Posted on 11/08/2004 5:20:29 PM PST by wagglebee
A satirical piece about the French invasion of Ivory Coast
French President Jacques Chirac is a "misleader" who has made a rush to war in the Ivory Coast, causing needless deaths and injuries to innocent Ivorians and to the ill-equipped and poorly supplied French soldiers.
The horrific deaths of these soldiers are causing great sorrow to French mothers and fathers, and sowing seeds of doubt among untold millions of French citizens about this unnecessary war.
This war is a remnant of French militaristic and colonial oppressive power in the world. It is indeed the wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time.
There is no threat to France from the Ivory Coast, and Chirac has acted unilaterally, without taking the time to work with our allies to raise a broad international coalition that would pass the global test. He has taken his eye off the ball of the real threat of global terrorism.
He has used excessive force of enormous magnitude in destroying the entire Air Force of the Ivory Coast. He has compounded his original arrogant error of sending troops by sending even more poor, young French soldiers to die on this cruel battlefield. I seriously doubt that Chirac's own children or grandchildren will be sent to fight in this poorly planned, incompetently run war.
Chirac's true motives in starting this unnecessary bloodbath are to steal the rich cocoa crop of the Ivory Coast, and to give no-bid billion-dollar contracts to his business cronies.
It is rumored that Chirac will even resume the military draft to raise enough troops to fight the growing insurgency in this far-off country.
These Ivorian freedom fighters are now threatening the lives of French citizens, and have already caused the death of another foreign national. Thus, their innocent blood will solely be on the hands of President Chirac.
Chirac has appealed for more help from the U.N., and the Security Council has bravely authored several new resolutions and condemnations of the fighting, calling for an end to the conflict. They have backed up their resolutions with the threat of an embargo and the the authorization to use "all necessary means" to to keep the peace. U.N. peacekeeping troops are on the ground there, but have not been involved in any of the hostilities.
I call for French misleader Chirac to prevent further bloodshed by pulling all French troops out of the Ivory Coast. He should give peace a chance, and if that doesn't work, I would be glad to assist him in calling an international summit. At this global summit, we will seek to understand the oppressed feelings of the Ivorian people, and look for ways of waging a more sensitive conflict.
Signed, John F. Kerry
P.S. Am I eligible to run for president of France?
P.P.S. GWB just called. He said to tell you that if any of your French Mirage pilots drink too much wine and get really lost flying from Paris to Abidjan, they should not seek to enter U.S. airspace - we will not give permission for flyovers.
Tsk tsk on the french. They didn't pass the global test first.
Does the Ivory Coast have "brutal winters" or ferocious sandstorms" that can "bog down" the troops? And "where is the exit plan"?!
And I didn't see one mention of how this is another Indochine!
[Added] "I am a veteran of an earlier French War ... the one in Indo China, did you know that?"
Ask and ye shall receive.
Jacques Querri: the French are committing atrocities reminiscent of Jenjish Khan.
Payback's a bitch, eh, Jacques?
And they're still stuck with Arafat! That body must be smelling pretty good by now.
And they're still stuck with Arafat! That body must be smelling pretty good by now.
Personally, I find them reminiscent of Madeline Khan.
NO BLOOD FOR COCOA!!!
Hell, the Greenpeace boat could probably blow the frog navy out of the water!
Le quagmire...no global test, unilateral action, naked imperialist aggression.
NO BLOOD FOR COCOA!!!
Although that might drive away the French, it won't help the people of the Ivory Coast. African wars can be very bloody, and you don't want to be unarmed when confronted with a throng of machette-wielding bandits. Having a machete of your own should suffice in most cases, although on occasion, you will have to use it skillfully--and even then, a gun can be very valuable, if permissible. Failure to follow this advice will result in serious injury or death.
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