Posted on 10/20/2021 5:47:05 AM PDT by Bearshouse
Stages of grief
Denial and isolation - This first stage may start before the loss occurs if the death of the loved one is expected. Or it may begin immediately at the time or shortly after the loss. It can last anywhere from a few hours to days or weeks. The feelings experienced in the first stage of grief may be fear, shock, or numbness. The person may be have pangs of distress, often triggered by reminders of the deceased. During this time, the bereaved person may feel emotionally “shut off” from the world. The grieving person may avoid others or avoid talking about the loss.
Anger - The next stage can last for days, weeks, or months. It is when the earliest feelings are replaced by frustration and anxiety. This stage can involve anger, loneliness, or uncertainty. It may be when the feelings of loss are most intense and painful. The person may feel agitated or weak, cry, engage in aimless or disorganized activities, or be preoccupied with thoughts or images of the person they lost.
Bargaining - This stage is likely to be shorter than others. It happens when a grieving person is struggling to find meaning for the loss of their loved one. They may reach out to others and tell their story.
Depression - As life changes are realized, depression may set in. This stage is used to describe a grieving person who feels overwhelmed and helpless. They may withdraw, become hostile, or express extreme sadness. During this time, grief tends to come in waves of distress.
Acceptance - This last phase of grief happens when people find ways to come to terms with and accept the loss. The person comes to accept the loss slowly over a few months to a year. This acceptance includes adjusting to daily life alone.
(Excerpt) Read more at cancer.org ...
If we live long enough, grief is an inevitable and devastating part of our lives and this article laid out the stages better than most.
Apparently, we can suffer multiple stages simultaneously and can get stuck and unable to advance through the other stages. Lessons I'm learning, and I will never be able to say to another griever "call me if you need anything". I've never been called. A person in grief will do without before they have the presence to call you. Just be there with a cup of coffee or a hug, don't wait for them to call you.
When my husband of 35 years died totally unexpectedly at 53 years of age, the grief I felt the first 2 years, and at times still feel, can and could never be helped by another human being. Personally I wanted to be LEFT ALONE!! I had zero desire for anyone to be around me.
I’ve found a good church after not attending for a couple decades due to bad experiences in the past with that evil word of faith/prosperity gospel movement, and that is the only thing that finally helped me.
“Why should a horse, a dog, a rat have life, and thou no breath at all?”
King Lear Act 5 Scene 3, 305-306
You could write a book about grief. You could write an essay. You could write an encyclopedia, in fact, about this universal tragedy.
But you could not top Shakespeare’s 16 words.
I experienced those symptoms all at once and it paralyzed and numbed me for months (it’s been less than a year for me losing my husband of 30 years).
I too didn’t want to be bothered and wished to grieve alone with my pets - who provided such great comfort to me during that time.
I will never again say “call me if you need anything” - it came off to me as so patronizing. It was the little things that meant the most - neighbors stopping by to check on me and say hello, drop off a plant of flower and just chit-chat or my dear friends inviting me to meet for lunch at the mall.
I now know how to respond so much better when one of my loved ones or friends experiences the same thing.
Mine is very fresh and raw, but I talked with a widow who lost her husband 2 years ago and still can't take his clothes out the closet. This is so brutal, I don't know how to live with it for 2 years.
I'm reading all that I can, but the words are all the same "exercise, get into therapy, eat right, get involved in a group". Where do you find the strength to just take a shower?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my husband. It would devastate me.
I, too, am going through these stages. I lost my older brother to CoVid almost 2 months ago.
I am still upset with the hospital rules where there can be no visitors. My SIL is vaccinated, was my brother and nephew’s caregiver for 10 days at home when both had symptoms. She continued to test negative. Why couldn’t she be allowed to go visit her husband of 49 years at least once a day to hold his hand, especially on the last day when we knew his death was imminent. She could’ve been masked and gowned.
Hospital administrators have no heart. None.
Clearly I’m in some part of the anger stage about this. I understand why my whole family couldn’t be there, but I do not understand them not letting his wife be with him. It makes me very very mad and I wonder when patients will have any rights again,
I am very sorry for the loss you have suffered and glad you have found some comfort through this church. Maybe I can find that comfort somewhere. It seems everyone else is still living their life and mine has stopped. Where do you find peace with that?
One of the best things about being a church member is that there is a large support group available in times of loss.
I had to drag myself to do these things, especially in the beginning months - there were a lot of financial issues I had to deal that were necessary and couldn’t be avoided, so that kept me busy (still dealing with them now, it was and is so complicated).
We were also in the middle of renovating our home - and I chose to continue with that - it’s what my husband really wanted and that helped to cheer me up a bit.
I’ve found - and others have told me - that grief comes in waves. You can’t predict when it will overcome you.
I agree with those things you mentioned - you can and should take care of yourself. My animals, my elderly relatives and (grown) kids need me. The exercise has helped b/c it helps me sleep at night. Getting out of the house and going out with friends has helped, it made me realize that life goes on, it doesn’t and didn’t stop. Went to therapy twice and it didn’t do much for me. I’m not a group person at all so I didn’t go that route.
I have a very large yard with several gardens - I work in them each day and they have brought me some joy. I call them my grief gardens. Digging in the earth has brought some relief, watching things grow and bloom as well.
The hardest part was we had just retired and had four trips planned in the next year that all had to be canceled. That really hurt b/c we had talked about them for years while we were still working. My husband had less than a year of retirement before he died, I had almost exactly one month.
