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Majestic haggis of the glens proves elusive for US tourists
The Gruniad ^
| November 27, 2003
| John Carvel
Posted on 11/27/2003 1:52:42 AM PST by ijcr
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To: Calvinist_Dark_Lord
Haggis Bump! ;-)
To: tbpiper
was Scotch invented because one had to eat haggis or was haggis invented because the cook had a wee bit too much Scotch?Top tips for the haggis moors
Hunting the haggis is no easy matter. Before you have even ventured out on hills armed with your meuran (the standard tool of the haggis hunter) there are myriad traditions to be observed.
Central to the art is stealth. Like the deer stalker, the haggis hunter must be silent, invisible and without odour. Fortunately, while the haggis has incredibly acute senses, these function over a very narrow range. Thus the haggis hunter has to be only a bit silent, a bit invisible and a little without odour.
The haggis can hear only certain high pitched sounds with any clarity. By whacking turnips with a mallet next to a haggis warren, or fobhrÃste, the prominent cryptobiologist Ima Maidep-Nayim has proved that the animal does not react to low thudding sounds. However, even a light rustling can make these delicate creatures bolt.
By perverse coincidence, the sound the haggis is most sensitive to is that of plaid rubbing on underpants. No-one knows why this should be, perhaps this almost undetectable noise mimics exactly the sound of a golden eagle plummeting towards its target. Whatever the reason, the aim of a haggis hunter who sports underwear will never be true. Hence, the tradition that "true Scots" wear nothing under their kilt.
As far as masking the hunter's smell is concerned, there is only one substance that can hide the multifarious odours of a haggiser: whisky. Preferable, the hunter should be absolutely drenched in the stuff to mask any scent. Many's the ignorant laird who has given his gamekeeper a tongue-lashing for smelling of alcohol and then had to issue a cringeing apology after learning this bit of haggis lore.
Finally, the haggis hunter must make himself invisible to his prey. Much like the Tyrannosaurus Rex, a creature to which it is not often compared, the haggis has eyes that react most effectively to movement, but only movement in a straight line. In order to creep up on their prey, haggis hunters must disguise their approach by adopting a shambling, apparently random gait. This is known as havering.
Thus, if you encounter a Scot stinking of whisky, shuffling down the street in an ungainly fashion with their kilt flapping round their bare backside you know they are only hunting the haggis. To show that you are au fait with "the hunt", approach him (or her) and say in a loud voice: "Ach, your havering". A lively discussion should ensue.
22
posted on
11/27/2003 11:29:24 AM PST
by
uglybiker
(The only thing Democrats contributed to Bush's tax cut package was the word "TAX')
To: uglybiker
I just read an article that Mr. Herrick, of Douglas
Wyoming, who was the originator of the Jackalope has died in Casper Wyoming., he we 83.
To: scotsman1
Tsk! Tsk! Extremely touchy for a nation of men who wear skirts and protect their groins with a badgers bottom which doubles as a purse.However to add luster to the ensemble the letter opener stuffed into a sock has a certain charm.
24
posted on
11/27/2003 4:06:33 PM PST
by
ijcr
(Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ability.)
To: scotsman1
I have a Scottish friend (she just got her American citizenship....been here for 27 years!) and she always brings back canned haggis when she visits home. I know it's cowardly, but I've never been willing to try it. Maybe one day when I go visiting Scotland with her, I'll try the fresh-made.
To: scotsman1
I have a Scottish friend (she just got her American citizenship....been here for 27 years!) and she always brings back canned haggis when she visits home. I know it's cowardly, but I've never been willing to try it. Maybe one day when I go visiting Scotland with her, I'll try the fresh-made.
To: WaterDragon
Hmmm. I've had no scotch.
To: albee
Worse than a vegamite sandwich?
28
posted on
11/27/2003 4:35:03 PM PST
by
185JHP
( Is a Deanbacle what they're gonna get?)
To: Dave Dilegge
I'll stick with my black pudding thank you very much...lol
29
posted on
11/27/2003 4:51:04 PM PST
by
cyborg
(liberals are the tapeworms in the intestine of America)
To: kitkat
There is no such thing as too much Scotch, on the other hand even a little Haggis is too much!!
30
posted on
11/27/2003 4:56:21 PM PST
by
HoustonCurmudgeon
(PEACE - Through Superior Firepower)
To: ijcr
At one time in my life I dated an Icelandic woman. During the Christmas holiday I was introduced to something akin to haggis, the name of which I cannot recall. Nor can I recall it having any taste.
31
posted on
11/27/2003 5:02:38 PM PST
by
CaptRon
To: HoustonCurmudgeon
A corollary to that is:
The only time to enjoy haggis is after enjoying a liter of Glenfiddich.
To: kitkat
Maybe if they'd stop serving Haggis more Americans would go to Scotland. LOL...they served haggis at breakfast at the B&B my husband and I stayed in in Edinburgh on our honeymoon. I knew what haggis was and steered well clear of it, but a couple of other American tourists mistook it for sausage patties. However, upon being told that it was haggis, they understood that it was a sheep stomach stuffed with offal. They KNOW.
To: cyborg
I'll stick with my black pudding thank you very much...lol I love telling people what makes black pudding black. The look of abject horror is priceless. :-) Ever read the ingredients in black pudding?
Dried BLOOD and PORK FAT.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Might as well eat a jam rag wrapped in bacon. Sick.
To: Pedantic_Lady
LOL... I knew someone would get it. My mum uses cow blood, but not pork fat. She uses beef and curry,etc. My boyfriend makes farmer sausage which is a South African version of black pudding but there's no blood in there.
I've never had haggis. When I get a Scottish boyfriend I will try it...lol
35
posted on
11/27/2003 5:53:05 PM PST
by
cyborg
(liberals are the tapeworms in the intestine of America)
To: cyborg
I've never had haggis. When I get a Scottish boyfriend I will try it...lol It's FOUL.
To: Pedantic_Lady
OK... I'll take your word for it. Sounds like it's on the order of zebra testicles in pepper sauce...PHEW!
37
posted on
11/27/2003 5:57:48 PM PST
by
cyborg
(liberals are the tapeworms in the intestine of America)
To: cyborg
OK... I'll take your word for it. Sounds like it's on the order of zebra testicles in pepper sauce...PHEW! Can't say I've ever tasted those. :-)
To: Pedantic_Lady
The one person I met that did have them, gave me a reaction that makes haggis sound appetizing.
39
posted on
11/27/2003 6:02:40 PM PST
by
cyborg
(liberals are the tapeworms in the intestine of America)
To: TexasCowboy
40
posted on
11/27/2003 6:14:14 PM PST
by
Calamari
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