement with water.
Tear out the wall to find the wiring, trace it back up to the attic and back to the opposite wall, the kitchen and the garage.
Tell your kids to turn the lights on and off while you touch the wires.
Make report and give it to your wife to throw away.
Go to your neighbor`s house and to the same thing.
When I moved to Bremerton 30 years ago, half the houses in town were painted battleship gray.
Hard Charger USS Biddle, DLG-34 here. Same time period.
I was talking to a customer the other day, he’s active duty in Norfolk, says no one lives aboard ship anymore in port.