ENNIFER's infant son was tucked in for the night and her husband was at work when she logged onto her home computer in Port Huron, Mich., looking for the forgotten name of a travel Web site she had used earlier in the day.Posted on 08/21/2004 7:17:47 PM PDT by NYC GOP Chick
ENNIFER's infant son was tucked in for the night and her husband was at work when she logged onto her home computer in Port Huron, Mich., looking for the forgotten name of a travel Web site she had used earlier in the day.
A few simple keystrokes, nothing geeky, took her to the history box on the Internet browser, a listing of recently visited Web sites. What she found there — 30 gay pornography sites and chat rooms — astounded her. But it also solved a mystery: why marriage to her childhood sweetheart had been so unsatisfying.
Jennifer, now 29, had never suspected that her husband was gay. But suddenly that seemed an inescapable conclusion. She remembers a dizzying rush of emotion and then feeling numb. In the darkened room, lighted only by the computer screen, she got down to business, opening each and every Web site and taking copious notes for the confrontation that would follow.
The sheer volume of what she had found was convincing, although circumstantial. "There was no concrete evidence he had cheated; he could have been curious or whatever," Jennifer said. But when they talked later, her husband confessed to having a series of one-night stands with men from the time he was 16, she said.
Jennifer doubts he would have come clean on his own, at least not so quickly. "Had it not been for what I found on the computer, I might still be in my unhappy marriage," she said. (Her husband confirmed her account but asked that their last names not be used to protect his identity.)
Once women like Jennifer might have spent decades in the limbo of ignorance or denial, while their husbands explored their sexual orientation and lived furtive double lives. But in the age of the Internet, the blinders can be yanked off with the flick of a finger. Mental health professionals and matrimonial lawyers say that many marriages, involving both heterosexuals and homosexuals, are collapsing under the weight of documentary evidence left behind on computers, just as computer records are increasingly tripping up business leaders, employees and others who forget that these are communications not easily denied.
A condom found in a gym bag can be explained away relatively easily: the guy in the next locker must have dropped it. But an e-mail discussing condom use for the purposes of safe sex is far more difficult to justify. That means, counselors and lawyers say, that for the growing numbers of spouses conducting clandestine lives online, the risk of disclosure is higher than ever before.
"The age of privacy is over and with it the ability to sustain denial," said Dr. Sheenah Hankin, a psychotherapist in New York City. "Anyone can search the Internet and discover a lot about their spouse."
Denial has historically been easier to sustain in marriages involving a closeted gay spouse, marriage counselors and therapists say, because of the ambiguities of sexual orientation. More often than not, these experts say, the gay partner has an inkling before marriage but is determined to make a go of what he or she believes society considers a "normal" life.
And more often than not, these experts explain, man and wife truly love each other, enough that a fraction of these marriages never break up because the spouses redesign the relationship and live as if friends or siblings.
Ten days ago, Gov. James E. McGreevey of New Jersey and Dina Matos McGreevey, stood before a national television audience as he revealed that he is gay. It remains unclear how long Mrs. McGreevey has known that her husband of four years is gay, although a report in The Star-Ledger of Newark this week quoted a friend of hers, Lori Kennedy, as saying that she learned only three days before his speech.
Mrs. McGreevey's indecipherable half smile touched a nerve among others who have had similar experiences.
Many of them have flocked to the Web site of the Straight Spouse Network, www.ssnetwk.org, a support group for people whose spouses turn out to be gay or lesbian.
The Web site has been a very popular place since Mr. McGreevey's disclosure. On a normal day, according to Amity Pierce Buxton, the network's 75-year-old founder, about 300 people visit the site, which has a public forum and several subscriber-only chat rooms. In the five days after the McGreevey press conference, the daily traffic reached 1,187.
Dr. Buxton, who was married for 25 years to a gay man, began organizing face-to-face support groups for straight spouses in the late 1980's. There are now 65 around the country, and five overseas in addition to the online forums and chat rooms. Dr. Buxton, who has a doctorate in education, wrote the self-help bible on the subject, "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families" (John Wiley & Sons, 1991).
That book, revised in 1994, tells the stories of 18 couples. In none of these marriages, Dr. Buxton said, nor in her own, was a computer a tool of discovery. Similarly, none of the gay men or lesbians in the marriages she studied had explored their sexuality on the Web, which was then in its infancy, or used it as a way to meet others for homosexual encounters.
"Men back in our day didn't do it that way," Dr. Buxton said. "They went to bars and bathhouses and could always make excuses about where they were."
Now documentary evidence is readily available, particularly in marriages where the wife is straight and the husband gay. The gender divide is apparent to counselors who have treated such couples; to support group leaders; and in the postings on the straight spouse network. According to these accounts, typically it is gay men who spend hours on the computer and are interested in online pornography. It is rarely lesbians.
Married women who acknowledge that they are lesbians generally tell their husbands, often with painful abruptness but without subterfuge, then quickly exit the marriage, according to Dr. Buxton's research, which has put her in touch with 1,000 men and women. Married men who acknowledge that they are gay, Dr. Buxton's research shows, often hunker down in the marriage, lying to keep it together and only admitting what's going on if confronted.
