Posted on 04/30/2004 8:31:29 PM PDT by txradioguy
Time to consider the appropriate running mate for John Kerry on the Democratic ticket. All political partisanship must be set aside. America is at war. These are serious times, making the vice presidency of even greater moment than ever. As Senator Kerry would have everyone believe, oh, woe is we:
America’s population is unemployed, flat on its butt. Its citizens are held in the thrall of the filthy-rich (except for Kerry and the missus). Cut-and-run corporations (it’s unpatriotic to mention Heinz-Kerry ketchup kitchens) outsource jobs to foreign lands. The armed forces (micromanaged from a tool shed outside Crawford, Texas) are mired in Iraq, in a quagmire quaggier than Vietnam, getting the daylights beat out of them day in and night out. The United States is devoid abroad of all friends, allies, well-wishers and hangers-on (the French, as usual, don’t fancy us).
Crème de la Crème
The Democratic Party primaries have labored and brought forth the very best of their best in the persona of the most liberal of liberal senators, the most manly that Massachusetts has to offer.
Obviously, what is called for now is the other half of that matching set of bookends, a vice presidential candidate to complement the leadership qualities that Kerry has so impressively demonstrated.
If need be, the nation must be scoured for just the right fit.
The traditional requirement that the vice-presidential nominee must be from a state with enough electoral votes to ensure the ticket’s victory is utter nonsense now that opinion polls are the accepted conventional wisdom.
Diversity Be Damned
Also politically passé is the notion that he/she must hail from an offsetting geographical region other than that of the head of the ticket.
No longer does it matter if the vice-presidential, or presidential, nominee is a Protestant, Catholic or Jew. OK, so maybe America isn’t quite ready yet for a Muslim in the White House. Be patient.
Age, gender, sexual preference, ethnic hyphenation, marital status, mental health, none of the usual shopworn considerations is of any validity anymore.
What’s a Man Without a Man’s Man?
As it should be, all that matters in 2004 is, plainly and simply, this:
No farther than a heartbeat away from the presidency, a vice president must be the indispensable confidant of the president, the uncomplaining amanuensis (you could look that up) of his every wish.
Agreed? Of course. What reasonable objection could possibly be raised to those requisites?
An End to Speculation
Then there is but one person on the whole planet who is sufficiently politically correct (what counts these days) to meet the test.
His name – don’t everyone rush at once to shout the obvious answer – is none other than – let’s hear it now for – Marvin Nicholson!.
Whadda you mean who the hell is Marvin Nicholson? What are you, some kinda political ignoramus? Have you been living in a cave or on the wrong side of the Hudson River? Don’t you read all you need to read, namely the New York Times? Get a life!
You Name It
As everyone-who-is-anyone knows, Marvin Nicholson is John Kerry’s hand-picked, personal butler, valet, liegeman, retainer, menial, squire, footboy, lackey, flunky, equerry, groom, wallah, swineherd, chamberlain, subaltern, vassal … the list goes on and on, filling a whole half a page in the thesaurus.
Yes, Marvin Nicholson is the dear senator’s designated dogs-body, his eager ankle-biter, his private step’n fetchit who dials his telephone for him, pops open his bumbershoot at the first drop of rain (that coif mustn’t be mussed), picks out (may even tie) his expensive neckwear, schleps his fashionable luggage, selects his tedious menu, snowboards protectively alongside him, wakes him up in the morning and (no foolin’) tucks him in at night.
To hear the New York Times tell it – now would the New York Times make up anything? – “Kerry would be helpless without his trusty manservant, Marvin Nicholson.”
An Almost Biblical Match
America most assuredly does not want a president who is helpless. Not in these perilous times. So, like Ruth and Naomi, whither John Kerry goest, there will Marvin Nicholson go. So why not make him official? On the ticket, entitled to Secret Service protection.
As the proper New York Times delicately confides, “Mr. Kerry is comfortable being catered to.”
Well! We can’t have a president rattling around the White House un-catered to while trying to make life-or-death decisions for America.
And just what does “catered to” mean (for the benefit of those who’ve never been)? Who better to elaborate further than the New York Times, raised with its own silver liberal-ladle in its mouth?
No Want Unattended
An April 28 article in the newspaper that prints all the news that fits its agenda (which makes one wonder how this one got past the 43nd Street editorial trolls), Kerry’s butler has on him at all times, or within instant reach, such absolute necessities of stressful political life as:
Loose change, Tylenol, Advil, Advil Liquid Gels, Advil Sinus pills, Swedish hand cream, Halls cough drops, Scope mouthwash, a tube of Blistex, Band-Aids, a sewing kit, little zip-lock plastic baggies containing made-fresh-daily peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches wrapped in aluminum foil of course, cans of strawberry diet milkshake, Imodium and Handiwipes.
Wipes? That raises the question – not answered here, you can bet your bippy – of just what it is the pampered senator can or can’t or won’t do for himself, unassisted, on his very own, now that he’s over age 3.
Never Leave Home Without One
This little boy who never grew up doesn’t need a butler. He doesn’t need a vice president.
What John Kerry needs is a nanny.
And Hillary Clinton thinks she may want to be his vice-presidential running mate? Say what else you will about Hill, a nanny she’s not.
Right, Bill?
(Excerpt) Read more at newsmax.com ...
That blond guy from Queer Eye
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