If liberals were in Philadelphia in 1776

Oak Lawn (IL) Reporter ^ | 7/1/04 | Michael M. Bates

[Mike Bates]

The United States was blessed with great good fortune from the very beginning. Many of the Founders were geniuses. They shared their considerable gifts with a struggling new nation.

Things could have turned out so very differently. Imagine what might have happened, for example, if the Continental Congress didn’t have the talents of men like John Adams and Benjamin Franklin to draw on in drafting a declaration of independence.

Thomas Jefferson was charged with writing the declaration, but a committee comprised of Adams, Franklin, Robert Livingston and Roger Sherman modified the document before it went to the Continental Congress for a vote.

Visualize what may have occurred if some of the leading liberals of today were on the committee with Jefferson instead. He presents his final draft to Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Teddy Kennedy and John Kerry for review.

Edwards is standing at a mirror, lovingly combing his freshly blow-dried hair. Kennedy pounds a gavel on the table. "Get over here, John. We want to get this out of the way before Happy Hour. I mean dinner time"

Ted continues, "OK, ladies first." Hillary glares at him, but he goes on, "Mrs. Clinton, have you any comments?"

"Yes, I do," she says. "Tom, I know I’m speaking for all of us when I tell you how very much we appreciate your efforts. For you to prepare this document, without even so much as a ghostwriter or three or four, is a real testament to your fidelity. And I can tell you plenty about fidelity because the sleazebag I’m married to —."

Kennedy interrupts: "Hillary, could you please limit the discussion to the issue at hand? Personally, I’ve always considered Bill a paragon of virtue, but we do need to move along"

"I’m so sorry," Clinton coquettishly replies. "Tom, what I genuinely found appalling about what you’ve written is the repeated use of the ‘men,’ as in, ‘all men are created equal . . .’ I mean, ya know, reading that infuriated me. I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling . . ."

Mr. Jefferson asks her what she would have preferred. Well, womyn for starters, she answers. And the declaration absolutely has to include gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and the transgendered. Mr. Jefferson looks puzzled, but says nothing.

"Can we get in a mention or two of trial lawyers?," Edwards inquires. The rest of the committee meets his request with cold stares. He gets up and goes over to the mirror again.

"Mrs. Clinton — May I call you Mrs. Clinton? — is entirely correct," declares Kerry ponderously. "It’s essential that all our special interests, that is to say, constituencies be included in our pluralistic, multicultural society. I’d only add to Hillary’s excellent insight that we need to add the questioning to gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and the transgendered. Did I mention I was in Vietnam?"

Hillary slaps her forehead. "How could I have forgotten the questioning?" She makes a mental note to have the staffer who prepared her comments killed. "Thank you so much for correcting my oversight, John. Diversity is, ya know, like so our strength."

"I’ll drink to that," says Teddy. "By the way, Hillary, that’s a mighty fetching black pantsuit you’re wearing today. Don’t think I’ve seen it before."

Kerry laboriously continues. "I would further articulate, Thomas —May I call you Thomas? — my nuanced objection to using terms such as "Nature’s God," "Creator" and "Supreme Judge." I was at Communion just yesterday. My experience there permits me to vigorously and unambiguously assert that those words could, possibly, suggest a belief in a Divine Being. Surely you realize that those references might offend some in our pluralistic, multicultural society. So I may, possibly, vote against your draft after I vote for it, in a nuanced sort of way. Did I mention I was in Vietnam?"

Mr. Jefferson begins wishing he had some of the stuff Teddy is drinking. Still, he says nothing. John Edwards puts down his can of industrial-strength mousse to make a point.

"The part I don’t like is where you write about the king erecting a multitude of new offices and sending out swarms of officers to harass our people. That sounds uncomfortably like a criticism of regulatory agencies.

"Just for a minute, Tom, let’s think about how it. Surely you don’t mean to tell me that a thriving nation could exist for any length of time without an IRS, EPA, FTC, FCC, CPSC, EEOC, FDA, NEA, OSHA, and SEC. We’re talking essential human services here, something almost as important as trial lawyers."

Mr. Jefferson’s head is spinning. He realizes that with people such as these, the Republic won’t last for a decade, let alone a century. He picks up his draft of the Declaration of Independence and begins leaving the room.

"I’m sorry that my efforts don’t meet with your approval. You appear to have as much difficulty understanding me as I do you.

"So I’ll leave now and bring in a man from your era who has exactly the right words for people like you. Mr. Cheney, would you come in, please?"

As I said, we’ve been very blessed. Have a glorious Fourth.

[Badeye]

Liberals were in Philadelphia in 1776.

They were called Tories back then.......

[Mike Bates]

Not to mention some other names. . .

[Mike Bates]

Thanks.

[tjwmason]

Liberals were called Torries at the time.

I beg to differ. At that time politics which were not split on the issue of independence vs. loyalism wer split Tory vs. Whig. The Tories later became the Conservatives, and the Whigs the liberals.

Liberals, in the modern American sense were not around then; the Tories were, and are, as far removed from Kerry et al. as one can get.