Posted on 07/06/2002 5:00:19 AM PDT by buccaneer81
A 'marriage strike' emerges as men decide not to risk loss
By Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson
Katherine is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirtysomething software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan syndrome: They refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up."
However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man.
"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31-year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry.
"I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment - wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again."
Census figures suggest that the marriage rate in the United States has dipped 40 percent during the last four decades to its lowest point since the rate was measured. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike."
It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Katherine, and has two children. There is a 50 percent likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does, the odds are 2-1 it will be Katherine, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband. Studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.
While the courts may grant Dan and Katherine joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Katherine, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Overnight, Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad" - a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every seven days with his own children.
Once Katherine and Dan are divorced, odds are at least even that Katherine will interfere with Dan's visitation rights.
Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.
Katherine will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take-home pay to Katherine in child support.
As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.
He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.
He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back.
"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk."
Dianna Thompson is the founder and executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. She can be contacted by e-mail at DThompson2232@aol.com. Glenn Sacks writes about gender issues from the male perspective. He invites readers' comments at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
Number one: Jim Bob marries X and has two kids. From day one, her thing was a new house...not a old one fixed...but a new one. Jim Bob had no great income...barely $20k per year. X would not accept a house trailer...only a house. So Jim Bob borrowed and built the house. The bank only gave him $40k based on his income and he borrowed from 5 individuals in the local area to make up the other $25k. Jim Bob skimped and saved for 10 years to pay back the $25k and at least cover that part of the loan. His wife was extremely upset about the financial situation by the 7th year. As Jim Bob paid the last of the personal loans, X got upset and demanded a divorce. X wanted $1k per month. This left barely $700 a month for Jim Bob to live off of. Jim Bob lives in a run-down house trailer today and has seven more years to go before the kids leave home.
Larry married X and had a great job. He was married to her for 24 years. X decided that Larry was not taking care of her and she went for a divorce. Larry had put a tremendous amount of his money into a retirement account, with almost $400k invested. X asked for half, in cash. By the time Larry gave her the $200k and paid the penelities involved, Larry had $80k left. Larry is 56 and had planned retirement at 60. He will be working until 65 and will have half of the previously planned amount to play with in his senior years.
Rick married at 18, to a wild and crazy Deb. Deb was 17, a hard party animal and spent money constantly. Deb had 1 kid with Rick. And when they divorced 5 years later. She took his truck, his entire savings of $10k and demanded $1500 a month for her and the kid. She promptly moved in with some 18 year old guy and was giving him several hundred a month to pay for his car. Rick tried to correct the situation and was told to just shut up and enjoy.
Guys, we need to get smart. Its ok to have relationships. Its ok to have sex. Its ok to meet her family. But don't marry these women. You don't need pain and suffering. You can live a good life and not have to mess with lawyers or pay alimony. Life can be good, if you just use common sense.
Care to name names? We're apparently looking at two different threads.
You just don't get it, do you? We are not women haters. If we simply hated women, we wouldn't even bother with them.
Now, take a third generation version of this, 60" tall, and put it inside of a Realdoll (www.realdoll.com). Voila! RoboGirlfriend. Software updates will add the ability to cook and clean as well. I'm not kidding here. These will probably hit the market by 2005-2007. They will cost about as much as a luxury car, with some models being cheaper and some having more options.
Not opining on the battles being waged out there, just letting you all know that the paradigm is about to shift in a really big way.
Oh, and for the ladies, yes, they have male Realdolls as well. Technology has something for everybody! No need will be left unfulfilled, except maybe the need for human companionship.
In the cases where there was no marriage nor relationship nor live-in, more courts seems to be asking if the woman did not actually WANT, even DESIGN to have the child...and victimize some man as a mere sperm donor...
More women are deciding they don't WANT the kids, just dump them on Daddy. [0ver 20 yrs ago, an aquaintance of mine with seven children including a baby girl, suddenly had his wife run away with a man nearing 70 who had money, and she wouldn't have anything to do with her own children.]
More women today are so obviously unfit to love and care for ANYTHING, plus with increasing awareness of successful parenting by fathers alone (lower crime rates, more successful children and not just boys, either)...causes that to be looked at at least casually by some judges, as a possible option, whereas 20 yrs ago the mother would just automatically get them regardless of her low morals and lack of decency or character...
But what about when Dan is working those late hours, going on business trips which are just that--business, and being faithful to Katherine.
Who gets OD'd on Oprah and Rikki Lake and decides that he can't possibly be being faithful to her (despite sexual harassment laws in the workplace, etc.) and decides to keep the score even. (In reality, Bambi would have to approach Dan, or he would be risking a very embarassing dismissal and lawsuit. Bambi might be a cutie, but that doesn't mean she is a dummy.)
So Katherine is busy being unfaithful while he is slaving away. etc., etc. After all, she has all day while the kids are in school, and Dan is a little tired to be heartthrobbingly romantic when he gets home from his day at work.
You illustrate the bias we complain about when you assume that the male is the one who is unfaithful, and in the process smear many of us who have been faithful until the hour the gavel dropped.
You would reframe the scenario to make the male the evil partner, the one at fault, just as the courts have traditionally done.
While it takes two to make a marriage, it only takes one to destroy it.
Since many women apparently feel that marriage is a part-time job or choose to define it as till death do us part or until something better comes along,.....
blindly signing another social contract with a woman using invisible ink.
You didn't have a marriage and you agreed to this arangement before you even set up shop, ....you signed on willingly to this arrangement beforehand, there was no invisible ink, by your own words.
What you got was what you both wanted so why blame her now for the lack of commitment you BOTH signed on for.
"Female baboons"! Hmm, that could explain the source of Feminism.
Not of women. Of a system gone mad to the delight of some women.
Child custody...wholly unfair.
Child Support: Women who need it get too little and Women who don't need it get too much.
Aside from insuring baby killing "choice", this little morsel is probably the FemiNazis/Womyn's Rights activists biggest pluck.
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