The digital clues run the gamut. Take Carolyn of Chevy Chase, Md., who divorced her husband in May, after a 33-year marriage. (Her full name is not used because her husband is in Bolivia and could not be reached.) Carolyn, 56, said she was outside smoking a cigarette when, through a window, she saw her husband viewing gay pornography online. He told her it was a pop-up ad. But her "ah ha" moment came when she found a print-out of an e-mail arranging a meeting with a man, obvious even to the technologically challenged.
Mary, a harpist in New Jersey, noticed her husband rising earlier than usual to use the computer while the rest of the household slept. One insomniac dawn she wandered into the kitchen at 5 and heard the sounds of arriving instant messages from the adjacent family room. Her husband told her he was in a sports chat room and had made a comment that struck a nerve.
But when the same thing happened again, she registered his guilty demeanor. She realized how often he all but body-blocked her when she approached his computer. One morning, she discovered on his screen an e-mail from another married gay man, arranging a first meeting. Before she heard his tread on the stair, she had read two more messages, from different men setting up dates.
The next time her husband claimed to be in the sports chat room, Mary countered with "here's what I know and here's how I know it." He haltingly acknowledged the obvious, but he still has not told many relatives and friends. (Thus her request, in deference to his privacy, that her last name not be used.) Mary chose the occasion of Mr. McGreevey's confession to tell her teenage children that their father is gay. It turned out that they already knew, she says.
Sometimes, it is teenage children who make the discovery. Carol Silverman, of Scarsdale, N.Y., said that when her 27-year marriage collapsed six years ago, it was her daughter, then 14, who found the key document: a personal profile, in rich anatomical detail, that her father had posted on a gay dating site. (Ms. Silverman uses her maiden name and said she does not know her husband's whereabouts.)
Father and daughter shared a computer in their home. The girl had already seen many of his postings, among them the ad "Married gay man looking for Asian partner" — that included telltale physical details.
Some women unfamiliar with computers seek instruction so they can snoop. Typical is a recent posting on the Web site of the Straight Spouse Network. "How do you find porn, information etc. on your computer?" asked a woman whose screen name is Pam.
A detailed answer came quickly from "David," who said he was a straight man married to a lesbian. He directed her to hit "Ctrl-H" on a Microsoft Explorer browser for a pop-up window of Web sites previously visited. "Some stuff will be obviously benign," David wrote. But he added, "If there's any www.gaynakedguys.com or www.hotstuddating.com kind of stuff, well it's pretty clear."
David expressed concern that Pam might be better off not opening what she found. Still, he told her that certain sites would "remember" her husband's user name and password and display them. She could also find clues on a cellphone, in the histories of calls made, received or missed.
"Kathy" posted a question about software that will override the deletion of history from a browser. "Trini" suggested Kidsafe by Webroot. "I find it incredibly incriminating that the Web history is erased," "JJ" wrote. With these early postings, Pam, David, Trini, Kathy and JJ are using the Internet to find a like-minded community, as their mates had done. The irony does not escape those who have found solace or suggestions online.
Jennifer said that she found a set of new friends there, people who would understand why it took her two years, and one failed attempt at reconciliation, to end her marriage. A year ago, Jennifer filed for divorce. Counseling from her pastor was helpful. But she needed more support. A Google search led her to the Straight Spouse Network. The men and women she met there "saved my sanity," Jennifer said.
Technology brought her full circle. After a lengthy telephone interview with this reporter, Jennifer sent an e-mail postscript, summarizing the best and the worst of the Internet and casting a clear ballot.
"This computer has been my lifeline," she wrote. "Yay for computers!"
Alex Kuczynski contributed reporting for this article.
Can't complain about a lack of photos tonight!!! ;D
Girl, you on the porno thing tonight! ; )
You ain't seen nothing yet!!! ;)
Has the woman no gaydar?
How would you NOT know your husband batted for the pink team?
What a nightmare scenario. As for Mrs. McGreevey, I find it hard to believe that she didn't know, or suspect, long before her husband's confession.
Denial's an amazing thing -- though if she were not particularly experienced and he were very circumspect, I suppose it could make sense. Not like there's a shortage of straight guys who are, um, unspectacular.
> ... her husband confessed to having a series of one-night
> stands with men from the time he was 16, she said.
> Jennifer doubts he would have come clean on his own ...
I would not have picked the phrase "come clean"
to describe the husband's situation.
But then, the reporter's name is JANE GROSS :-)
Bring It On! :)
I think have to take a nap first, to get ready!
I just think it's odd.
She says this guy was her 'childhood sweetheart'?
Wouldn't you think, over several years, she'd have witnessed some behaviour that was not strictly straight?
Maybe I just have great gaydar.
I know more gay men than you can shake a beaded handbag at. I can spot them at a 100 yards.
It's possible the computer was the occasion for her spouses fall, with its easy access porn and the people who like it.
This is what you'd call a story with a lot of hard drive.
And how can you test your gaydar, since these men aren't saying?
I hope there were no kids involved.
lol!
LOL I was gonna ping ya about Jenna Jamieson being interviewed by the breathless Rita. Then I thought better about posting said thread.
Let me put it this way...
..if you think a guy is wearing a toupé, they probably are!!! :-)
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