Posted on 05/26/2004 5:29:16 PM PDT by Sub-Driver
Study: After Age 40, It's the Wives Who Divorce the Husbands By Chaka Ferguson Associated Press Writer
NEW YORK (AP) - Two-thirds of divorces after age 40 are initiated by wives, debunking the myth of an older man divorcing his wife for a younger woman, a new survey shows. "That obviously happens, but mostly it's women who are asking for the divorce," said Steve Slon, editor of AARP the Magazine, on Tuesday. The magazine will publish the results Thursday in its July-August issue.
"The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond" surveyed 1,147 people ages 40 to 79 who had divorced in their 40s, 50s or 60s. The questionnaire survey, completed in December, had a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3 percentage points.
The survey found that women over age 40 seemed more aware of problems in their marriages, while men were more likely to be caught off-guard by their divorces. Twenty-six percent of men said they "never saw it coming," compared with 14 percent of women.
The increase in women initiating a divorce reflects the empowerment of women to leave bad marriages, said Linda Fisher, AARP's director of national member research.
"Thirty years ago, many of these women might not have been able to (divorce) because of lack of self-confidence and financial means," she said. "Women are more likely to have more self-confidence and the means to leave a marriage when the circumstances are untenable."
The AARP study found that most women said they filed for divorces because of physical or emotional abuse, infidelity or drug and alcohol abuse. Men said they sought divorces because they fell out love, they had different values or lifestyles or infidelity.
The report also found that most older divorced people move on to other serious relationships.
Seventy-five percent of women in their 50s reported enjoying serious, exclusive relationships after their divorces, often within two years. Eighty-one percent of men in their 50s did the same.
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On the Net:
AARP: http://www.aarp.org
Wait a minute... the feminists assured me that it's MEN that leave their aging spouses.
their husbands (ex) are in their prime years for earnings, they are done needing them for the raising of the children - so they get their settlements and move on.
Was this survery taken pre-Viagra..
Bad as defined by whom, I wonder? The wife, the husband, both? Maybe women are just more inclined to bail now if the going gets tough. If so, that's not a good thing.
Some women forgo the settlements and leave without a penny to their name (especially the ones who stayed home and took care of the kids.) There is only so much a woman can take.
The definition of "bad" given by the women in this study includes abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, or an unfaithful spouse. You surely would not blame a woman for divorcing a man who engaged in behavior like this?
Not if they're telling the truth, no.
I still question how many of these divorce initiation stats are skewed by situations where the parties agree to divorce and as a matter of courtesy the wife files the complaint. I think it is still considered a good deal of a disgrace to be divorced by your husband, no matter the grounds it still makes it look pretty bad for a man to file against his wife. This may be just a peculiar thought of mine, but I have wondered about it for a long time.
"Maybe women are just more inclined to bail now if the going gets tough. If so, that's not a good thing."
I think more women bail because they just get fed up with cheating, drinking, etc. (like the article said). Then recognize they DO have a few good years left and move on. I also think the left behind husband often realizes (too late, unfortunately) that he actually WAS better off with wife #1 rather than hitting the bars or taking a second wife. Can't speak from experience; The Big Guy and I have been together longer than some FReepers are old! I CAN speak from hearing the experiences of other couples we've known...invariably, the husband deserved to be left, and wished afterward that he'd not let his ex-wife leave.
Same thing happened to me, my wife of 22 years left me for some slimeball she met at work. I was 42, she 43 at the time. "Slimeball" was killed in a car wreak about a year ago, and her life has been "a living Hell" (her words, not mine!) since she left me. Other than using her place of employment as her own personal dating service, she spends a lot of time alone. Meantime, I met a divorcee with 3 sons, to go with my 2, and have been blissfully re-married for a year and a half.
Just re-inforces what I have always believed: "What goes around, comes around!"
When the kid left for the military, I watched very closely for signs of problems with him being gone. She had doted on him and I knew there would be a hole. I really kept my ear to the rail for signs. Even her family commented on how hard I seemed to be taking it while she seemed to be taking it very well. Well, you've guessed it. I was accused of being a louse for not noticing her anguish. When I commented that not only I but everyone she knew expressed surprise that she had handled it so well, she responded if you loved me you would have known.
She suggested counseling. After resisting for a long period of time, I said ok. When I came from my first session which was a solo session (she had already had hers), she asked how it went. When I said I think I can work with this guy, she burst into tears and said that he and I were ganging up on her. BTW, she picked the guy because he was recommended by a friend and a Christian.
Shall I go on.
My guess, she was always super sensitive and any disagreement was seemed to dwell forever in her. And yes, mistakes were made in the marriage (never infidelity). The son who she doted on move out, she was going through the change (and I read that many women become very irrational during that time) and I was the stable always had a decent job, always tried to be home in the evening and probably became predictable.
If you use these stats, then American males are a collection of drunk, drug-abusing, womanizing losers. Now I'll grant you, there are some men like that. But this many? I don't think so. All the women I know who've filed for divorce have bailed for reasons other than violence, drug abuse, and/or his adultery. And, yes, I'm aware that abused women often don't admit it, even if they can find a way to make themselves leave. The women I know who've divorced their spouses have either found a different man, or have left because the one they had didn't meet their needs. And none of them tried counselling. They just upped and left, a couple without the kids.
My in-laws have been happily married for over fifty years. They've taught us a lot about marriage. I really thank Heaven for their example.
It agrees with my experience. (No cheating, no alcohol or drugs). Everyone suddenly realizes (in their gut instead of intellectually) at around 40 that their life is more than half over. Men buy a sports car or get a mistress, somen get a divorce.
Men buy a sports car or get a mistress, women get a divorce.
You sound rational but kind of on the "Spock" side. That can be wearing on an emotional woman. I don't know you from poop, but reading between the lines, I would say that you might have needed to turn up the heat a few notches.
"I read that many women become very irrational during that time..."
LOL! I hope you are ducking from all of the virtual bottles, knives, and anything else handy being thrown at you right about now!!
Spot On !!
It used to be that men who had an affair, openly or not, did not divorce their wives but rather wanted to wait it out. Apparently they don't do that any more.
The statistics were only 10% of the men who cheated would initiate a divorce from their spouse.
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