[Arkinsaw]

If this ever happens to me I'm going to have to get some of my tinkerer friends to build me a non-attended mechanical butt washer.

I think I could figure out how to use a pressure activated water squirter and modified "roll towel" dispenser to avoid the need for "Harry".

[gopheraj]

Just fix you up one of those automatic chicken pluckers. I would guess you have to set in on the gentle cycle though.

http://www.mcmurrayhatchery.com/product/automatic_chicken_picker.html

[DugwayDuke]

Just give him a supply of corn cobs modified so they can be screwed onto his stump. If they 'irritate' this fine fellow, then provide a supply of bacon grease to sooth his pain. He can use another corn cob as an applicator.