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Kerry still can't get his stories straight
SUN-TIMES ^ | March 21, 2004 | BY MARK STEYN

Posted on 03/21/2004 3:46:37 AM PST by NYpeanut

I wonder if John Kerry has perhaps launched his descent into caricature a couple of months too early. Usually, the successful losing candidate waits till late spring/early summer before shifting gears and beginning each day with the campaign trying to explain some rhetorical triviality from the previous week that's stuck to his shoe and he can't seem to shake off.

Ever since last summer, I've been mocking Sen. Kerry's tortured explanations as to why his vote in favor of such-and-such in fact demonstrates his staunch opposition to it. As I wrote a couple of months back:

''His vote against the first Gulf War was, he says, a sign of his support for the first Gulf War. Whereas his vote in favor of the Iraq war was a sign of his opposition to the Iraq war. And his vote against funding America's troops in Iraq is a sign of his support for America's men and women in uniform. On the same principle, I think the best way voters this November can demonstrate their support for John Kerry is by voting against him.''

Even I, though, would have balked at so crude and obvious a parody as this line, which some Kerry impersonator did on the radio the other day:

''I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.''

Oh, hang on. That's apparently the real senator, explaining to an audience of veterans why he voted against funding the Iraqi reconstruction:

''I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.''

Got that?

Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.

Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road?

A: He didn't cross the road. He crossed to the middle to demonstrate his grasp of the nuances and subtleties involved in crossing the road, and was still explaining them to the New York Times reporter when the logging truck hit him.

Then there was the senator's clumsy attempt to declare himself America's ''second black president.'' Bill Clinton was at least canny enough to get himself anointed as the first black president by an actual black person, the novelist Toni Morrison, who declared that he displayed ''every trope of blackness: single-parent household, born poor, working-class, saxophone-playing, McDonald's-and-junk-food-loving boy from Arkansas.'' It's harder to pull that off when you're a Swiss finishing school boy from Massachusetts. Many's the night John and the other boys in his dorm would lie awake dreaming of their freedom as they murmured one of the traditional spirituals of their people: ''Swing by, sweet limousine, comin' for to carry me home.''

Of course, like many African Americans, he understands what it's like when people are prejudiced against you because of your skin. In Sen. Kerry's case, his skin is extremely thin. So it was inevitable that, when a voter named Cedric Brown, in Bethlehem, Pa., needled the candidate to name one of the world leaders who were supposedly desperate for him to beat Bush, within moments the senator would be snarling that it's ''none of your business.''

It's never a good idea in vernacular politics to leave the impression you're more comfortable with the global elite than with American citizens. Instead of the second black president, Kerry sounded awfully like America's first French president.

Also none of our business is the senator's go-ahead-punk bluster about foreign policy. For months he's been droning in his stump speech that, if George W. Bush wants to fight this election on national security, Kerry has three words for him: ''Bring it on!'' So Bush brought it on -- with a 30-second ad arguing that the senator is weak on defense. And suddenly the campaign's curled up on the floor in a fetal position whimpering that it's just totally unfair making such a horrible personal attack. Watching him in New Hampshire, I always thought, when Kerry dares you to ''bring it on,'' he couldn't quite bring it off. As all military strategists say, no plan survives first contact with the enemy. And so it proved.

What else? For over a year, there've been jokes about the ponderous way the senator brings Vietnam up at every opportunity. Ask him about John Edwards' pretty boy bangs, and Kerry says solemnly, ''I know something about bangs for real.'' But he's beyond satire now. The Humane Society sends him a questionnaire asking ''Do you have any pets that have made an impact on you personally?'' Instead of citing any of the ginger toms, gerbils and cockatoos that have passed through the Kerry household in the last four decades, he goes back to those four months in Vietnam and recalls a pooch named VC who accompanied him on his swift boat missions.

Is it normal to take a yappy mutt on a swift boat patrol through enemy territory? Especially a mutt named after the enemy. Calling out ''Over here, VC'' in the middle of the jungle seems a good way to get taken out by friendly fire. Come to that, how many folks name their dogs after the enemy? Did British Tommies stumble across stray French poodles on the beach at Normandy and think, ''Aw, cute li'l feller. I'll call him SS''?

Weird. And, just to round out a weird week, John Kerry, accompanied by the press, went into a sporting goods store and bought a jock strap. Even for a campaign marked by a strangely insecure macho exhibitionism, this was a little too self-parodic. Next time he shouts ''Bring it on!'' I want to see that VC puppy trot out with the jock strap between his teeth so Jacques Chirac can ceremonially drape it round the senator's neck.


