Posted on 08/06/2002 11:17:08 AM PDT by sinkspur
Anna Nicole does little more than epitomize stereotypes on E! show
First Hard Knocks and now humongous knockers. For big, bodacious "reality" programming, don't dare mess with Texas.
HBO's "all-access" coverage of the Dallas Cowboys training camp gave way Sunday to E!'s all-idiot look at Anna Nicole Smith, the former Houston stripteaser who's "got something to get off her chest," according to print ads.
"These babies keep wantin' to pop out," she said in the early minutes of The Anna Nicole Show before ordering her toy poodle, Sugar Pie, to stop passing gas. Wobbled by Fox's Celebrity Boxing specials, a battered Western civilization finally has thrown in the towel.
Anna Nicole Smith E!'s pathetic answer to MTV's The Osbournes thoughtfully premiered seven years to the day of Houston billionaire J. Howard Marshall's death. The last 14 months of the octogenarian's life were spent as Ms. Smith's husband. Now he appears as a cartoon in her show's opening credits while she and mannequin attorney Howard K. Stern continue to battle for $85 million of the old man's gold. Mr. Stern is part of the Brand X cast, along with portly personal assistant Kim Walther and Ms. Smith's 16-year-old son, Daniel.
Billed as unintentionally funny, the first half-hour of Anna Nicole instead explored new depths in indulgent infantilism while she searched for a suitable new home. Ozzy Osbourne might well have short-circuited several thousand of his innocent-bystander brain cells; no matter, he's still Galileo compared to the enormously endowed but otherwise stupendously stupid Ms. Smith. You'll find more smarts in a stick of butter.
Slurring her speech while constantly calling attention to her two talking points, Ms. Smith and entourage initially traipsed through three prospective cribs. She fell in love with the second one after feigning intercourse in a comfy bed and then shoehorning herself into the bathtub. Alas, she became devastated when Mr. Stern told her the payments were too high.
"Kill me, please. Just get me out of my misery, please," Ms. Smith later sobbed. Sorry, but she didn't really mean it.
Big Mama also found time to attend a 20th anniversary party for the Guess clothing company, whose jeans she modeled in trimmer times. While minions applied makeup, Ms. Smith briefly hit her stride by imitating a purring porn star. Printable excerpt: "Mm hmm, you know what I'm talkin' about, don't ya, boy. Bring it on."
After the party – "I love my paparazzi" – she somehow found time to phone her son.
"You love me more than all the raindrops in the world and all the fishes in the sea?" she inquired.
Seated at his computer and sporting a thoroughly indifferent look, he fended her off by saying yes.
By the way, Ms. Smith finally found a new home just before the closing credits made their long-awaited appearance. In a preview of next week's show, Sugar Pie was shown having way too good a time with a teddy bear.
Your thoughts, please.
maybe we can dump wjc on her and keep both out of the mainstream press.
That's a classic line.
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