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Rode hard and put away wet:

I am the very model of a presidential candidate,
From character to senator I know what to assassinate.
I lobby for the victims of injustice and adversity,
And care for those unfortunates who lack my great diversity.
I've slept with movie starlets and I've yachted with the Kennedys,
I've copied their initials and I've shared in their amenities.
And in the field of foreign wars my service is distinguishèd,
Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguishèd.

Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguishèd.
Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguishèd.
Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguishèd.

I'm boarding schooled and prepped and preened in snowy neutral Switzerland,
My haircuts and my super facials put me out at least a grand.
My visage in the mirror never ceases me to fascinate;
I am the very model of a presidential candidate.

His visage in the mirror never ceases him to fascinate;
He is the very model of a presidential candidate.

I married very well and proper, and I married kind of twice.
The first wife, she had tons of money, and the kids they say are nice.
This was, advancing my career, anulled, but she remains a friend.
My second wife is richer still, and she is such a major brand.
Two marriages can easily as two conflicting thoughts be hatched;
I'm married to ideas whenever they're to billionaires attached;
The nuances of laws and things are strewn among my haws and hems;
I'm so cerebral sauve and subtle, like Prince Hamlet on the Thames.

He's so cerebral sauve and subtle, like Prince Hamlet on the Thames.
He's so cerebral sauve and subtle, like Prince Hamlet on the Thames.
He's so cerebral sauve and subtle, like Prince Hamlet on the Thames.

I have a lot of incompatibly composed conflicting stands;
And ghosts fly out of Arkansas, opposing me and my demands.
In matters war and peaceful I will always spin and vacillate.
I am the very model of a presidential candidate.

In matters war and peaceful he will always spin and vacillate.
He is the very model of a presidential candidate.

If I become the president our kind could safely then inhale,
Unless a vast conspiracy releases the right wing on bail,
Demands a foolish fair election in a horrid third world state,
Or tries to overthrow a brutal and oppressive potentate,
Humiliates or disrespects a terr'ist or a tyrant lord,
Or fails to fly the white surrender banner for the mouse that roared;
I would this mad cabal remand and would severely castigate,
Unless to the U.N. or my successor I could delegate.

Unless to the U.N. or his successor he could delegate.
Unless to the U.N. or his successor he could delegate.
Unless to the U.N. or his successor he could delegate.

I never would betray you and I never would equivocate.
I'm patriotic to a fault and never would renunciate;
My brain, when I am making big decisions, it can herniate.
I am the very model of a presidential candidate;

His brain, when he is making big decisions, it can herniate.
He is the very model of a presidential candidate.