TOPICS: Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: 2004; flipflop; kerry; kerryflipflop; marksteyn; marksteynlist
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1 posted on 03/21/2004 3:46:37 AM PST by NYpeanut
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To: NYpeanut
Many's the night John and the other boys in his dorm would lie awake dreaming of their freedom as they murmured one of the traditional spirituals of their people: ''Swing by, sweet limousine, comin' for to carry me home.''

Steyn is fine, all the time.

2 posted on 03/21/2004 3:54:29 AM PST by Aeronaut (John Kerry's mother always told him that if you can't say anything nice, run for president. ....)
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To: NYpeanut
Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.

Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road?

A: He didn't cross the road. He crossed to the middle to demonstrate his grasp of the nuances and subtleties involved in crossing the road, and was still explaining them to the New York Times reporter when the logging truck hit him.

This captures Kerry perfectly!

3 posted on 03/21/2004 3:57:34 AM PST by BlessedBeGod
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To: NYpeanut
''His vote against the first Gulf War was, he says, a sign of his support for the first Gulf War. Whereas his vote in favor of the Iraq war was a sign of his opposition to the Iraq war. And his vote against funding America's troops in Iraq is a sign of his support for America's men and women in uniform. On the same principle, I think the best way voters this November can demonstrate their support for John Kerry is by voting against him.''

I added that to my profile page quotes !!!!!!!!!!!

4 posted on 03/21/2004 3:57:35 AM PST by The Raven
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To: Aeronaut
The Bush Campaign ought to hire this man!I love Steyn!
5 posted on 03/21/2004 4:02:03 AM PST by MEG33 (John Kerry's been AWOL for two decades on issues of National Security!)
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To: NYpeanut
Next time he shouts ''Bring it on!'' I want to see that VC puppy trot out with the jock strap between his teeth so Jacques Chirac can ceremonially drape it round the senator's neck.

Mark Steyn almost had me on the floor with this line.

This was probably the most clever and subtle verbal "bitchslap" I've read recently. Of course "John F'n S.O.B. Kerry" (S.O.B. is his secret service call sign now, dontcha know?) does provide a vast quantity of source material to work with, it's just gratifying to see it put to good use.

Mr. Steyn you've got another fan.

6 posted on 03/21/2004 4:05:08 AM PST by Caipirabob (Democrats.. Socialists..Commies..Traitors...Who can tell the difference?)
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To: NYpeanut
I get the distinct impression that, with Kerry as the Dem nominee, Steyn is happier than a pig in slop.

Talk about a target rich environment.

7 posted on 03/21/2004 4:11:15 AM PST by TomB ("The terrorist wraps himself in the world's grievances to cloak his true motives." - S. Rushdie)
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To: NYpeanut
Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.

We're gonna need another bulb changer. Either that or changer #2 has to pull double duty cause somebody's gotta mention the hero medal from Vietnam that he got when he fought in Vietnam and one of the Vietnamese light bulbs needed changing and Kerry did it but forgot to turn off the power and when he screwed it in, the bulb came on right away and John got a burn from it -- got a Purple Heart from that. Happened in Vietnam.

8 posted on 03/21/2004 4:16:59 AM PST by laredo44 (liberty is not the problem)
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To: NYpeanut
As all military strategists say, no plan survives first contact with the enemy.

Or as Mike Tyson once said, "Everybody has a plan until they get hit."

9 posted on 03/21/2004 4:23:52 AM PST by THX 1138
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To: NYpeanut
And we thought Algore was rich fodder for satire! Rush is wrong....Libs are hysterical! I think its gonna be a truly fun 8 months with Jon'erry.
10 posted on 03/21/2004 4:35:42 AM PST by Centaur (Member of "The RAM", formerly VRWC)
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To: NYpeanut
bttt
11 posted on 03/21/2004 4:47:54 AM PST by SkyPilot
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To: TomB
I get the distinct impression that, with Kerry as the Dem nominee, Steyn is happier than a pig in slop. Talk about a target rich environment.

Lampooning Kerry is proving far too easy. In a single week, Bush-Cheney turned him into French toast. Stick a fork in him, Kerry is done. And there are some interesting scandals brewing on the back burners. The only question now is who the 'Rats will choose to nominate at their convention--'twon't be Kerry!

12 posted on 03/21/2004 4:48:23 AM PST by PeoplesRepublicOfWashington
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To: NYpeanut
bump
13 posted on 03/21/2004 4:49:39 AM PST by foreverfree
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To: NYpeanut
... a campaign marked by a strangely insecure macho exhibitionism ...

