A Salute To France--An Ally That's Always Good For A Laugh

Backwoods Home ^ | July, 2004

[SJackson]

A Salute To France
An Ally That's Always Good For A Laugh

Quotes of Note

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

— Norman Schwartzkopf

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

— General George S. Patton

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

— Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

— Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

— Regis Philbin

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

— David Letterman

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"

— Jay Leno

"Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordian"

— Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defense

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."

— Dennis Miller

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week and not a minute too soon: the French are acting as advisers to the remaining Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly."

— Jay Leno

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

— Argus Hamilton

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than against the Nazis?"

— Dennis Miller

"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." -

— Jay Leno

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Bush Sends Dismantled Statue of Liberty To France Postage Due

In retaliation for France's vow to oppose a second U.N. resolution on Iraq, President Bush ordered that the Statue of Liberty be immediately dismantled and mailed to France postage due. The estimated cost to France for the shipment could total over $3 million.

"We no longer want any gifts from the ungrateful, uncooperational French. That statue is now tarnished beyond its appearance because of the country from which it came," Bush announced from the oval office.

The president has requested that the National Park Service, which oversees Liberty Park, commission architect David Libeskind to design an appropriate structure to replace the gaping hole left by the removal of the statue.

Bush added that absence of the Statue of Liberty would also send a clear message that the United States no longer had an open door to "tired, huddled masses of foreigners who include terrorists."

Democrats in congress expressed support for the President's actions and felt it appropriate. "We needed to do something to put the French in their place so I applaud the President until I see polls indicating otherwise, at which time I will strongly condemn the action," said Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle.

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French President Jacques Chirac announced today that France has surrendered to Germany. When German Chancellor Shroeder asked what terms the French wanted, Chirac replied: "the usual."

Chirac brusquely informed the Government of the Canary Islands, which had invited France to surrender to them, "just for a change of pace" that they would have to wait their turn.

Asked why they were surrendering without a shot being fired, Chirac responded that French soldiers didn't want to get their uniforms dirty. "They look so nice when they are on parade," said Chirac "and besides, we like to surrender. You might call it our National Pastime. We always lose anyway. I really don't think the Germans are being good sports about this. They could let us win once in a while."

"We'll get even one of these days," the French President threatened "next time we will surrender to the Canary Islands first. If we can't beat the Germans, at least we can embarrass them."

Chirac confided that France had an ulterior motive in surrendering. "With all the anti-French sentiment in the West these days, tourism is way down. We figured having a few hundred thousand German soldiers occupying the country, would be good for business. Besides, truth be known, this generation of French men can't measure up to their fathers in the love department. I hate to admit it," said Chirac "but French women miss their German boyfriends. And I hear our poodles think those macho German Shephards are pretty hot, too".

"Anyway," said Chirac "we thought we should start the new century off right. We figured that, by getting an earlier start, we can easily break our surrender record from the last century." Records like that are pretty important to the French people. In fact, we are in the process of circulating a petition to make Surrendering an Olympic sport. At least, that way, we can win at something. It's important to a Nation's pride," the French President said, "to know that there is at least one area in which they excel."

President Chirac proudly pointed out a message of thanks he had received from the Government of Italy. "Dear Jacques," the message read, "the Italian Government and the Italian people offer you our heartfelt thanks. After decades of suffering through jokes about how pathetic the Italian Army is, you have finally gotten us off the hook."

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Toon Town

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Toon 1       Toon 2       Toon 3       Toon 4       Toon 5       Toon 6       Toon 7      

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Dear Dad,

A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia):

A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface [again] at some point in the near future anyway. I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for soldiers.

I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for show anyway.

Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multinational Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Dad, tell Mom I love her,

Your loving daughter,

Mary Beth J.

Lt Col., USMC

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France -- the only country with reverse gear and backup lights on thier tanks.

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Looking for a good, cheap firearm? Buy a French army rifle. They've never been fired and dropped only once.

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How many soldiers does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows, it hasn't been tried yet.

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The Complete Military History of France

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.

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Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender

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Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

A. The French Army.

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Q. Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama?

A .So the French can show them how to surrender.

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What color is the American flag? Red, White, and Blue.

What color is the British flag? Red, White, and Blue.

What color is the French flag? White.

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Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.

The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

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[muir_redwoods]

For Sale: Used French Military rifle. Never fired, dropped once

[sarasmom]

ROTFLMAO!

Sara asks me when we will stop boycotting the French.(She liked their yogurts)
My answer is - probably never.

[Chuckster]

And their most famous fighting force, the LE, is made up entirely of foreigners.

[Arpege92]

LOL

[Chode]

ChIRAQ

[greasepaint]

France --> perm 5, and a bicycle race.

[MarkL]

Hey! The French did win one... Anybody else remember when the French Special Forces beat Greenpeace?

Yup! France vs a bunch of hippie treehuggers. France won.

Mark

[CaraM]

Sara asks me when we will stop boycotting the French.(She liked their yogurts) My answer is - probably never.

Same here...I think I will forever boycott the french. I found replacements for everything..makeup, hair-care, etc. I don't drink french wine or eat french cheese.
The only thing I have not been able to replace is my Chanel #5 perfume. (but I still won't buy any) :)