You mean me? >:*3<
Much better scansion. If you're up for a little more tweaking, third time'll probably be a charm. I think singing it might be a good idea, if you can manage it. Although the form is iambic octameter, the stresses on the second, sixth, tenth, and fourteenth syllables are more significant than those on the fourth, eighth, twelfth, and sixteenth. When using one and two syllable words, or longer words whose stressed syllables receive comparable emphasis, this isn't a factor, but there are some polysyllabic words which have one primary stressed syllable which should be put in one of the "key" spots on the line.
BTW, one thing I like about your writing is that while you don't load your piece up with triple-ryhmes (which are nearly impossible--I don't know how G&S found all theirs) in many of your couplets you rhyme the antepenultimate (third-to-last) syllable as well as the last one. The improvement this makes when the song is sung is quite considerable, and so I'm glad to see that you've done it in a lot of places.
And in the field of foreign wars my service is distinguished,
Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguished.
I like these, though pronunciation might be clearer if written as either "distinguish-ed" or "distinguishèd". The pronunciation in such case would clearly be unnatural and forced, but such forced pronunciations would be well in keeping with the original style.
I'm boarding schooled and prepped and preened in snowy neutral Switzerland,
my haircuts and my super facials put me out at least a grand.
I really like the "Switzerland"/"least a grand" rhyme. It's not quite a triple rhyme, but no worse than some of the ones G&S get away with.
I married very well, indeed I did, and married nearly twice,
The line scans perfectly, technically, but when I try singing it something seems out of kilter. Can't quite put my finger on it, but it 'feels' like the 'very' syllable pair belongs between 'married' and 'nearly'. Unfortunately, that breaks the line grammatically. I think the problem is that the line musically puts primary stresses on the second beat of each foursome than on the fourth. Thus, as written, it scans as:
I married very well, indeed I did, and married nearly twice
when much of the line would scan better (at least to my ear) as:
I married well, indeed I did, and married [mumble] nearly twice
A matter of taste to be sure, but do you get that feel when you sing that line?
The first for money and for practice, though the kids they say are nice.
To my ear, "though they say the kids are nice" would seem better, or perhaps "though I hear the kids are nice". Have you tried singing it? What do you think?
My first wife was unwillingly annulled, yet she remains a friend,
My second wife is richer still, and she is quite a major brand.
Nice pair of lines here. The first is a bit of a tongue twister (though no worse than "the black silk with gold clocks" from Iolanthe. "(re)mains a friend" is a nice rhyme with "major brand".
My intellectual positionings, like marriages, are pairs;
This fits iambic octameter, but it's very awkward to sing. I think the word "intelectual" needs to start on the fourth, eighth, or twelfth syllable of a line to really work. Not sure how to make the text fit with the word shift, but try singing the above and then
My marriage intellectual positionings are silly pairs.Obviously the latter line is nonsensical, but I like the juxtaposition of "intellectual positionings" if they fall on the proper syllables.
I am the very model of a presidential candidate,
In matters war and peaceful I will always spin and vacillate.
Good rhyme.
Unless some vast right wing conspiracy in Haiti or in Greece,
Something seems 'off' here. I like the dangling sentence construct--I don't think G&S used any in IATVMOAMMG, but it's nice here. But "conspiracy" seems like it needs to be moved two syllables left or right.
Unless some vast conspiracy by rightwingers in olive Greece or Unless some vast right wingers' bad conspiracy in olive GreeceEither of those scan better to you, if they can be made so they're not nonsensical?
Attacks with indefensible assault the People's Insurrection,
Or somewhere ignorant and shameless fools demand a fair election.
Then I will castigate and reprimand severely the aggressor,
Unless perhaps I delegate the task to the U.N. or my successor.
How are you intending these to scan? They seem a syllable or two too long now. Also, do you have any idea how to wrap things up? IATVMOAMMG has three verses, all with almost exactly the same form. Four couplets of 16-syllable by the soloist, then three repetitions of the last line by the chorus, the last of which includes two duplicated syllables (e.g. "with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypote-potenuse"), then two couplets, with the last being repeated by the chorus. To fit the IATVMOAMMG pattern, you need a a 4-line stanza (with a chroal repeat of the last 2) before the last 8-line stanza, and another 4-line stanza (with choral repeat of the last 2) after.
This phrase is awkard to say, but has a different smell to it than "though they say the kids are nice." To me, my version is a bit more pompous and detached. Perhaps it needs commas.
G&S had the advantage that their song is nonsense. Mine needs to tell a coherent and truthful story and stick pretty much to a biographical timeline.
Also, I want the vocabulary to be accessable and the phrasing to be conversational, except where deviation serves humor.