To Kerry this doesn't seem strange. His problem is that he grew up impressing people with his wealth and flashy activities (skiing, playing hockey, "being awarded" medals in combat). His ego loves talking about how great he is, and, in his circles, that used to produce fawning adulation. But the American electorate wants to hear how he is going to serve them and finds his self-aggrandizement strange and offensive.

14 posted on 03/21/2004 5:13:37 AM PST by Puzzleman (Bush = Steadfast leadership in time of change)
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To: foreverfree
good read,,I am particularly fond of the Jock strap purchase and think we have yet to mine that one for its humor value!
15 posted on 03/21/2004 5:16:26 AM PST by cajungirl (John Kerry has no botox and I have a bridge to sell you!)
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To: NYpeanut
I heard (here on FR) that Kerry's daughter was with him when he bought the jock strap, but I can't confirm it.
16 posted on 03/21/2004 5:17:45 AM PST by Seth1 (Stop plate tectonics!!!)
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To: Seth1
John Kerry was home in Boston Friday for what was billed as a day off. But a routine trip out on a snowy afternoon by the presumed Democratic nominee quickly turned into a big-time production.

The Massachusetts senator and his daughter Vanessa, 27, were escorted from their red brick townhouse in Beacon Hill to a nearby Borders bookstore by a seven-car motorcade -- two police cars, three SUVs loaded with Secret Service agents and two minivans stuffed with reporters.

"So much for a mundane day with Dad," said the candidate's daughter.

As he edges closer to becoming the party's official nominee, Kerry's privacy has rapidly receded. The national media are now treating the Massachusetts senator with nearly the same scrutiny that they apply to the president.

Next week, members of his press corps are planning to accompany him on a five-day vacation with his wife to an undetermined locale.

On Friday, a gaggle of reporters tailed the senator on his round of errands, just in case he made news. They were on hand as Kerry perused the history section at Borders, picked up his bicycle from a repair shop and even when he bought a jock strap, among other items, at a local sporting goods shop.

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/content/auto/epaper/editions/today/news_04250982b14f108e00e6.html
17 posted on 03/21/2004 5:23:42 AM PST by maggief
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To: NYpeanut
''Swing by, sweet limousine, comin' for to carry me home.''
18 posted on 03/21/2004 5:28:11 AM PST by Mike Fieschko
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To: NYpeanut
Kerry is trying to morph himself in to John F. Kennedy while morphing himself in Bill Clinton. The result is still a al-Franken-stein monster.
19 posted on 03/21/2004 5:28:58 AM PST by TomGuy ('Jacques strap' Kerry is scarey.)
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To: NYpeanut; Pokey78
Best Steyn since, well since the last Steyn.
20 posted on 03/21/2004 5:30:15 AM PST by metesky ("Brethren, leave us go amongst them." Rev. Capt. Samuel Johnston Clayton - Ward Bond- The Searchers)
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To: NYpeanut
"John Kerry, accompanied by the press, went into a sporting goods store and bought a jock strap."

Gee this is odd?!? As I recall from being a kid, a male doesn't need a 'jock' until you have 'something' to protect!
(maybe he's going to use it as a combination nose guard/sweat band??)

And what could be next? Him buying a 'cup' to use as an ear protector?!!?


BTW, I bet 'the press' who accompanied him have NO idea of what a jock strap is!

21 posted on 03/21/2004 5:36:46 AM PST by Condor51 ("Diplomacy without arms is like music without instruments." -- Frederick the Great)
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To: TomGuy
Your post 19,,give the guy a break. It is very hard to morph into two people at the very same time all the while needing a jock strap. Life is hard for J Kerry
22 posted on 03/21/2004 5:46:26 AM PST by cajungirl (swing low , sweet limousine, coming for to carry me home!)
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To: Condor51
Gee this is odd?!? As I recall from being a kid, a male doesn't need a 'jock' until you have 'something' to protect!

He bought it for his wife.