I wish you the best. Feel free to mail me any time.
I am saddened by your loss, but glad you had him in your life for so many years and are with a family of believers at church.
Sad all these widow women....
It’s nice ...very nice ....these men had women who adored them and appreciated them
Most men do not.
This forum has a large contingent of lovelorn men....second largest group after the widows I think
I’m sorry ..I hear the pain in your posts...and salute all of you for prevailing ....like Faulkner said....prevail....not just survive.
Life is not for sissies and growing old ...well I’m not over enthused over it..
“I am still upset with the hospital rules where there can be no visitors.”
My husband entered the hospital during his final days (cancer) - and I was not allowed to enter, let alone visit. Not Allowed!
I was told to call the nurses’ station for information - NO ONE ever answered the phone. No one called us - as we were also told would happen. No doctor ever called - as we were told.
My son finally managed to reach someone after two days and started screaming into the phone “I’m not hanging up until a doctor comes onto the line!”
They finally found a doctor who told us the condition (which we already knew) - and that my husband was stable.
We were angry, upset and heartbroken all at the same time. We didn’t even know what room my husband was in or where he was.
Finally husband managed to call - he said he had been in a room without a working phone. He demanded to come home b/c he “didn’t want to die alone in the hospital” - he knew he was end-stage.
My son went and got him (we were told it would be $250 for them to transport him to our home). Hospice care was offered maybe once a week - I had to hire my own, fortunately, my husband’s insurance covered it b/c he needed 24/7 nursing care at that time.
He was able to die in his home, two days later, surrounded by his family and close friends and it was very peaceful - and for that I am grateful.
I'm in Texas and the hospital here didn't ever try to restrict his visitors. I was with my husband of 36 years when he took his last breath and even though it put me on my knees, I can't imagine being away from him in those moments. I agree, that is beyond cruel.
ps ... he also tested positive for Covid which was absolute BS. He had no symptoms and I was with him everyday, bathing him, kissing him, sharing coffee and I have tested negative.
That was the same experience my SIL reported to us. No one ever called, no one answered the phone. They would not release my brother. I wish my SIL could’ve been there.
I’m so glad you were able to get your husband home. I take comfort in that you were able to succeed with that.
No one deserves to die the way my brother did, with only a nurse to hold your hand on your way out. And since no one could be there, how do we even know a nurse did in fact hold his hand in his last minutes?
a couple years ago a friend was going through a serious illness and my husband told me if anything happened to the friend we would really need to step up to help his wife because she wouldn't be able to cope. I said "hey, you're worried about his wife, what about me if something happens to you". He replied "You'll be just fine, you're a much stronger person. Now, my husband is gone and I find I can't live up to the image he had of me.
We conservative women like to think of ourselves and strong and self-sufficient, but the realization comes late that we were strong because of the wonderful men in our lives.
Over 3 years for me and my husband’s clothes are still hanging in the closet, and in his dresser. Cannot stand the thought of walking into that closet and not seeing his things. This winter though I must at least box it up...most of it anyway :(
I'm glad you're getting to that point. A neighbor stopped by and asked me if I wanted to sell my husbands truck. I initially thought, yeah I don't want to let it just sit there. But later, I knew I need it sitting there. I guess you have to do things in your own time.
Dear Bearshouse, I did not find peace with it for 2 1/2 years. Angry at God, stopped believing He even existed, then ran to New Age in the hopes of somehow contacting my beloved Michael. This only made me worse and worse. Didn’t want to live, literally tried drinking myself to death. Refused help with the property, pushed everyone away. It was brutal.
My sister, bless her, finally got me to watch a DVD this past February called American Gospel/Christ Alone. It’s basically a documentary about the damage word of faith/prosperity “preachers” have done to the church and testimony of those who have come out of it, or out of new age, or atheism. It was so genuine that I watched twice in a row and cried through most of it both times. Then a 3rd and 4th and finally realized one of the pastors in the documentary had a church 20 minutes away! I didn’t visit for 3 months, but when I did realized it was the only thing I needed, and only thing that could help me find peace again. A relationship with the Person of Christ.
Thought I’d been a Christian my whole life, but realized I had truly never been. Changed everything for me. My husband was a true believer and now I understand why he was so not happy about the stupid word of faith churches I attended and refused to go. He would be pleased to see how far I finally came in a few short months from wanting to die, to wanting to live, and possibly even being happy now and then :)
I’ll never remarry or even date, but for me to remain in the dark place I was would have upset Mike terribly. Keep that in mind and it’s what I tell others. Your dearly departed one wouldn’t want you so sad.
I know this is a novel, but it helps me to tell the story. God bless and consider watching that DVD..you will NOT regret it :)
Thank you. Michael was my best friend/soulmate. We did everything together. Met at 15, dated at 17, married at 19 so I knew no other life. At 54 first time ever being on my own! I’m better now than I was, but clearly understand also why some women can never recover such a loss.
I AM thankful I had him 35 years (37 if you include courtship :) Many never experience real, honest, love between best friends with it also being your spouse. For that I’m grateful. Even if I knew I’d have lost him so young and unexpectedly, I’d marry him again no questions asked.
I’ve been going to a weekly group called GriefShare. It consists of a short video and then discussion of the chapter in the workbook. Every day we are to do a segment of the workbook. Our son has been gone over 4 years but I still grieve daily. This group helps a lot because I can share with other people who have had a deep loss. I really recommend it.
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