Please,
No photoshop on this joke.. for god's sake, don't photoshop this into reality..
Next day, the same Marine goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The same guard replies "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here."
The Marine moves on.
Next day, the same Marine goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The same guard replies "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here. Why do you keep asking?"
The Marine replies: "I just like hearing the sound of it".
What a sad crack...
So a man enters the bar, orders a drink, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "50."
And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Kerry?"
"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno
"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman
"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman
"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn
"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart
"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman
"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn
"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn
"Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." –David Letterman
"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." –Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly." –David Letterman
"John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her — at her bank." –Jay Leno
"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." –Jay Leno
"Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow." –Bill Maher
"In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?" –Jay Leno
"Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?'" –Jay Leno
John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox." –Jay Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." –Jay Leno
bump
A thread for you.
Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.
The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”
The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”
Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”
ping
Bump for future reference.....
Bill Clinton was jogging down Pennsylvania one morning when he encountered a “Working Girl” standing on the corner where he had stopped for a light.
He smiled at her and asks”How much?”
“One hundred dollars” was her reply.
Bill says ”I’ll give you five.”
She tells him to get lost, and he jogs on at the change of the light.
Several mornings later, the encounter repeats itself with the same offer of a hundred dollars extended and the offer of five dollars rejected.
It was a week or so later, when Bill was jogging the same route, this time with Hillary at his side that he came upon the same “Working Girl” at the usual corner. Pretending not to notice her, he patiently waited for the light to change before he and Hillary jogged away.
Just as Bill had sighed a breath of relief for not having been put in an awkward position by the hooker, he heard her cry from over his shoulder, “See what you get for five dollars?”
Those famous sportsmen, John Kerry and John Edwards, were out in the woods one day hunting for big game. Suddenly, Kerry shouts, "Look! I found some tracks!" Edwards runs over to check them out and, wringing his hands in glee, says, "Wow! Look at those tracks! This is gonna be the biggest bear you ever saw!"
Kerry looks at him in disgust and says, "Bear tracks? These aren't bear tracks - - these are moose tracks."
"Moose tracks? Are you nuts?" Edwards replies, "Those are obviously bear tracks."
As they continue to argue they get hit by a train.
Survivor--Texas Style Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I'll vote for John Kerry, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!
Or this one (one of my favorites, changed to fit the times)
Kerry's Campaign Airplane crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the area in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or Kerry's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over to surround the man's John Deere tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of Presidential Candidate John Kerry?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his John Deere motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"John Kerry is DEAD?" the agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
BTTT
bttt
Ping
bump
Humor break.
What a great way to start the morning off...
Thanks for the laughs.