23 posted on 03/21/2004 5:49:38 AM PST by jackbill
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To: All

Great piece


24 posted on 03/21/2004 5:50:56 AM PST by The Wizard
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To: NYpeanut
Was Kerry in Vietnam? I didn't know that :o)
25 posted on 03/21/2004 5:52:32 AM PST by McGavin999 (Evil thrives when good men do nothing!)
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To: TomGuy
Well, he's got the face for it.
26 posted on 03/21/2004 6:02:58 AM PST by NYpeanut (gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him, "Why did you lie to me?")
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Comment #27 Removed by Moderator

To: NYpeanut
Kerry is his own worst enemy, since he is a man of no convictions and has no qualms in saying whatever pleases his latest audience. That kind of man does not deserve to be President, no matter what packaging his handlers wrap around him.
28 posted on 03/21/2004 6:05:22 AM PST by LLBeet
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To: NYpeanut
When the U.S. does elect a black president, Toni Morrison's silliness will be exposed for what it is.
29 posted on 03/21/2004 6:07:47 AM PST by Savage Beast ("Vote Democrat!" ~Osama bin Laden. "Kerry for President!" ~Ayman al-Zawahri.)
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Come to that, how many folks name their dogs after the enemy? Did British Tommies stumble across stray French poodles on the beach at Normandy and think, ''Aw, cute li'l feller. I'll call him SS''?

I dunno what soldiers under fire tend to name their mascots, but I DO know that Adolf, Tojo, and Mussolini were popular pet names during WWII, among civilians . Dachshunds are still commonly saddled with "Adolf".

30 posted on 03/21/2004 6:11:20 AM PST by kaylar
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To: NYpeanut
john f'n kerry has just joined my "lowercase club"...as I refuse to write the names of certain people that I have seen to be liars, and un-American...like clinton, for instance.

kerry is a bigger 'toon than clinton was...and that is saying a lot.

He is what is referred to as a "BS-Artist"...an unabashed one, at that.

But, most of all, kerry is a bully...not unlike hillary clinton...I even think they are both probably the same gender.

They both like to lie...
They both dislike Secret Service people, and treat them badly...
They both have pasts that link them to socialism/communism preferences for governing...;
They both lust for power...
They both loathe G.W. and conservatives in general...
and...

If either of them EVER get to the White House, then write America off and get out your Muslim kneeling mats...
31 posted on 03/21/2004 6:15:42 AM PST by FrankR
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To: cajungirl
I am particularly fond of the Jock strap purchase and think we have yet to mine that one for its humor value!

Hope the media informs us if he visits a veterinarian.
Might be purchasing some nuticles. He could use them.

32 posted on 03/21/2004 6:33:06 AM PST by Vinnie
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To: Vinnie
I want to see that VC puppy trot out with the jock strap between his teeth so Jacques Chirac can ceremonially drape it round the senator's neck.

I guess that would make it a "Jacques strappe".

33 posted on 03/21/2004 7:43:37 AM PST by TimSkalaBim
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To: TimSkalaBim
I guess that would make it a "Jacques strappe".

Pardon my French, so to speak, but I get the impression Chirac would just love to trade places with JFK's jock.

More Jean Effin' anecdotes from today's NY Post:

JUST hours before Sen. John Kerry boldly announced, "I don't fall down," on a Sun Valley ski slope, he fell down. Kerry made headlines last week when, on his first snowboard run down Idaho's Mount Baldy, a skiing Secret Service agent collided with the Democratic presidential candidate, sending him tumbling into the powder. After getting to his feet - and being assured that news cameras hadn't caught the crash - Kerry told reporters: "I don't fall down. That son of a bitch knocked me over."

Not quite. Upon his arrival in Idaho the previous evening, Kerry showed he's as vulnerable to gravity as the rest of us. As his dozen-car motorcade made the 90-minute trek from a Twin Falls airport to the slopes of Ketchum, they stopped off at a Texaco mini-mart in Shoshone, where Kerry promptly lost his footing.

"Out jumps candidate Kerry to buy a bottle of water, but the lady at the mini-mart had just mopped the floor," a spy tells PAGE SIX. "Kerry slips and falls on the wet floor!"

"It was a quick slip and an immediate recovery," says Kerry rep David Wade. "He was up in a second."

The overwhelmingly Republican enclave might prove a bit slippery for Kerry. Ketchum elders were concerned when Secret Service agent Robert Harrell advised them a Kerry presidency would have "some noticeable impacts" on their lives. Kerry and wife Teresa Heinz Kerry live on the Big Wood River across Highway 75 in the Adams Gulch section of town. The agent warned that heightened security could entail occasional "frozen zones" where freedom of movement is restricted should Kerry win the 2004 election.

Many locals didn't seem too upset by the idea - they tolerate Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's five California state troopers in nearby Lake Creek. But they are horrified at the thought that legendary Pioneer Saloon could soon be in a "security bubble," says our Ketchum sources.

Kerry got a taste of local hostility when he lunched with his wife Thursday at the Warm Springs ski area. An octogenarian at a nearby table loudly told his date, "I see the idiot is here."

