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The Mexican government is reviewing a videotape of the event taken by Spencer's group to see if the mem [sic] entered Mexico, said Miguel Escobar, Mexico's consul in Douglas. "If the incident can be confirmed, a formal letter of protest will be submitted to the U.S. government," he said.

Dear Senor Escobar,

Consider this my official letter of protest informing you of the presence of millions of your countrymen in the U.S.

Come and get 'em, OK?

P.S. You suck.

Michael Nicely
Interim Chief of Tucson Sector
U.S. Border Patrol
Tucson, Arizona

Dear Chief Nicely:

My name is Jose Ricardo Humphries Gonzalez. (You can call me Ricardo; Carlos and Carl both do) and I have a request of you, concerning recent policy shifts with your organization and its acquiescence to and cooperation with Mexico.

I am an illegal alien and have been working in the Willcox area for some months. I have a Matricula Consular card, which proves I am here illegally. (If you will send me $50 and a passport photo, I can get one for you, too).

I need to return home for a few weeks and hereby request that you send one of your agents out here to arrest me and take me to the Tucson Airport, so that I can be flown to Mexico City, at American taxpayer expense. Since this is a long flight, I hope I can assume there will be a full meal served instead of just a bag of peanuts. Also, could you tell me how much luggage I am allowed to bring on board?

I need to do a little shopping in Tuxtla Gutierrez so I will also need a free bus ticket there after arriving in Mexico City. The bus will need to be air-conditioned, as it is quite hot down there this time of the year.

I warn you not to quibble with me about this, as the Mexican Secretary of the Interior, Senor Santiago Creel, as well as your President Bush, has made it clear as to what my rights as an illegal alien are.

Actually, your Homeland Security Director, Tom Ridge, pretty much assured Creel that your organization would do just about anything Mexico demanded, including giving me the choice to either fly home or just be taken back to the border, so that I could cross again the following day.

I have done that numerous times in the past but I really want to see my family for awhile, so this time I will fly home.

One thing I don’t understand: the American public seems to be reacting badly to this new program and their anger is not justified. If they are able to pay for us Mexican citizens to fly back to Mexico, I see no reason why they cannot set up a taxpayer-funded program to fly Americans to Mexico. Guadalajara is a very beautiful city, and we would welcome the added tourism.

Please do one more thing for me: After a couple of weeks, alert the Mexican authorities to the fact that there is an American illegally in Mexico, posing as a Mexican, and have them arrest me.

With Mexico’s concern for human rights and its avowed cooperation with you, I am sure they will then give me a limo ride back to Arizona.

Thanking you for your assistance,

Jose Ricardo Humphries Gonzalez
La Perra Flaca, AZ