A young waitress scolded the senior citizen, "It's guys like you who got this country where it is!"

"Don't get personal about this, young lady," he replied.

34 posted on 03/21/2004 8:05:32 AM PST by mountaineer
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To: maggiefluffs
It's not clear from that article if Kerry's daughter was along just for the trip to Borders, or if she went to pick up the bike and buy the jock strap, too. I wish I could find out for sure, because it's pretty hilarious if she was there.
35 posted on 03/21/2004 8:09:03 AM PST by Seth1 (Stop plate tectonics!!!)
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To: TomGuy
Kerry is trying to morph himself in to John F. Kennedy while morphing himself in Bill Clinton. The result is still a al-Franken-stein monster.

al-Franken-stein monster--I love this.

36 posted on 03/21/2004 8:11:56 AM PST by sandlady
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To: Pokey78
Ping!
37 posted on 03/21/2004 8:13:40 AM PST by Rummyfan
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To: NYpeanut
Another worthy repeat:

It's never a good idea in vernacular politics to leave the impression you're more comfortable with the global elite than with American citizens. Instead of the second black president, Kerry sounded awfully like America's first French president.

America's first French president--Let's not let this happen!!

38 posted on 03/21/2004 8:16:36 AM PST by sandlady
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To: NYpeanut
"His vote against the first Gulf War was, he says, a sign of his support for the first Gulf War. Whereas his vote in favor of the Iraq war was a sign of his opposition to the Iraq war. And his vote against funding America's troops in Iraq is a sign of his support for America's men and women in uniform. On the same principle, I think the best way voters this November can demonstrate their support for John Kerry is by voting against him."

This paragraph deserves it's own post!!!!!

39 posted on 03/21/2004 8:18:32 AM PST by Mr. K
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To: laredo44
wow. Kerry was in Vietnam why doesn't he ever talk about it?


Sorry. The thread didn't have one yet.
40 posted on 03/21/2004 8:25:22 AM PST by watchin
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To: mountaineer
Kerry got a taste of local hostility when he lunched with his wife Thursday at the Warm Springs ski area. An octogenarian at a nearby table loudly told his date, "I see the idiot is here."

LOL!!!
41 posted on 03/21/2004 8:28:00 AM PST by Rummyfan
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To: mountaineer
A young waitress scolded the senior citizen, "It's guys like you who got this country where it is!"

Ah if only, if only ... "That's right, young lady. And it's guys like that who will #$%^ it up"

42 posted on 03/21/2004 8:33:37 AM PST by watchin
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To: Mr. K
Bump
43 posted on 03/21/2004 8:39:29 AM PST by pushforbush
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To: NYpeanut
Bwahahahaha!!! Another Mark Steyn classic! He's really killing Baron John F. Munchausen with his rapier wit. Humor and some clever asides are deadly to a politician whose mangled syntax and absence of charisma are all too obvious. Liberals have always charged President Bush with not being an inspired speaker and coming across as wooden. One look at Baron Munchausen and he's in a league all to himself. The guy will no doubt provide material over the coming months for several SNL episodes. If Kerry can't have the likes of Mark Steyn take him seriously, why should foreign leaders? All you can reasonably conclude is he's just not ready to serve as President.
44 posted on 03/21/2004 8:49:26 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives On In My Heart Forever)
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To: metesky; Howlin; riley1992; Miss Marple; deport; Dane; sinkspur; steve; kattracks; JohnHuang2; ...
Thanks!


45 posted on 03/21/2004 11:56:29 AM PST by Pokey78 (Steyn: Leftists demonize Wolfowitz because his name begins with a big scary animal and ends Jewishly)
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To: NYpeanut

46 posted on 03/21/2004 11:58:55 AM PST by Fiddlstix (This Space Available for Rent or Lease by the Day, Week, or Month. Reasonable Rates. Inquire within.)
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To: Pokey78
Thanks for the ping Pokey.

Did John Freekin Kerry really have a pet pooch in Nam named VC? or is Mark putting me on?
47 posted on 03/21/2004 12:11:38 PM PST by mylife
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To: ozaukeemom
Steyn Ping
48 posted on 03/21/2004 12:12:14 PM PST by mylife
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Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.

BTTT

49 posted on 03/21/2004 12:13:41 PM PST by Amelia
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To: Aeronaut
BTTT
50 posted on 03/21/2004 12:17:54 PM PST by Gritty ("Instead of the second black President,Kerry sounds like America's first French President-Mark Steyn)
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